Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Surprises

After school I stopped at walmart on my way home to buy some school supplies for an extra credit opportunity in English, and the gobstoppers as an apology gift to his royal ever-so-right-high-n-ass. :] I was extremely excited, I love surprises, I love doing things for people that will make them smile and be happy, and this was something I could do for Mark that would make him happy and help him understand I meant it when I said I was sorry.
I went home and immediately got to work on the project at hand. It took some time to find the exact right wrapping paper to go around the gobstopper boxes, I wanted something brown, and at first I tried a brown paper bag but found that it was much too thick, so I moved to tissue paper. The first layer was black so that he wouldn't be able to see what I was giving him through the brown and the message I wanted to write on it.

Mark, You were right.
I'm sorry.
<3 Arielle

I then put it in a small, shiny, blue gift bag, tied up the handles with curly white ribbons and made a tag that said "Mark" On the outside, and when you opened it it said "Open it!"
I knew that he would be home from work very soon at that point, so I got ready for work myself, and sped over to his house, driving like a total asshole all the way there because I didn't want him to beat me there and ruin the surprise.
I was absolutely giddy on the way there, my heart was racing and pounding, I was so excited for him to see! We hadn't really spoken all day so it would be 100 times better for him to get home and see that I'd apologized.
I pulled into the driveway just as I knew he would be let off from work, and ran in, placing the bag on the circular chair in his room, and ran back out.

It took a long time for me to get a message from him while I was at work, and after getting nervous that he didn't like it or thought it a weak attempt I texted him to see if maybe he just didn't say anything because I was working, or again, he thought my appology to be lame.
Not the case at all.
He said he'd stopped at his friends, and soon was on his way back home. I knew when he got there, because he sent me a text saying what a wonderful gift he'd gotten from someone, and how he forgave me and that He really loved the gift and the message it sent.
Success. :]

I Was Wrong... But Only a Little

I admit it, I over reacted the other day. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but Mark was right. I hate letting him know that. I wiggged out a little because he was playing video games the whole time we were together and I was trying to get him to pay attention to me, and he wouldn't. He paid a little attention to me but didn't give me what I wanted.
"I'm sorry" He'd said, "It won't happen again."
"But it will." I replied
"What makes you think that?"
"You're a guy..."
"So now you're generalizing me." He said a faint questioning in his voice.
"A Little." I hummed into his chest as he held onto me.
He really didn't like that, he also said that he felt a little used, seeing as I wanted some "alone" time with him. He wondered if we had to every time we were together, saying he really likes to, but seeing as he was a little sore, he wasn't all that up to it. Later on I made the complaint that any time he wanted sex he had to have it and if I said no, he'd grump about it and say "You never want to" which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to. So I do it, and don't get me wrong, I really love sex with Mark, but sometimes I don't feel like it. So like I said, I do it because he's paying attention to me and I like that. Once again, I wanna make it clear, I like sex with him so it's no big deal, I also like spending time with him whether or not he's necessarily paying attention to me or not. Sometimes I just want to be in the same place as him, so I don't care if we're not talking or doing something together, as long as he's around I'm happy.
He made a mention that I needed to be more demanding when I want something, but that's really not in my nature. He also took note to himself that he needed to be more demanding when he knew I need to calm down because I'm over reacting.
He's right, and sometimes I hate that.
I can easily admit when I'm wrong after a little thought on the subject, But right now I don't want to come straight out and say it.
I'm so used to boys siding with me when I'm upset, but Mark is a whole new ball of wax.
I think I'll buy him gobstoppers to apologize. Put them in a fancy bag and leave them on his door step or something...

Hit On Conclusion

I went to see Mark to clear the water after school. It was really awkward at first because neither of us knew how to initiate the conversation about the guy I'd been out with. God I hate saying it like that but I don't know any other way :|
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.

Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P

Rejection

Its awful. Now.. I've never really had to reject anyone before, as I'm not a "high demand" girl. But since I got this job, there are people EVERYWHERE who at least look at me or flirt a little, first time for everything, right? Right. Well a few weeks ago, a small group of men came in, all rather good looking, came in and talked to my boss and I about something little, silly, and trivial. One in particular had his eyes on me the whole time, now, he was INSANELY cute! Not even going to lie, he was handsome as hell! And he made some comments as to he thought I was pretty and such. And then him and his group left. The next weekend, one of the guys from that group came back in and told me that his friend, thought i was really cute, and would be back in very soon. And he was.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.

