Wishing, Wondering.

Been thinking about Micki a lot lately, found the newspaper with the front page article on her death in one of my guinea pig's baskets under her cage. It said that she was hit from behind and that Sam, the girl she was with, had tried to pull her off the road. What was Micki thinking? I wonder what her last words were... I wonder why she didn't get out of the road. I wonder how the lady that hit her didn't see her. Maybe they were just past the crest of the hill... I also wonder if Nora's soul theory is correct, and everyone's destiny and the moves between birth and that destiny are planned out by us before we're born. If it's true, why would Micki choose such a fate. To abandon her body and life at the age of only 15. I also wonder if people secretly, subconsciously know they'll die young. Thats why the good die young. They want to leave their mark in the small amount of time they have... So they become those happy, fun, energetic, beautiful individuals, captivating as many people as they cane before they know they have to go.
Which brings about another serious question: When its our time to die, do we instinctively know it? Which would/could mean that Nora's theory may be right... I think about her way more at night, Micki. And tend not to go over the speed limit but under by 5 or 10 when I'm driving home, depending on if someone's following me or not. Every roadside pedestrian I pass becomes her, and somehow, by safely passing them, I'm saving her, if only in the fragments of my memory. I wish she were still around. I miss her. I miss her too much.

Saying Goodbye Part 2

As we got closer and closer to the funeral home, my heart started to race. I started getting anxious and wanting to tell Nora to turn around and that I didn't want to go. But I never opened my mouth to say any of those things, so we found a lonely parking space, and walked in with some of the friends or family who knew her. I saw a few people I knew, and met Micki's Mamaw, who seemed a kind old woman. It took a little while for me to get through the door, but I followed a crying woman eventually, signed the guest book, took one of Micki's cards and moved into the main room. Seeing her on the other side of the room, still as can be made my eyes well up. I knew I would cry, and was surprised that I hadn't when I got out of the car. But I'd held strong til that moment. I stood in the middle of an aisle, just staring, crying, turning away, then looking back again. One of her friends came up to me, her face red and soaked with tears. We pulled each other into a hug. This girl was one of Micki's best friends, and was with her the night she died. She said that she was sorry, and I couldn't say anything back, she then told me that Micki absolutely loved me, and that she talked about me all the time. I started to cry a little harder and the girl pulled me back into a hug until she said she had to go find her mother. I was ashamed that I couldn't say anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've apologized to her since then. She said it was alright, and she meant what she said. That was a bittersweet feeling.
It took a long time to get up towards the front after that. But when I saw a mutual friend of ours who had journalism with us and was part of our tight-knit group of 4. I went up to her for a hug, then when she went to see Micki's mom, Nora asked me if I wanted to go too, and I agreed because I knew I wouldn't get myself up there alone. Her mother cried and cried. It seemed like every person who came to give her their condolences was like hearing her daughter had died all over again. She sobbed the whole time I was there. I felt so awful for her. Next came Micki.
Seeing her in her pretty coffin, laying with her headphones a pink leopard stuffed animal, and various bracelets laced around her little wrists, just made it all the more difficult. It ached in every part of me to see such a lively and vibrant girl so still, to know that she would never grace the company of the room with her presence again, and that she wouldn't be there to make any of us smile...ever....
We stayed for a while, I was again stuck in the back, wishing that I could get off of my numb butt, and let my feet carry me over to her to say my final goodbye. Lots of people came and went from her coffin, and I stayed, Nora holding tight to my hand and shoulder, waiting for my decision, very patiently. I am very thankful she did, I know how funerals and such make her feel. And I'm so glad she stayed with me. After a while I choked out that I was waiting for the last couple people by her coffin to go, then I wanted to say goodbye and we could go. She helped me stand when it came time, and waited behind me while I went up to her coffin alone, and told her I loved her, I missed her already, and said my final, whisper-sobbed, tearful goodbye. When I was ready as I was going to be I turned, and Nora lead me back out to her car. She then bought me ice cream, and shared a memory of Micki she had. It was just one, but she didn't know her well, though she knew how special she was to me and wanted to cheer me up.

Poetry-like for the moment:
The moon watched as the sun buried its competition behind a pair of bright headlights. R.I.P. Micki. You will be remembered always.

Saying Goodbye

Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter.
I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today.
I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real.
I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her.
I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive.
I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....

