The Bittersweet Return of Giovanni Donatello

I've started talking to Gio again. it was a little sudden. He re-requested my friendship on facebook, I accepted, wanting to know how he was, but mostly just wanting him to know that I was ready to be friends too. We didn't talk at all at first, but when we were both online it seemed like he posted a lot of statuses. Almost like he was trying to gather my attention the way we used to do when we broke up and remained facebook friends before.
Then the shit went down with Mark and we broke up for that three minute span of time, and Gio Instant messaged me to see if i was okay. I didn't answer. That is- until a couple days later.
I said thank you for messaging to find out if I was doing alright, and that I was sorry I didn't answer. He said it was fine and he just wondered because a mutual friend of ours told him that Mark seemed like he was really good for me. We talked a while, catching up with each other, Playing a bit of the "Hey, remember that time-?" game then we parted our online ways.
We've talked a few times since then. And sometimes I really miss him. Miss the way he understood me, the way we talked and laughed and were. And I'm happy that we're friends again and can joke and talk like old times. But at the same time it's a really sad experience because I know how strongly I felt for him, and I know that if anything ever happened where for some crazy reason we got back together, we'd never be the happiness we once were.

The Prank Call to a True Loser

After a short freak out on Thursday, and just wanting to drink coffee with Nora, I called her up, and we ended up going to a small diner in town, where we ate a lot of crap and drank coffee and talked and what not. And during our talk our exes came up. One in particular, my ex Jeremy. I can't really decipher between what was said last night and what was said Thursday night, so I'll just type the just of it.
Jeremy still does drugs and is getting into the more hardcore shit, he's a dealer got his own place, nearly went to jail for auto theft and driving without a license, he's practically a pedophile, 20 years old chasing 16-year-old pussy, not over me (Nora's words; her hunch) But doesn't want "anything" to do with me, though he confided in Joseph that he wishes we were still friends. Blah blah blah.
So, I broke up with the guy because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, and that is SO not my jam, my biological father left our family after I was born because he would have rather smoked pot than have something tangible to hold onto through thick and thin, I saw Jeremy the same way when he smoked pot, so I gave him an ultimatum, Pot or me, he chose me for a while, but reverted to what he knew, and I cut off our like..... 8/9 month relationship, I didn't care how much I loved him, I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. Now, we talked for a little while, but he always victimized himself, asking how i could just leave him like that, how i could do that to him when I'd told him i loved him blah blah blah, sob sob sob. I sound heartless, but I'm so fed up with that Mother right now, I can't even deal with it.
So as I talked to Nora, I said something about how funny it would be if I got into pot and what not, knowing fully well that I never would, and Nora suggested jokingly that I should go to him and ask if I could buy some off of him, after laughing at the look that would be on his face, we moved on, and as I felt feistier and feistier, I decided it would be a real riot to call him and ask.
After we left the diner, Nora texted out what to say, because she's much faster at it than I am, and handed me the phone. "Only send it if you really want to." I wished I was a little more impulsive, I worried that it would start drama and what not, and I would regret it. "Don't regret the things you do." Nora told me, "Everything has a purpose, there's a plan for you, and good or bad every mistake is part of it..." and she went into some really deep spiritual shit, as Nora is so good at, and ultimately the button was clicked and we started the fun. At first he texted back a simple "No." then he asked who it was, though we'd said it was me. We then said "oh, you've forgotten me already" and we got back a "Shit" then a whiny "well you forgot about me a long time ago" blah blah blah. Though we didn't get much sobby whinyness from him like I'd expected. But right after he sent "shit" Joseph called. Nora knew he'd been hanging out with Jeremy lately, and figured they were together at that moment. Nora answered after letting it ring and a lot of consideration, then talked to Joseph who "wasn't with Jeremy", but we knew better. He started texting us after that, saying he only called because his text wouldn't go through. We KNEW he was lying then! He hates talking on his phone, and his texting seemed to be working just fine after he got off the phone. Plus, upon texting him where we were and asking if he could come hang out, he said he was confined to his house, which is never and has never been true, and he'd used the same excuse on Jeremy once before. He was flat out lying to us. So then it was time to really get into it. It was supposed to be a short and funny prank between me, Nora, and Jeremy, but now that Joseph had lied, i had to bring out a whole new can of worms.
I was FURIOUS I mean, i get that Joseph doesn't have to tell us everything, but lying!? No fucking way was I gonna deal with that. I told Nora I wanted to call him out and tell him I knew he was a liar, but she said nothing made him more angry then being called a liar. So I opted out on that because I didn't want him to be angry, I just wanted to make him feel bad.
So I went along with what we told Jeremy when he asked why I wanted some weed. I'd had a bad day. So, being a good faker when it comes to crying on the phone, I called Joseph, and started pretending to sob. I told him that I'd had an awful day with Gio and that I just wanted him to be there with me, and I demanded to know why he couldn't come out and all this other stuff, and he was silent for a while. And somehow I knew he'd put me on speaker, like we'd done to him. Then Nora got on with him, and talked for a few seconds, in which time he said "well just put her to bed or something" though he sounded a little ashamed and sad. Good. The prankinng ended not long after that and Nora and I went home.
Yesterday she took me to dinner at a place that just got remodeled that her sister works at now,and the food and drinks were all complimentary. When we were coming back in town, Nora said something about wanting to go to a park, but Jeremy was at one with Joseph and one of his other friends. Shit. Well. I'd had too much Jeremy for one week and I was about fed up, we ended up having to go see him so we could pick up one of our girls who was tired and there and wanted to go home. I only caught a glimpse of him so that was all good.
But earlier, Nora told me that she'd seen him after the Prank, like Friday I think she said. And she told me that he kept telling her not to let me text him and that he didn't want anything to do with me, and how once I'd called him a loser, but I couldn't do that now.
Alright:
Jeremy- Deals drugs, apparently does Coke now, doesn't have a real job, dropped out of high school, isn't going to college, and will probably only go to jail in the future.... I don't see how he's not still a loser. But maybe its just me.

