Well, not quite 50. More like... three? Since starting my new job I've been blatantly admired by at least 6 guys and asked out by 4 of them. Do I feel beautiful? Abso-freaking-lutely!
The first date was with a boy I technically met on a social networking site, and he seemed a little annoying, but I gave him a shot anyways, bad idea. He works in the same place as me, and so we hung out there a little, he'd bring me cheesecake and stuff, and once a red rose, so naturally being flattered by his advances I accepted when he asked me out. But when we went on the date, he kept groping on me, and kissing on me, and when I pushed him away and told him to stop, he just said, oh you like it, and went right back to it! AWFUL! Then to top it off, when I finally did get him to quit, he'd just say "Well, fine! I won't do anything then!" and turn away and ignore me.
Worst. Date. EVER!
Second date was with a boy called Mark, he's a 23-year-old charming, funny, semi-narcissist, who happens to be a Nick Swardson look-alike. Needless to say, I like him a bit. I met him in December at a sex toy party, and he seemed interested in me immediately, I could feel it, but at the time I was with Gio, and not about to lose his trust, love, and faith in me. Did I think he was cute? Yeah. Did I tell anyone? Hell no. And yeah, I know, weird place to meet a potential date, but... Seriously? Is it really all that bad? It was like a regular get together, though the main subject was sex. So what? Haha!
Anyways, So, we started talking a week or so after Gio and I broke up, and he pissed me off, but in a fun way. He was infuriating, and my feisty side had been dormant for so long because I was afraid to upset Gio with my sarcastic comments and teases. So I let it aaaaaallll out on Mark. And he sparred wit with me for hours and hours, and when things got serious he read everything I typed down for him, made his comments, and pointed out certain things and showed his point of view in his special way. So when he finally asked me out and we made plans to go around town and walk and talk and see where else we got and if we had more in common than we thought. We waited a while though, because his car was in the shop for repairs. When the day of the date came, his car wasn't ready, so I managed to take the family car and drive out to see him. Talking and laughing lead to hugs and kisses, and a little cuddling, and feeling close to someone again. After that he wanted to be exclusive, deciding he wanted me for himself. Though I told him, as I told my other dates, that I wasn't interested in a relationship just yet, and I wanted to date around and get a feel for things, get back up, dust off my heart, try to re-assemble it, and see where I got after that. He was okay with that, as long and promised to be patient.
Date number 3 I met at school, and had no idea he had a crush on me. Now, he's a really funny guy, and he's really awesome, but I don't like him the way he likes me, though I accepted anyways, just to see what could come of a date. We went to classic movie and dinner (pizza dinner, YUM!) then not wanting to stop hanging out, we went to Walmart and placed odd items in odd places; i.e. Mouthwash and bibles by the condoms and pregnancy tests, putting melons in bras and strewing them about, women's thongs in place of men's thongs, stuff like that. And it was a blast. All the while we were talking and laughing and being cool. Then when he finally took me home, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight, which was cute, but I rejected the kiss, not wanting him to think this would go any farther in that direction. I liked him and had fun, but I didn't want to date him. I will gladly hang out anytime!
I've gone on another date with Mark, and it was a blast. He's made it clear he doesn't just want me for sex or anything, though he IS a guy and thinks sex is perfectly fine when I'm willing to give it. He's a sweet talker, and I like that. He has the ability to be so sweet, and still can take all the feist I can throw at him. Its incredible. As of last night, we're exclusive. Mark is not my boyfriend, and I'm not his girlfriend, I made that very clear, we're just exclusively dating each other to see where we go for now, maybe later on we'll be something more, but i dunno yet.
Nora, if you're reading, I know you think he's bad for me, I know how you feel about him, I am being careful, I promise, But something keeps me going back to him, and its not like with the Bad 'B' word, this is different... Will I get hurt? Probably. But.... I can't stay away. <3 Nora, you said I'll be just fine up here without you, and I wanna show you I can make it. Is this possibly a destructive way of doing so, yeah, But I can get through this IF he is as bad as you think.
Thursday, July 29
Thursday, July 22
I am NOT my past
"I believe God wants you to know..... that you are not your 'story.' Who you are is so much bigger than that. It's okay to give up your past now.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way we are now, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now? What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be, rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of your story."
I got this from Nora's mom a while back, and circumstances have arisen that make me feel the need to post it. I have the collage Nora's mom made for me on my wall, and I at least glance at it every day.
Paired with a bit of everyday 'hope' latched to my wrist, I can try to make it at least one more day.
Thanks Nora and Mommy-2. I love you guys.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way we are now, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now? What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be, rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of your story."
