Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

Some Bullshit Went Down

This is an e-mail I wrote to Nora because I'm too lazy to re-write the bullshit that went down with Mark.

"Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, but I got lots of time now!
Alright, so, of course, like i felt and did to Gio, I felt like Mark had some kind of ulterior motive to be with me, because who would want to be with me for me? right? Yeah, and I know thats not true but, i totally felt that way about it :/ and it happens sometimes. Also, as you know I'd told him what happened my sophomore year, and I let him in farther than I've let any other boyfriend in, and that scared the crap outa me, you know? I mean, the more you know about someone the more you have in your arsenal to hurt them with, and thats the way I saw it. It scared me, so I started pushing him away by attacking him, and I was starting all this shit with him the other night. I was trying to push him to the edges of leaving me and all this other stuff even though, like with Gio, I didn't want him to go. But I kept pushing and pushing. even though I knew it was wrong.
I figure its because I didn't learn from my relationship with Gio- history repeats itself.
Anyways, so the next morning I get a text from him basically saying he wanted to come by my house and get the stuff of his that I have.
So i was like "does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
and he was like "well yeah because I can't deal with your pointless arguing" and the fact that I can't believe anything he says or I think that he's lying all the time.
And for a while we argued about it and said some shit we didn't mean, and after I started feeling bad about saying those things, I apologized, and our conversation turned momentarily serious, and he said that he just couldn't date me if we had such chasms between us and stuff and I was like yeah i understand.
Then somehow we started joking around with each other, talking about Mermaids in my jeans and asshats and crazy funny shit, because the pressure of relationship status wasn't weighing down on me, and somehow I can always open up way easier to guy friends than boyfriends. And he started realizing what he was losing in me; all the things he liked and yada ya.
Then he started saying things mid texts about how he really didn't want to break up and how he really thought we could make it work, and the last text about it was actually really cute, he was talking about all the things about me he liked so much that he wouldn't get to have anymore, he said something like: "i'm really going to miss the massages, the face, the smile, the laughs, the tits and vag..... And the Farkle in the background" lmao that last part probably doesnt make sense to you so I'll explain, when I go to his house, He sometimes plays xbox so I sit on his computer and fuck around on facebook and usually end up playing this game Called Farkle. And he thinks the music this game plays when you fail is hysterical, and he makes fun of it all the time. But I thought that was the cutest thing ever "... And the farkle in the background" lmao!! Anyways, so he came over and we talked a while, and I didn't wanna break up and he didn't wanna break up cuz we're both too stubborn lol and we just decided not to. But when we were talking he was explaining how he felt about me, saying like, he knew he would never find a girl like me, you know, someone who liked anime, let him play video games without really freaking out, made him laugh, and just liked being around him. That was cute. Then he said something about how, how he felt for me was what a lot of people would consider Love, and I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me he loved me there or not.... But i just kinda made a face and let him get on with his little speech."

He just kept saying that I worked well with him, that we were good together and he couldnt find anyone within an outlining state radius, and If he couldnt have me, he didnt really want anyone."
Needless to say that bullshit is over and we're all good now.

I Was Wrong... But Only a Little

I admit it, I over reacted the other day. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but Mark was right. I hate letting him know that. I wiggged out a little because he was playing video games the whole time we were together and I was trying to get him to pay attention to me, and he wouldn't. He paid a little attention to me but didn't give me what I wanted.
"I'm sorry" He'd said, "It won't happen again."
"But it will." I replied
"What makes you think that?"
"You're a guy..."
"So now you're generalizing me." He said a faint questioning in his voice.
"A Little." I hummed into his chest as he held onto me.
He really didn't like that, he also said that he felt a little used, seeing as I wanted some "alone" time with him. He wondered if we had to every time we were together, saying he really likes to, but seeing as he was a little sore, he wasn't all that up to it. Later on I made the complaint that any time he wanted sex he had to have it and if I said no, he'd grump about it and say "You never want to" which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to. So I do it, and don't get me wrong, I really love sex with Mark, but sometimes I don't feel like it. So like I said, I do it because he's paying attention to me and I like that. Once again, I wanna make it clear, I like sex with him so it's no big deal, I also like spending time with him whether or not he's necessarily paying attention to me or not. Sometimes I just want to be in the same place as him, so I don't care if we're not talking or doing something together, as long as he's around I'm happy.
He made a mention that I needed to be more demanding when I want something, but that's really not in my nature. He also took note to himself that he needed to be more demanding when he knew I need to calm down because I'm over reacting.
He's right, and sometimes I hate that.
I can easily admit when I'm wrong after a little thought on the subject, But right now I don't want to come straight out and say it.
I'm so used to boys siding with me when I'm upset, but Mark is a whole new ball of wax.
I think I'll buy him gobstoppers to apologize. Put them in a fancy bag and leave them on his door step or something...