Hey Moon, You Forgot Not To Fall Down

Sorry I've been gone so long... if anyone reads this at all... Probably not, but a girl can wonder... The whole Gio thing has been on my mind a lot and given a little time to stop crying and cool down the following guilt and anger that arose from being dumped, I'm now able to write this and flirt with all the guys at work. Now. This freedom is completely bittersweet. The parts of me that have always had commitment issues is extremely happy just to live and let go, flirt around and enjoy the single life, while the other half of me is still kind of mourning the fact that Gio's lips wont touch mine anymore, nor will his hands be in mine, nor will I get to sleep in his arms, away from every little bad thing in my mind and in the world. Do I love him regardless of this situation? Of course, and I miss him, but if this is what will make him happy, I have to let him go. I love him too much to hold him back and hurt him anymore.
The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome.
He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone.
Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.

Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.

JoeJoe Rickyleheim: Whats on my mind

Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow?
Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/
Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust.
Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?

Stevo & Bob:

I Was the Only One Who Was Missing

I'd gotten fed up. I went to bed sobbing up a storm, it had to stop! This Gio-hates-me-mania was really getting the best of my fragile emotions. So I called Nora, told her I was calling Gio, and I would put it to him straight. After a short pep talk, I dialed his number and listened shakily as it rang through, I'd only just gotten off the phone with him, a conversation in which I was trying to sport better feelings, though failing. He said it was okay, and he had all the time in the world until I wanted to talk about what was wrong, and that it was sort of comforting to just be on the phone. Or something along those lines. But a second later he said he was going to go. That's why I cried.
So anyways, Gio answered with yet another sad "Hello" and I told him that I wanted him to answer me straight. I said I didn't want any shit, I wanted a simple yes or no answer, and he must have known what I was going to ask, because his answer came lightning fast, I barely got my sobby "Do you want to be with me anymore?" out before he said "Yes" He was honest, I could hear it in his tone, but I asked him if he needed to think it over anymore. He said no to that. It didn't make sense to me! I was confused. I'm so used to feeling like guys just simply don't want me anymore because I'm crazy and undesirable. So I told him I didn't get it. Then I asked if he was only with me for comfort or if he just wanted to be with me. That took him a while. He chose comfort. I choked a little, it made sense, but Nora doesn't think that he meant just plain comfort, she decided it meant he was confused and meant that he wanted to be with me, and it was comfortable to be with me. Whatever Nora. :P
So he then proceeded to tell me that He liked being with me, he looked forward to watching movies with me, and when he got news he didn't see himself telling anyone first except me. That felt nice to hear. :]
So we were left wondering where we went wrong, and taking notice that both of us had been attempting to examine the situation. "we got tired of each other." he said, "there was so much passion when we started, and we spent so much time together" and I finished with "It just fizzled out." I then wondered if we could fix it. Gio said that he hoped we could but he admitted that he didn't know how. I thought that maybe we could start over, but so much time and effort and tears have passed we decided that wasn't going to happen. 9 months is a long time take away to begin again. So we decided that we would do something spontaneous and fun by my suggestion. Gio came up with a whole slew of fun ideas, but we ended up only doing two of them, and very half assed. But it's all good.
We attempted yet another puzzle together, big mistake, we got bored fast, I'd given up way before him because I couldn't stop savoring the thoughts of being with him happily again, and I was filled with too much love to think of anything else really. So we went and watched Silence of the Lambs because I'd never seen it before. He quoted Hannibal Lector pretty much perfectly, and I was informed of things that would happen before they did, thats what its like to watch movies with Gio. But it was okay, it just made things less creepy and more funny, like the way he said, "He's gotta tuck that junk back." when the Buffalo Bill guy was dancing in front of his camera.
Life was good in his arms, and I realized suddenly there, that I didn't miss him, he missed me. The whole time I was thinking that he'd changed and as I sort of blamed him for as a main reason our relationship was starting to fail, "he was changing so it made me sad and difficult blah blah blah I'm a dirty liar". I looked up at him in the dim flickering light of the tiny bedside TV and when he looked back, I saw in his eyes it was true. I'd changed yet again, and I'd gone away, that's why things changed, I beat myself into thinking all the wrong things. But his eyes were forgiving, and I apologized and told him that I realized he was there all along and he'd never gone anywhere. Of course he didn't understand my cryptic message, but accepted none the less. He's always been so patient with me. When the movie was over we went to the park and even though got eaten by mosquitoes, we talked and bonded all the same. It's nice to be good around him again, I'm glad the real me is back and I hope I stay for a lot longer this time.