I got this from Nora's mom a while back, and circumstances have arisen that make me feel the need to post it. I have the collage Nora's mom made for me on my wall, and I at least glance at it every day.
Paired with a bit of everyday 'hope' latched to my wrist, I can try to make it at least one more day.
Thanks Nora and Mommy-2. I love you guys.
Monday, July 19
Hey Moon, You Forgot Not To Fall Down
Sorry I've been gone so long... if anyone reads this at all... Probably not, but a girl can wonder... The whole Gio thing has been on my mind a lot and given a little time to stop crying and cool down the following guilt and anger that arose from being dumped, I'm now able to write this and flirt with all the guys at work. Now. This freedom is completely bittersweet. The parts of me that have always had commitment issues is extremely happy just to live and let go, flirt around and enjoy the single life, while the other half of me is still kind of mourning the fact that Gio's lips wont touch mine anymore, nor will his hands be in mine, nor will I get to sleep in his arms, away from every little bad thing in my mind and in the world. Do I love him regardless of this situation? Of course, and I miss him, but if this is what will make him happy, I have to let him go. I love him too much to hold him back and hurt him anymore.
The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome.
He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone.
Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.
Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome.
He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone.
Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.
Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
Wednesday, July 7
Gio.
Gio's done, Gio's gone. For good this time. I miss him already. I love him so much. I wish I coulda fixed it. I'll write more when I get another feeling other than sadness..... and complete hopelessness... All I can say is that I feel connected with this video. Especially the very beginning when the color gets smashed.
Sunday, July 4
Latest Epiphany
Well. Here we are again in the dumps. Nice to see you hard feelings, how's the family? Its been a while, lets have another round of drinks POURED ON me :|
Its all because NO ONE will EVER love me more or as much as I love them. That's why I'm crazy. I mean, for a while I've been feeling like Gio doesn't love me anymore and doesn't even wanna be around me anymore and secretly he just wants to get out of this relationship but he's to chicken shit to say anything.
Now I love this boy. Dare I say more than anyone else. And I know I've gone through this issue on here before. But... Once again, I have to write this down or it will fester into another infectious puss wound on my heart.
Its the way I feel like he looks at me now, Like, "man. I once thought you were so killer amazing.... and now.... I see you. You're just another trashy bitch... but how to I tell you that?" And... It really hurts... I mean... He's not kissy anymore, He's still touchy sometimes. But i feel like we haven't kissed in forever. I may be wrong, we probably have but right now I'm blocking it out mentally for the sake of piling more shit on myself in the grave I've dug.
Today in the car I figured it out though. I was thinking of Gio, then I thought of the bad 'B' word and how I felt this EXACT way about him too! And the whole reason I've gotten depressed and crazy was because I felt like he didn't love me!
Its because NO ONE will ever be good enough for me. I will ALWAYS love the person I'm with more than they will EVER love me. And if they do love me, I will deny and deny it. I'm meant to be alone. I think I see it now. That's why I see no children in my future for myself, why I don't see me getting married, and dying early on in my life. Because I won't have a reason to stick around. I'm going to be miserably without love until the day I die.
Its all because NO ONE will EVER love me more or as much as I love them. That's why I'm crazy. I mean, for a while I've been feeling like Gio doesn't love me anymore and doesn't even wanna be around me anymore and secretly he just wants to get out of this relationship but he's to chicken shit to say anything.
Now I love this boy. Dare I say more than anyone else. And I know I've gone through this issue on here before. But... Once again, I have to write this down or it will fester into another infectious puss wound on my heart.
Its the way I feel like he looks at me now, Like, "man. I once thought you were so killer amazing.... and now.... I see you. You're just another trashy bitch... but how to I tell you that?" And... It really hurts... I mean... He's not kissy anymore, He's still touchy sometimes. But i feel like we haven't kissed in forever. I may be wrong, we probably have but right now I'm blocking it out mentally for the sake of piling more shit on myself in the grave I've dug.
Today in the car I figured it out though. I was thinking of Gio, then I thought of the bad 'B' word and how I felt this EXACT way about him too! And the whole reason I've gotten depressed and crazy was because I felt like he didn't love me!
Its because NO ONE will ever be good enough for me. I will ALWAYS love the person I'm with more than they will EVER love me. And if they do love me, I will deny and deny it. I'm meant to be alone. I think I see it now. That's why I see no children in my future for myself, why I don't see me getting married, and dying early on in my life. Because I won't have a reason to stick around. I'm going to be miserably without love until the day I die.
Thursday, July 1
Who Will Look After Me?
