Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow?
Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/
Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust.
Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?
Stevo & Bob:
Tuesday, June 15
Monday, June 14
The Prank Call to a True Loser
After a short freak out on Thursday, and just wanting to drink coffee with Nora, I called her up, and we ended up going to a small diner in town, where we ate a lot of crap and drank coffee and talked and what not. And during our talk our exes came up. One in particular, my ex Jeremy. I can't really decipher between what was said last night and what was said Thursday night, so I'll just type the just of it.
Jeremy still does drugs and is getting into the more hardcore shit, he's a dealer got his own place, nearly went to jail for auto theft and driving without a license, he's practically a pedophile, 20 years old chasing 16-year-old pussy, not over me (Nora's words; her hunch) But doesn't want "anything" to do with me, though he confided in Joseph that he wishes we were still friends. Blah blah blah.
So, I broke up with the guy because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, and that is SO not my jam, my biological father left our family after I was born because he would have rather smoked pot than have something tangible to hold onto through thick and thin, I saw Jeremy the same way when he smoked pot, so I gave him an ultimatum, Pot or me, he chose me for a while, but reverted to what he knew, and I cut off our like..... 8/9 month relationship, I didn't care how much I loved him, I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. Now, we talked for a little while, but he always victimized himself, asking how i could just leave him like that, how i could do that to him when I'd told him i loved him blah blah blah, sob sob sob. I sound heartless, but I'm so fed up with that Mother right now, I can't even deal with it.
So as I talked to Nora, I said something about how funny it would be if I got into pot and what not, knowing fully well that I never would, and Nora suggested jokingly that I should go to him and ask if I could buy some off of him, after laughing at the look that would be on his face, we moved on, and as I felt feistier and feistier, I decided it would be a real riot to call him and ask.
After we left the diner, Nora texted out what to say, because she's much faster at it than I am, and handed me the phone. "Only send it if you really want to." I wished I was a little more impulsive, I worried that it would start drama and what not, and I would regret it. "Don't regret the things you do." Nora told me, "Everything has a purpose, there's a plan for you, and good or bad every mistake is part of it..." and she went into some really deep spiritual shit, as Nora is so good at, and ultimately the button was clicked and we started the fun. At first he texted back a simple "No." then he asked who it was, though we'd said it was me. We then said "oh, you've forgotten me already" and we got back a "Shit" then a whiny "well you forgot about me a long time ago" blah blah blah. Though we didn't get much sobby whinyness from him like I'd expected. But right after he sent "shit" Joseph called. Nora knew he'd been hanging out with Jeremy lately, and figured they were together at that moment. Nora answered after letting it ring and a lot of consideration, then talked to Joseph who "wasn't with Jeremy", but we knew better. He started texting us after that, saying he only called because his text wouldn't go through. We KNEW he was lying then! He hates talking on his phone, and his texting seemed to be working just fine after he got off the phone. Plus, upon texting him where we were and asking if he could come hang out, he said he was confined to his house, which is never and has never been true, and he'd used the same excuse on Jeremy once before. He was flat out lying to us. So then it was time to really get into it. It was supposed to be a short and funny prank between me, Nora, and Jeremy, but now that Joseph had lied, i had to bring out a whole new can of worms.
I was FURIOUS I mean, i get that Joseph doesn't have to tell us everything, but lying!? No fucking way was I gonna deal with that. I told Nora I wanted to call him out and tell him I knew he was a liar, but she said nothing made him more angry then being called a liar. So I opted out on that because I didn't want him to be angry, I just wanted to make him feel bad.
So I went along with what we told Jeremy when he asked why I wanted some weed. I'd had a bad day. So, being a good faker when it comes to crying on the phone, I called Joseph, and started pretending to sob. I told him that I'd had an awful day with Gio and that I just wanted him to be there with me, and I demanded to know why he couldn't come out and all this other stuff, and he was silent for a while. And somehow I knew he'd put me on speaker, like we'd done to him. Then Nora got on with him, and talked for a few seconds, in which time he said "well just put her to bed or something" though he sounded a little ashamed and sad. Good. The prankinng ended not long after that and Nora and I went home.
Yesterday she took me to dinner at a place that just got remodeled that her sister works at now,and the food and drinks were all complimentary. When we were coming back in town, Nora said something about wanting to go to a park, but Jeremy was at one with Joseph and one of his other friends. Shit. Well. I'd had too much Jeremy for one week and I was about fed up, we ended up having to go see him so we could pick up one of our girls who was tired and there and wanted to go home. I only caught a glimpse of him so that was all good.