Last Chance

Friday. Yesterday. I got my last chance to give the bad B word a piece of my mind. Seniors got out of school Thursday, it was our last official day, but Friday we had to come in for a little while for Graduation rehearsal, right? Right.
He was there, of course, and I saw him a multitude of times and even stood next to him as I hugged, possibly for the last time, one of his goth-y little followers, Adrian. I've know Adrian for a while, and we love to talk, she's my cute little Gothypants :] But no matter what, she always seems to be around him, no matter how mean to her he is they're still friends for some ungodly reason, but who am I to say anything? Its not my place.

So, marching in and out of the cafeteria and the gymnasium and back and forth, I kept seeing him and blah blah blah. And When his name was called to the makeshift stage I kind of cringed a little, and when he walked past my row (I was on the aisle with my counter part Joseph in the opposite aisle, which I think is silly. We have the same last name, we should be right next to each other right?! But I digress.
Maybe it was just me, but he seemed to walk so close to me, and I felt like his eyes were on me as he passed, but I couldn't tell for sure because I was trying not to look at him, and very successfully so.

Then when rehearsal was over and we were all accumulating in the Lobby he stood there. Right there. Right were we used to sit near the end, right where I sit every morning, he was standing there, and he kept looking at me. I could have taken those moments to confront you, but I didn't... I don't know why, but I didn't.
Tomorrow is graduation. Do I muster the courage to give you a piece of my mind, or drop the subject all together?

Decisions, decisions.

Facebooking Records of the Bad 'B' Word

B- I practically stalk you on facebook, just so I can feel closer to you. I visit your FB almost every day, just to see if you've posted anything new, see what you're doing, or if you saw me, and cared to mention it. I keep hoping deep down that you will...
I remember the first time I looked at your profile, amongst the rubbish I saw:

"Just cleaned out my inbox and saw messages from an ex who i was madly in love with....:'-("

I wondered if you meant me, we used to email and stuff so much... and that was it, i came back nearly every day just to see if you posted anything new. If you mentioned me, if you thought of me, what you were doing and whatever else... then I saw:

"...cant get her to notice me. dis sucks guess ill move on. nothing else now"

And i decided you would never want me again, though I've stayed faithful to your FB and look at that status every time I went. The more I wondered who the girl you were talking about was, the more I hoped it was me, and the more I THOUGHT it was me.
I look at you/in your direction a lot when I walk into school. I know where you stand so well i can almost picture you there before I show up. You always seem to be looking to, or maybe its just me, but it always feels like you look back at me, like you wait to see me every morning, like i wait to see you.... I may not love you anymore, but my heart is still in your cruel hand, holding me back from really loving anyone else.... even Gio. I hate to say it, but sometimes I only feel like I'm pretending to love Gio...and that makes me so irrevocably sad.
B- Just get out of my heart.

Nora if you're reading this, dont get upset... & please don't tell Gio, I dont wanna hurt him anymore...

I Wonder....

The other day I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps before i fell behind. I wanted very much to hyperventilate or something, but I held my composure. I did very well considering that it was the closest I'd been to you in months and months... over a year now. Its been a while. I couldn't help but wonder in those few steps we took together, if you even noticed it was me who was next to you. I wondered if it bothered you, if you felt it somewhere in that deep cavern where your heart should be. I think about things like this all the time. I wonder if you ever think of me, the way I think of you, a sort of missing you without feeling missing. If that makes sense. I can think about you, and wish things could go back to how they used to be, wish it could just be happy again, and i could go back to something that was so comfortingly familiar i never stopped coming back, even when it hurt me.
I wonder if you miss me too, I wonder if you sit and wonder where I've gone, if you even notice the fact that I've been gone for two years, and I'm not coming back. So you think of me the way I think of you? Are you angry with me? Do you know how much you tossed around my emotions, do you know how different you made me, and not much for good. I wonder if you know that you killed that light inside me, the one that Nora says drew everyone towards me, the one that made me shine so bright and so happy.
While I was with you I was so emotional... Every day was a turbulent rollercoaster ride, and it was usually pretty scary. More times than not we'd freak out too badly to be able to handle the ride.. and we would leave eachother again.
Maybe you think that I hurt you maybe you were hurt just as bad as you hurt me... I might never know...
I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps. And the fear inside me from being so close to you drew me back, along with a the small crowd surrounding us. I want to talk to you. I want to know what happened. I just want to remember and understand... I wonder every day if you can bring back all my memories. If maybe I talked to you once, I'd remember it all.... I wonder if you're the only way I can come back from the dead....