Fear, Not Sorrow

Watch out, this is a long one. A lot of stuff had happened when I wrote this, and it's about 5 of the pages in that yellow notebook.
Also this wasn't actually yesterday, i'm just typing down what I wrote in my notebook. I believe the date of this was actually the 7th but I can't QUITE recall....


Yesterday wasn't all that awesome, but it ended better than I expected I've been a little hormonal for the past few days, so I haven't quite been myself. Also, yesterday I started working out, so I was sore. So I texted Mark to see if he'd come by my house to get me. He was off work by the time I got home, but I wanted to take a shower and such. He said "K, I'll leave soon" I watched the Big C while I waited, after which I didn't get anything from him, so I started watching Weeds and getting a little impatient. About half way through I got a text that just said "Soon" So I replied "If You say so" to which I got a few question marks. I then proceeded to go on about how he said soon over an hour ago and I didn't believe that soon meant what it implied.
My phone started ringing almost right after I sent that text. Mark then explained that he had lost track of time while on skype with one of his friends. Of course I was a little more than upset. Then we had a back and forth of "whats wrong?", "nothing", "whats wrong?", "its not important", "Arielle, what's wrong?", "I just told you." He huffed a little and argued a bit. But ended up saying he was on his way and he'd text me when he got to my place. That's our thing, we text to say "here" before coming in.
So he did that, but stayed in his car, so I went outside and got in his car. He once again asked me what was wrong, his sad eyes looking grey. Once again, I told him it was nothing, but we both knew that something was wrong. We stayed silent through the while 10 minute car ride that seemed so much longer even though he sped a little. We remained silent for a few hours. It was god awful. I texted Joseph multiple times wondering if he might be able to come and get me but I could never give him a straight answer of if i wanted him to or not. Something in me didn't want to leave.
I ended up laying on the floor a while at which time Mark got down and started rubbing my back, and soon he was laying next to me, speaking calmly and quietly asking me to please tell him what was wrong lately because he'd noticed I wasn't acting normal. I didn't really know, so I teared up a little and said I didn't know and shook my confused tears away. I very often can't figure myself out, so this happens a lot.
He said he really wanted me to tell him what was upsetting me and I thought a bit back to the day after my birthday, when my mom tried to convince my dad to say "Happy Birthday" to me. It didn't work, but once again it made me think over my living arrangements. I started, again, to think of moving out. But the only thing stopping me is my mom. I'm afraid for her, afraid of what my dad will do to her without me there as a buffer for his verbal rage. So I said, "my dad".
Mark asked me what my dad had done now and it hurt to think about, it felt really silly to be upset over something like this, but I was. He then asked what my dad had said, and I told him the truth: nothing. It was true, he hadn't said anything to me for months, And that's what i'd told Mark. He wondered out loud if silence was what bothered me then he told me that 10% of what happens in the world is uncontrollable by me, the other 90% was my reaction to it. This is true, but not easy. He then made a comment about how he didn't like the fact that I'd lied about what was wrong and hadn't told him. I've forgotten what else was said at that point though I know I made a mention along the line of me having to go home, then telling Mark I didn't want him to waste gas and that I'd text Joseph.
I then exiled myself to a lonely chair away from him while he took out his frustrations by beating up other people on xbox. I'd try, usually unsuccessfully to fight back tears, and Mark would look in my direction, a look in his eyes like he wished he knew what to do.
When he ended a round in the game I got up and crawled next to him on the bed, laying down and crying. I've never cried in a boy's arms like that before, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. He just held me close to him, his head resting on my shoulder blades. "I'm sorry that whatever is hurting you is causing you this much pain" he whispered. And when my sobs finally died down I snuggled into him, burying my head into his chest. It was a comfort, for him to hold me like that.
"This isn't sorrow." He'd said, "This is fright. Pure terror." And he held me closer as I realized he was right, and tears rolled out again. It was quiet for a while before he whispered very quietly a plead to help, "Please... Tell me what you're so scared of."
And I told him my fear- well part of it. I talked about how I've been thinking of moving out but was afraid of what would happen to my mom. I was afraid to leave her alone with my dad. Mark understood and told me, "the thing is, as sad as it is, is that your survival is most important. Say you're in a car with four other people. No matter how important those other four people are to you, your survival is most going to benefit you." I knew he was right, but I would still rather die than let that man hurt my mother.

Mark got me laughing again after that, and a short bought of silence by telling me about the first time he ever had a gobstopper. <3

Hit On Conclusion

I went to see Mark to clear the water after school. It was really awkward at first because neither of us knew how to initiate the conversation about the guy I'd been out with. God I hate saying it like that but I don't know any other way :|
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.

Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P

Hit On

I went out with an old friend whose name I wont mention. But this guy used to have a thing for me, like really hard. But we hadn't talked in years, so when he messaged me to say hi, I figured he was just talking, bored maybe, whatever shooting the shit. It happens. But he asked me to hang with him, so I accepted, having nothing better to do.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.