But earlier, Nora told me that she'd seen him after the Prank, like Friday I think she said. And she told me that he kept telling her not to let me text him and that he didn't want anything to do with me, and how once I'd called him a loser, but I couldn't do that now.
Alright:
Jeremy- Deals drugs, apparently does Coke now, doesn't have a real job, dropped out of high school, isn't going to college, and will probably only go to jail in the future.... I don't see how he's not still a loser. But maybe its just me.
Jeremy still does drugs and is getting into the more hardcore shit, he's a dealer got his own place, nearly went to jail for auto theft and driving without a license, he's practically a pedophile, 20 years old chasing 16-year-old pussy, not over me (Nora's words; her hunch) But doesn't want "anything" to do with me, though he confided in Joseph that he wishes we were still friends. Blah blah blah.
So, I broke up with the guy because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, and that is SO not my jam, my biological father left our family after I was born because he would have rather smoked pot than have something tangible to hold onto through thick and thin, I saw Jeremy the same way when he smoked pot, so I gave him an ultimatum, Pot or me, he chose me for a while, but reverted to what he knew, and I cut off our like..... 8/9 month relationship, I didn't care how much I loved him, I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. Now, we talked for a little while, but he always victimized himself, asking how i could just leave him like that, how i could do that to him when I'd told him i loved him blah blah blah, sob sob sob. I sound heartless, but I'm so fed up with that Mother right now, I can't even deal with it.
So as I talked to Nora, I said something about how funny it would be if I got into pot and what not, knowing fully well that I never would, and Nora suggested jokingly that I should go to him and ask if I could buy some off of him, after laughing at the look that would be on his face, we moved on, and as I felt feistier and feistier, I decided it would be a real riot to call him and ask.
After we left the diner, Nora texted out what to say, because she's much faster at it than I am, and handed me the phone. "Only send it if you really want to." I wished I was a little more impulsive, I worried that it would start drama and what not, and I would regret it. "Don't regret the things you do." Nora told me, "Everything has a purpose, there's a plan for you, and good or bad every mistake is part of it..." and she went into some really deep spiritual shit, as Nora is so good at, and ultimately the button was clicked and we started the fun. At first he texted back a simple "No." then he asked who it was, though we'd said it was me. We then said "oh, you've forgotten me already" and we got back a "Shit" then a whiny "well you forgot about me a long time ago" blah blah blah. Though we didn't get much sobby whinyness from him like I'd expected. But right after he sent "shit" Joseph called. Nora knew he'd been hanging out with Jeremy lately, and figured they were together at that moment. Nora answered after letting it ring and a lot of consideration, then talked to Joseph who "wasn't with Jeremy", but we knew better. He started texting us after that, saying he only called because his text wouldn't go through. We KNEW he was lying then! He hates talking on his phone, and his texting seemed to be working just fine after he got off the phone. Plus, upon texting him where we were and asking if he could come hang out, he said he was confined to his house, which is never and has never been true, and he'd used the same excuse on Jeremy once before. He was flat out lying to us. So then it was time to really get into it. It was supposed to be a short and funny prank between me, Nora, and Jeremy, but now that Joseph had lied, i had to bring out a whole new can of worms.
I was FURIOUS I mean, i get that Joseph doesn't have to tell us everything, but lying!? No fucking way was I gonna deal with that. I told Nora I wanted to call him out and tell him I knew he was a liar, but she said nothing made him more angry then being called a liar. So I opted out on that because I didn't want him to be angry, I just wanted to make him feel bad.
So I went along with what we told Jeremy when he asked why I wanted some weed. I'd had a bad day. So, being a good faker when it comes to crying on the phone, I called Joseph, and started pretending to sob. I told him that I'd had an awful day with Gio and that I just wanted him to be there with me, and I demanded to know why he couldn't come out and all this other stuff, and he was silent for a while. And somehow I knew he'd put me on speaker, like we'd done to him. Then Nora got on with him, and talked for a few seconds, in which time he said "well just put her to bed or something" though he sounded a little ashamed and sad. Good. The prankinng ended not long after that and Nora and I went home.