My biggest fear about Nora leaving is that no one gets me like she does. If she's so far away and doesn't know what's going on in my life, who will be there to discuss what's going on and guide me? I can't live my own life... I just can't. I almost don't know how to. Its ridiculas I know, but... I'm so lost without her. When Joseph comes back from Tennessee, will he still want to hang out with me? Will Amy? Becki? Anyone? Or did they only like me because Nora was there to iron out my awkward and annoying parts?
I don't want to be alone more than anything in the world. I need someone around to get me. I mean, Gio understands me almost completely, but even he gets confused and lost in my head sometimes. I just don't want to be alone.... I don't want to be the girl with no friends again. And sure I'll make new friends its an inevitable part of life, but... none like the ones I had... Nora, I don't know if I'll make it... :[
I need someone to help me. I can't do this alone.... Not again, not anymore....
I don't want to be alone more than anything in the world. I need someone around to get me. I mean, Gio understands me almost completely, but even he gets confused and lost in my head sometimes. I just don't want to be alone.... I don't want to be the girl with no friends again. And sure I'll make new friends its an inevitable part of life, but... none like the ones I had... Nora, I don't know if I'll make it... :[
I need someone to help me. I can't do this alone.... Not again, not anymore....
| The Fray - Look After You .mp3 | ||
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 | Found at bee mp3 search engine |  |
Step-Dad
Amongst all of the other general life quarrels I struggle through, there's the "daddy issue". He rants at me every day, telling me my mother is a pig and a "cunt" by the way i HATE that word with a fiery passion, and he talks about how my mom isn't a good mother because she's like my best friend and not my mom and thats why I am the way I am, and he says he's sick of her being so selfish because everything's not about him and how he's not happy because we're in his life and he's about to pack up his shit and leave.
I hate when he does this. It just makes me want to cry. I mean... Its just been my mama and me since I was a baby. I mean, sure there was grandma and grandpa involved for the first few years to help raise me, but me and my mom have stuck together thick and thin. And this father figure I have now came in when I was about 5 years old, and everything was good, until I hit about 10 or 11. It was like I could do no right at that point. We could play and laugh, but if I made one unknowingly wrong move, he would get so angry with me. If i spilled anything I became a selfish pig. Clumsiness runs in my family, but it seems to be an unforgivable thought in his eyes. I tried to make him happy, but I guess I've always known that I wouldn't be perfect, so he would never like me enough, or be nicer to me.
Then when everything happened, he seemed to hate me so much and on one occasion he even called me "whore." I told my mom, but she didn't believe me, which only made the hate in my heart sting worse because it went without vengeance.
Today was no different, I got the whole ranting schbeal again, and he made a comment as to one day I would see my mother's follies and I would hate her too and blah blah blah. And I mean... My mom has some serious flaws. We all do. Does that make her an awful person? Absolutely not. i mean, sometimes Dad makes some valid points about my mother, but he shouldn't be so critical of her, he shouldn't throw bricks at glass houses when he lives in one.
I mean... I love my mom, and no matter what I'm on her side. She may, yes, annnoy the crap out of me sometimes, but I will NEVER side with anyone else, she's my mama. She gave up a lot to take care of and have me. Why would I think badly of a woman like that?
It just hurts to think about....
I hate when he does this. It just makes me want to cry. I mean... Its just been my mama and me since I was a baby. I mean, sure there was grandma and grandpa involved for the first few years to help raise me, but me and my mom have stuck together thick and thin. And this father figure I have now came in when I was about 5 years old, and everything was good, until I hit about 10 or 11. It was like I could do no right at that point. We could play and laugh, but if I made one unknowingly wrong move, he would get so angry with me. If i spilled anything I became a selfish pig. Clumsiness runs in my family, but it seems to be an unforgivable thought in his eyes. I tried to make him happy, but I guess I've always known that I wouldn't be perfect, so he would never like me enough, or be nicer to me.
Then when everything happened, he seemed to hate me so much and on one occasion he even called me "whore." I told my mom, but she didn't believe me, which only made the hate in my heart sting worse because it went without vengeance.
Today was no different, I got the whole ranting schbeal again, and he made a comment as to one day I would see my mother's follies and I would hate her too and blah blah blah. And I mean... My mom has some serious flaws. We all do. Does that make her an awful person? Absolutely not. i mean, sometimes Dad makes some valid points about my mother, but he shouldn't be so critical of her, he shouldn't throw bricks at glass houses when he lives in one.
I mean... I love my mom, and no matter what I'm on her side. She may, yes, annnoy the crap out of me sometimes, but I will NEVER side with anyone else, she's my mama. She gave up a lot to take care of and have me. Why would I think badly of a woman like that?
It just hurts to think about....
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