Micki

On the 17th a dear friend to me was struck by a car not far from here, and killed at about 9 o'clock, she was pronounced dead on the scene. She was only 15 years old.
The initial shock when I found out yesterday made me scream and cry and shout "No! No! No!" But honestly there was no amount of words that could bring her back.
Now, I had only known this precious girl since the beginning of my senior year, she was in Journalism with me after about the first week, she was one of two Freshman in the class, also making her one of the youngest members of the school paper's staff. I don't remember when we first talked, or what we said to each other, but I remember she was sweet and full of life, she just seemed so excited just to BE, and the silly girl had a thing for socks, ever new pair she got she had to show them off, it was the funniest damn thing you could ever see.
After spending only about an hour every day talking to her I began to realize, that my past was her present. She was almost exactly how I was when I was a freshman. We had a few differences of course, she was a tad crazier (meaning in a fun way) than me, and 2x as outgoing. She had a light inside her that touched everyone around her, she was....amazing really.
No tears come when I think of her now, I feel very devastated by the situation, but I can't imagine how her family and best friends feel about it, including the girl who was with her during the incident. Losing someone so precious after only being able to have her for 15 years must be 100x worse than anything I may feel right now, or last night or even when I found out. I hope that somehow I can get a message out to them that I'm sending condolences, and I know that I'll figure out a way.
Micki was a precious girl, there's no other way to explain her, she was very special, and bright, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see her smiling. It seems like this all went too fast... Like, now you see her now you don't. First your hugging her goodbye at school, the last time you see her, not knowing you would never see her again, and now she's dead.
There. I typed it, its true now. Micki is dead. It seems impossible, but she is. Now comes the confusion, where I am and have been since I calmed down from crying last night. I know what death is, I know what death means, but any connotation of that word added next to her name seems impossible. How a girl who was never able to just sit still, which made her beautiful and fun, how she has to stay still now forever seems impossible. Simply impossible, like, they must have made a mistake, she could never die. She wasn't supposed to die yet, she was supposed to die old and happy and warm in her bed when she's like... 90 okay? That was how it was supposed to go. But it didn't. I guess I keep waiting for her to log into facebook and see that all her friends said "rest in peace" and "i'll miss you" and "I love you" and she'll just be confused, and reply to everyone like "What's going on you guys? I'm only in Kentucky!" Because that's where she's from. She was so excited on Wednesday because she was going home for the summer. She was so excited. She was supposed to go there today....
Rest in Peace Micki. Guess this makes you a real angel now.

This is a video a couple of her close friends made for her:
You don't have to watch the whole thing, the last couple minutes are a montage of Micki. I love and miss her, and this made me cry a little.

Theft or Protection?

Laying in bed last night I remembered someone from Sophomore year.... She was a really good friend of mine, very flirty but shy and sweet. I knew her when I went out with the bad-'B'-word. (This is what he has been known as since the incident because I haven't the capacity to write or say his name without becoming a complete basket case, and any name but his own is too good for him as a "codename")
I remember talking to this friend of mine, (we'll call her Chi, because she loved reading the manga 'Chobits' and that was the first word I could Identify her with on the Chobits wikipedia page) So Chi and I would talk about all sorts of things, her sad struggle for happiness, the boys she was crushing on, my boyfriend.... who, at the time, I thought was a pretty great guy :| Age and love are fickle and cruel.
Most of the memories from when the relationship with me and the bad-'B'-word went sour are still jumbled, but I remember my first revelation. The first time I decided that there was no turning back. "He's an asshole" I would say to myself and everyone else, as if that changed anything. "I never wanna be with him again." Though I'm pretty sure now, that everyone knew better.
But that first revelation, it must have been the 18th breakup with us, and the longest. Chi started talking about how she'd always kinda had a crush on him. I don't remember if I warned her or told her good luck getting him. Though she'd never had trouble getting boys, she was blonde and nerdy (she loved Anime and Manga and Video games and things I couldnt even say, all of which I had no interest in, but he did) and she was absolutely beautiful to top, Bad-'B'-word's dream (most likely anyways). I could never compete against that. I'm a very plain looking girl, nothing about me is either beautiful or memorable. I'm just me, drifting through the seas of people like a spec of algae amongst shiny fish.
I remember hearing her say she was crushing on him, but nothing else. I dont remember the time that passed, between then and the part that happened after, but I remember she voiced her opinion about him, one that we had in common, though in my time away from him i wouldn't dare repeat.
I remember going to French class... I think it was morning, but I couldn't honestly say.I remember Chi's locker was right next to my french room. I can still see them together.... the image is almost burned into my memory. I don't remember what they were wearing, or their hairstyles at the time, but I remember their faces, meshing together, one of his hands on her waist, the other at her neck. I can see their lips and tongues dancing together, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
The boy I was dreadfully in love with, was kissing one of my best friends, not long after we broke up, and right in front of my eyes. In front of a class I'm not even sure he knew I had.
I remember holding back my rage as I "ooo"d at her as if to show that I was excited for her. I remember sitting down in class after she smiled so widely at me, brackets over pearly white teeth shining like no other.
And in those moments I felt so much rage and jealousy I scarcely knew how to contain myself.... and that's where it goes black again... All I remember is that after that me and him got back together, and I never asked her how she felt, and if I'd made her angry by doing that..... Everything else is black or there's so much life and color from one memory to another I can't distinguish them.... This is the only thing I've deciphered for a while....
I wonder if I thought I was stealing him from her.... or back from her maybe.... Or if I thought I was protecting her from what I knew he could do to her fragile heart.... I just don't know..... I'm not sure I ever will.

Word for Word Thoughts

So, one day in Journalism, when I had nothing to do, the teacher came in, in a particularly foul mood, and told everyone she better see us working or we would fail for the day. YIKES! So naturally everyone got off facebook, youtube, and whatever else, and opened up either word documents or InDesign and started working. Now... I couldn't work on anything because the events I was writing about hadn't even come up yet. I didn't want to fail for the day, so I started writing all my thoughts down, and eventually decided to give them to Gio.
This was a few months ago, so Gio'd kept my thoughts for a while, and recently he pulled them out of nowhere with a big smile on his face. After telling my friend Amy about the incident and she insisted on reading it, and when she finished she decided it was cute and funny (for some crazy reason) and that I had to put it in the blog, but Sorry, Amy-bear. I'm not doing it (right now anyways :P) :| It was like a page and a half worth of all the thoughts that came into my head in like 15 minuted O.o too much. Just too much.
But honestly, has anyone else been that bored or done something crazy like that just to escape failing? Or am I just a psycho O.o

Honestly I had something better to write today, but I can't remember what it was. Must not have been that important :{P <--MUSTACHE SMILEY!