Yesterday she took me to dinner at a place that just got remodeled that her sister works at now,and the food and drinks were all complimentary. When we were coming back in town, Nora said something about wanting to go to a park, but Jeremy was at one with Joseph and one of his other friends. Shit. Well. I'd had too much Jeremy for one week and I was about fed up, we ended up having to go see him so we could pick up one of our girls who was tired and there and wanted to go home. I only caught a glimpse of him so that was all good.
But earlier, Nora told me that she'd seen him after the Prank, like Friday I think she said. And she told me that he kept telling her not to let me text him and that he didn't want anything to do with me, and how once I'd called him a loser, but I couldn't do that now.
Alright:
Jeremy- Deals drugs, apparently does Coke now, doesn't have a real job, dropped out of high school, isn't going to college, and will probably only go to jail in the future.... I don't see how he's not still a loser. But maybe its just me.
Saturday, June 12
I Was the Only One Who Was Missing
I'd gotten fed up. I went to bed sobbing up a storm, it had to stop! This Gio-hates-me-mania was really getting the best of my fragile emotions. So I called Nora, told her I was calling Gio, and I would put it to him straight. After a short pep talk, I dialed his number and listened shakily as it rang through, I'd only just gotten off the phone with him, a conversation in which I was trying to sport better feelings, though failing. He said it was okay, and he had all the time in the world until I wanted to talk about what was wrong, and that it was sort of comforting to just be on the phone. Or something along those lines. But a second later he said he was going to go. That's why I cried.
So anyways, Gio answered with yet another sad "Hello" and I told him that I wanted him to answer me straight. I said I didn't want any shit, I wanted a simple yes or no answer, and he must have known what I was going to ask, because his answer came lightning fast, I barely got my sobby "Do you want to be with me anymore?" out before he said "Yes" He was honest, I could hear it in his tone, but I asked him if he needed to think it over anymore. He said no to that. It didn't make sense to me! I was confused. I'm so used to feeling like guys just simply don't want me anymore because I'm crazy and undesirable. So I told him I didn't get it. Then I asked if he was only with me for comfort or if he just wanted to be with me. That took him a while. He chose comfort. I choked a little, it made sense, but Nora doesn't think that he meant just plain comfort, she decided it meant he was confused and meant that he wanted to be with me, and it was comfortable to be with me. Whatever Nora. :P
So he then proceeded to tell me that He liked being with me, he looked forward to watching movies with me, and when he got news he didn't see himself telling anyone first except me. That felt nice to hear. :]
So we were left wondering where we went wrong, and taking notice that both of us had been attempting to examine the situation. "we got tired of each other." he said, "there was so much passion when we started, and we spent so much time together" and I finished with "It just fizzled out." I then wondered if we could fix it. Gio said that he hoped we could but he admitted that he didn't know how. I thought that maybe we could start over, but so much time and effort and tears have passed we decided that wasn't going to happen. 9 months is a long time take away to begin again. So we decided that we would do something spontaneous and fun by my suggestion. Gio came up with a whole slew of fun ideas, but we ended up only doing two of them, and very half assed. But it's all good.
We attempted yet another puzzle together, big mistake, we got bored fast, I'd given up way before him because I couldn't stop savoring the thoughts of being with him happily again, and I was filled with too much love to think of anything else really. So we went and watched Silence of the Lambs because I'd never seen it before. He quoted Hannibal Lector pretty much perfectly, and I was informed of things that would happen before they did, thats what its like to watch movies with Gio. But it was okay, it just made things less creepy and more funny, like the way he said, "He's gotta tuck that junk back." when the Buffalo Bill guy was dancing in front of his camera.
Life was good in his arms, and I realized suddenly there, that I didn't miss him, he missed me. The whole time I was thinking that he'd changed and as I sort of blamed him for as a main reason our relationship was starting to fail, "he was changing so it made me sad and difficult blah blah blah I'm a dirty liar". I looked up at him in the dim flickering light of the tiny bedside TV and when he looked back, I saw in his eyes it was true. I'd changed yet again, and I'd gone away, that's why things changed, I beat myself into thinking all the wrong things. But his eyes were forgiving, and I apologized and told him that I realized he was there all along and he'd never gone anywhere. Of course he didn't understand my cryptic message, but accepted none the less. He's always been so patient with me. When the movie was over we went to the park and even though got eaten by mosquitoes, we talked and bonded all the same. It's nice to be good around him again, I'm glad the real me is back and I hope I stay for a lot longer this time.
So anyways, Gio answered with yet another sad "Hello" and I told him that I wanted him to answer me straight. I said I didn't want any shit, I wanted a simple yes or no answer, and he must have known what I was going to ask, because his answer came lightning fast, I barely got my sobby "Do you want to be with me anymore?" out before he said "Yes" He was honest, I could hear it in his tone, but I asked him if he needed to think it over anymore. He said no to that. It didn't make sense to me! I was confused. I'm so used to feeling like guys just simply don't want me anymore because I'm crazy and undesirable. So I told him I didn't get it. Then I asked if he was only with me for comfort or if he just wanted to be with me. That took him a while. He chose comfort. I choked a little, it made sense, but Nora doesn't think that he meant just plain comfort, she decided it meant he was confused and meant that he wanted to be with me, and it was comfortable to be with me. Whatever Nora. :P
So he then proceeded to tell me that He liked being with me, he looked forward to watching movies with me, and when he got news he didn't see himself telling anyone first except me. That felt nice to hear. :]
So we were left wondering where we went wrong, and taking notice that both of us had been attempting to examine the situation. "we got tired of each other." he said, "there was so much passion when we started, and we spent so much time together" and I finished with "It just fizzled out." I then wondered if we could fix it. Gio said that he hoped we could but he admitted that he didn't know how. I thought that maybe we could start over, but so much time and effort and tears have passed we decided that wasn't going to happen. 9 months is a long time take away to begin again. So we decided that we would do something spontaneous and fun by my suggestion. Gio came up with a whole slew of fun ideas, but we ended up only doing two of them, and very half assed. But it's all good.
We attempted yet another puzzle together, big mistake, we got bored fast, I'd given up way before him because I couldn't stop savoring the thoughts of being with him happily again, and I was filled with too much love to think of anything else really. So we went and watched Silence of the Lambs because I'd never seen it before. He quoted Hannibal Lector pretty much perfectly, and I was informed of things that would happen before they did, thats what its like to watch movies with Gio. But it was okay, it just made things less creepy and more funny, like the way he said, "He's gotta tuck that junk back." when the Buffalo Bill guy was dancing in front of his camera.
Life was good in his arms, and I realized suddenly there, that I didn't miss him, he missed me. The whole time I was thinking that he'd changed and as I sort of blamed him for as a main reason our relationship was starting to fail, "he was changing so it made me sad and difficult blah blah blah I'm a dirty liar". I looked up at him in the dim flickering light of the tiny bedside TV and when he looked back, I saw in his eyes it was true. I'd changed yet again, and I'd gone away, that's why things changed, I beat myself into thinking all the wrong things. But his eyes were forgiving, and I apologized and told him that I realized he was there all along and he'd never gone anywhere. Of course he didn't understand my cryptic message, but accepted none the less. He's always been so patient with me. When the movie was over we went to the park and even though got eaten by mosquitoes, we talked and bonded all the same. It's nice to be good around him again, I'm glad the real me is back and I hope I stay for a lot longer this time.
Thursday, June 10
Your Hair
Giovanni,
I wonder if you see how much I miss you? How much I love you? Do you see it at all anymore? Lately it seems like you just don't care anymore, like you just want to get away from me when we're together, which hasn't been much for a while. You were going to come over Tuesday, but I said you couldn't because my dad would be home all week. Monday went the same, your dad took your truck and you were stranded at your abode. That was all well and good... But you never supplied an alternative. Its not all your fault, I never tried to think of anything else either, but, I mean... I guess I might have felt a little more secure in our relationship if I knew you even wanted to see me at all. Now I'm not blaming you, babe. I promise you that. This relationship is 50/50 and its my fault too. It just seemed like you didn't care... and that burned.
Your hair reminds me of last summer, when it was short like that. When everything was new and exciting and we'd do anything in our power to be near each other, hold hands, anything. And now look at us. We're.... Unhappy. Plain and simple. And you can't HONESTLY tell me that you're happy like this. If you do then you're a liar.
It was unnecessarily long pauses at stop signs to kiss, talking for hours in your car, making up words when we got nervous and tongue tied, all the nights we spent on dates that didn't always go the way you'd planned, and only pretending to watch movies while we talked and laughed and kissed. Those little things hat made me fall in love with you. Honestly, Gio, the moment we first kissed I knew I'd be in love with you. It took months and months to admit it, but I knew that we'd be in love. And even though I'm so opposed to that word sometimes, t he thought, scratch that, the knowledge that someone like you would love me made me SO happy. Every little bit of me was warmed by that sunset-pretty anticipation. I think that's what kept me going for so long. That night you said it was over, I've completely forgotten why I was upset in the first place, but ultimately, I was trying to push you away. Despite my opposition, I wanted you to tell me that you loved me, and I wanted to know you meant it like you were supposed to when you said it. The week or so before you broke up with me I was plagued. The thoughts that began our relationship weren't coming true. You hadn't said it, and I was starting to believe that you never would. Maybe you don't really, and maybe you never will. Maybe you only said it to appease me. I don't know. But I guess I was beginning to panic because I realized that NO ONE would love me. I mean, maybe "B" was right. I was lucky he loved me, because no one else would, so I pushed you away, not wanting to get hurt. Or started pushing anyways. I loved you, I had for a long while, and I knew you'd never love me back, I didn't want to get hurt again, and you were beginning to hurt me. Granted the breakup only lasted a short while, the freedom was bitter sweet. I loved you and wanted to keep you, but I wanted the both of us to be happy.
Your hair reminds me of happiness. All of these memories of us are dancing around in my head, in spastic and sometimes pretty circles, and I compare them to us now, and I wonder if you still care or if you're just going through the motions. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in. Are we staying out of comfort? I know I'm not. I LOVE you still. But do you want to stay together? Do you love me at all, Gio? If you do... Where are you? I miss you.
I wonder if you see how much I miss you? How much I love you? Do you see it at all anymore? Lately it seems like you just don't care anymore, like you just want to get away from me when we're together, which hasn't been much for a while. You were going to come over Tuesday, but I said you couldn't because my dad would be home all week. Monday went the same, your dad took your truck and you were stranded at your abode. That was all well and good... But you never supplied an alternative. Its not all your fault, I never tried to think of anything else either, but, I mean... I guess I might have felt a little more secure in our relationship if I knew you even wanted to see me at all. Now I'm not blaming you, babe. I promise you that. This relationship is 50/50 and its my fault too. It just seemed like you didn't care... and that burned.
Your hair reminds me of last summer, when it was short like that. When everything was new and exciting and we'd do anything in our power to be near each other, hold hands, anything. And now look at us. We're.... Unhappy. Plain and simple. And you can't HONESTLY tell me that you're happy like this. If you do then you're a liar.
It was unnecessarily long pauses at stop signs to kiss, talking for hours in your car, making up words when we got nervous and tongue tied, all the nights we spent on dates that didn't always go the way you'd planned, and only pretending to watch movies while we talked and laughed and kissed. Those little things hat made me fall in love with you. Honestly, Gio, the moment we first kissed I knew I'd be in love with you. It took months and months to admit it, but I knew that we'd be in love. And even though I'm so opposed to that word sometimes, t he thought, scratch that, the knowledge that someone like you would love me made me SO happy. Every little bit of me was warmed by that sunset-pretty anticipation. I think that's what kept me going for so long. That night you said it was over, I've completely forgotten why I was upset in the first place, but ultimately, I was trying to push you away. Despite my opposition, I wanted you to tell me that you loved me, and I wanted to know you meant it like you were supposed to when you said it. The week or so before you broke up with me I was plagued. The thoughts that began our relationship weren't coming true. You hadn't said it, and I was starting to believe that you never would. Maybe you don't really, and maybe you never will. Maybe you only said it to appease me. I don't know. But I guess I was beginning to panic because I realized that NO ONE would love me. I mean, maybe "B" was right. I was lucky he loved me, because no one else would, so I pushed you away, not wanting to get hurt. Or started pushing anyways. I loved you, I had for a long while, and I knew you'd never love me back, I didn't want to get hurt again, and you were beginning to hurt me. Granted the breakup only lasted a short while, the freedom was bitter sweet. I loved you and wanted to keep you, but I wanted the both of us to be happy.
Your hair reminds me of happiness. All of these memories of us are dancing around in my head, in spastic and sometimes pretty circles, and I compare them to us now, and I wonder if you still care or if you're just going through the motions. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in. Are we staying out of comfort? I know I'm not. I LOVE you still. But do you want to stay together? Do you love me at all, Gio? If you do... Where are you? I miss you.
Tuesday, June 8
I'd Rather Be Drugged than Crazy
Am I insane? They tell me that I'm not, Its just hormones, its just insecurity, its part of growing up. Goddammit I'm 18 years old! I should be finished growing up! And yet my moods are still swinging back and forth between calm and spastic and spastic to depressed and depressed to calm and back and forth to and fro... I can't take it.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so disconnected with everyone. I dont want to talk to anyone... But I want to stop feeling alone.
But again, I dont want to talk to anyone. I'm so sick of making people miserable. And I do. I make people SO miserable. I make them so sad, because they just dont understand how my head works, and that when I say mean things i don't do it on purpose. I know i shouldn't say it, and it'll jeopardize the future relationship, but.... I can't help it, and say it anyways.
I wish I could be on some sort of drug sometimes.... Days like this I mean. Because I'd rather be a doped up zombie than that crazy girl with no friends.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so disconnected with everyone. I dont want to talk to anyone... But I want to stop feeling alone.
But again, I dont want to talk to anyone. I'm so sick of making people miserable. And I do. I make people SO miserable. I make them so sad, because they just dont understand how my head works, and that when I say mean things i don't do it on purpose. I know i shouldn't say it, and it'll jeopardize the future relationship, but.... I can't help it, and say it anyways.
I wish I could be on some sort of drug sometimes.... Days like this I mean. Because I'd rather be a doped up zombie than that crazy girl with no friends.
Party? I'll Pass
Gio mentioned again about his Grad party to me, which is on Saturday. And I'd declined and declined until today when he asked yet again. Why did I say no? His family will be there, and what if I have a breakdown or i get too nervous and too awkward, I'm not smart like them, I'm really not smart at all, I don't have the.... whatever it is that other people do that make them like me. People generally hear me talk, look me over, label me "Freak" and walk away. Right?
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.
Saturday, June 5
Last Chance
Friday. Yesterday. I got my last chance to give the bad B word a piece of my mind. Seniors got out of school Thursday, it was our last official day, but Friday we had to come in for a little while for Graduation rehearsal, right? Right.
He was there, of course, and I saw him a multitude of times and even stood next to him as I hugged, possibly for the last time, one of his goth-y little followers, Adrian. I've know Adrian for a while, and we love to talk, she's my cute little Gothypants :] But no matter what, she always seems to be around him, no matter how mean to her he is they're still friends for some ungodly reason, but who am I to say anything? Its not my place.
So, marching in and out of the cafeteria and the gymnasium and back and forth, I kept seeing him and blah blah blah. And When his name was called to the makeshift stage I kind of cringed a little, and when he walked past my row (I was on the aisle with my counter part Joseph in the opposite aisle, which I think is silly. We have the same last name, we should be right next to each other right?! But I digress.
Maybe it was just me, but he seemed to walk so close to me, and I felt like his eyes were on me as he passed, but I couldn't tell for sure because I was trying not to look at him, and very successfully so.
Then when rehearsal was over and we were all accumulating in the Lobby he stood there. Right there. Right were we used to sit near the end, right where I sit every morning, he was standing there, and he kept looking at me. I could have taken those moments to confront you, but I didn't... I don't know why, but I didn't.
Tomorrow is graduation. Do I muster the courage to give you a piece of my mind, or drop the subject all together?
Decisions, decisions.
He was there, of course, and I saw him a multitude of times and even stood next to him as I hugged, possibly for the last time, one of his goth-y little followers, Adrian. I've know Adrian for a while, and we love to talk, she's my cute little Gothypants :] But no matter what, she always seems to be around him, no matter how mean to her he is they're still friends for some ungodly reason, but who am I to say anything? Its not my place.
So, marching in and out of the cafeteria and the gymnasium and back and forth, I kept seeing him and blah blah blah. And When his name was called to the makeshift stage I kind of cringed a little, and when he walked past my row (I was on the aisle with my counter part Joseph in the opposite aisle, which I think is silly. We have the same last name, we should be right next to each other right?! But I digress.
Maybe it was just me, but he seemed to walk so close to me, and I felt like his eyes were on me as he passed, but I couldn't tell for sure because I was trying not to look at him, and very successfully so.
Then when rehearsal was over and we were all accumulating in the Lobby he stood there. Right there. Right were we used to sit near the end, right where I sit every morning, he was standing there, and he kept looking at me. I could have taken those moments to confront you, but I didn't... I don't know why, but I didn't.
Tomorrow is graduation. Do I muster the courage to give you a piece of my mind, or drop the subject all together?
Decisions, decisions.
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