Self Help. It works! I think....

I'm starting to frequently ask the internet advice about my issues, anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, *cough cough That's recent* and you can really come across great things nad great tips on how to overcome fears and jealousy and insecurity and love yourself because that's the root of the problem.
Like...  a few months ago I was again becoming very prone to panic attacks and they'd just wreck and exhaust me like they did when I was in my early years of high school. I couldn't deal, it was awful, something would plague my mind and suddenly I wasn't breathing. Or that's how it felt, everything around me was tight, like and elephant was sitting on me, and when I'd finally come out of it, I'd lay down and sleep hours away, and wake up more exhausted. Soooo I looked it up online, and I found some really great tips on how to calm myself when I feel it coming on.

So, having issues with insecurity lately, and KNOWING Mark would never do anything to hurt me, I've been looking up ways to overcome insecurity both in relationships and in general and I came across a really cool article; Here! Here! Right here! Click meeeee!!! And reading over it, I can start to see more hope for myself and my relationship with Mark, because I'm kind of very in love with him, and I refuse to talk about our separation over my anxiety and insecurity. We're practically perfect for each other, he calms me, I calm him, we fit. And that's not something you let go of.

"Here's the thing, Arielle. People aren't fucking butterflies." - Mark after I said our relationship is like a butterfly, if you let it go, and it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.

And we're not. So I have to stop pushing him away. He's mine, and I love him, and he loves me, thick and thin, and that's all that matters. I just want to better myself so we can both be happier.

Besides, what's this blog about anyways? Not just my life. Its about helping MYSELF and showing the process so maybe I can help others find their strength and pull themselves through their issues :]

Just a Word, But a Long Description

OneWord <3
I've been going back and forth from loving the site oneword to disliking it greatly when I have no comment on the word of the day. But this is what I have made...

Cells:

Cells, padded walls, thinking jail, just jail prison maybe crazy people. Padded rooms and strait jackets, staring out of the windows longing for sunlight, feeling the darkness, falling into the blackness, darkness, I see the light but I don’t know its hand, love from the sun, I wish for love from the sun.

Cigarette:

I’ve always been fascinated by the way smoke comes out of peoples mouths. I really like those time warp-type videos where smoke coils out from behind someone’s teeth in slow motion. I always hoped to look like that the first few times I smoked, but i only felt like an idiot, choking down the smoke that I was allergic to.

Band:

I used to write stories about bands. Not like…. About being in a band, but about girls who fall in love with boys in bands. I always felt that there was a lack of such things in modern literature. It’s always high school or vampires or werewolves and bullshit… Where’s the music?

Driving:

It’s that sleepy smile you get across your face while we’re driving together at night. Like you’re perfectly content to just keep driving me around. Happy to stay in one small place with me, share, laugh, and touch in the simplest ways. I’ll always love you for the small gifts you give me like that.

Deer:

I can remember it vaguely. Talking to the deer when i was younger. I remember saying hello, and asking how it was, and it just kept walking closer and closer, interested in this young human child talking to it. Maybe I spoke its language, maybe not, either way it was interested, I can remember reaching out to it until Grandpa’s beeper went off… Then he ran away. I could have made a new friend that day…

Missed:

I used to be under the impression that I missed you, and I suppose on some days I still do. But considering and looking at all the things I have now; beautiful things that keep my soul shining and my heart smiling. I know in my heart that I don’t miss you at all. You were evil and awful, and I couldn’t even think of wishing to see you again.

Sinking:

There’s a sinking feeling in my soul; in my bones when the evil tells me all the bad you could potentially do to me. I try not to listen; i try not to hear but the voices scream so loud its hard to tune them out. It feels like I’m falling into myself, like my ribs are caving down on my lungs crushing me, drowning me in my thoughts and sorrow. And then I see you, and i lift from the depths of my emotion, and resurface into your arms.

Umbrella:

I like those clear umbrellas. The ones you can look up in and watch the rain fall at your face, like its desperately trying to reach you, but just spilling off the sides and the perimeters of the umbrella you’re holding to stay dry. I especially like the polka dotted ones. Not because they’re useful but because they’re just fun. And I like that.

Ant:

I’ve never had the heart to kill bugs and things. I feel so awful taking any form of life…. like… I always feel like breaking the little bugs is like breaking a human and I feel so sick when I do it. I’m told that once when I was very small I stepped on an ant, and bent down to “kiss it better” even though it was dead. I felt so dreadful stepping on him, I can remember the little ache in my little innocent heart if I think hard enough.

19 and All the Other Ages Before

Yesterday was my 19th birthday. It was wonderful. I got Repo! The Genetic Opera from my mama, and the promise of books in the mail. Mark gave me three beautiful flowers that look and smell like sunshine, and a large delicious piece of chocolate cake with candles in the shape of a "1" and a "9". He lit them, I blew them out, and couldn't stop smiling. Everyone who saw or I told thought it was really sweet. I've decided that Mark is wonderful! haha! It really was a good birthday despite the fact that I didn't get much time to myself. It's all okay. Mama bought me food and stuffs from the coffee shop. I went in and they all yelled happy birthday, and told me my mom would pay for anything I got while I was there when she came in later that afternoon. It was the coolest thing! So that was super cool. Also I didn't have to deal with dad, which was also nice.
It never feels any different being technically a year older. In my English class we read an essay that said you're never just 19 or 12 or any other age, but all of the years that preceded this one. So not only am I 19, but also 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. I believe this essay was by an author that I'm not all so fond of, but she had a point. We don't always "act" our given number age, but sometimes all those before it. Makes sense. At least I think so.

Yellow Notebook

Recently for school I bought a bunch of new notebooks, and theres this one. A yellow, ordinary 1 subject, college ruled notebook, and something about it keeps it with me. I confide in it all of the thoughts I havent had time to type up on here. So the next series of posts will be from the past few weeks of certain things I've written in my notebook, including two from today.
Just wanted to explain why there were so many from today.

Party? I'll Pass

Gio mentioned again about his Grad party to me, which is on Saturday. And I'd declined and declined until today when he asked yet again. Why did I say no? His family will be there, and what if I have a breakdown or i get too nervous and too awkward, I'm not smart like them, I'm really not smart at all, I don't have the.... whatever it is that other people do that make them like me. People generally hear me talk, look me over, label me "Freak" and walk away. Right?
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.

Spinning 'Round

I'm thinking of a word. Its a dirty dirty word, but not in the conventional "society says its bad" kind of bad. I'm thinking of the bad 'B' word... I'm trying to remember. My head feels so full. It feels so cramped up in my skull that i kind of want to scream. I need to get out of here. I need to calm down, I can't get the spinning to stop. All of my thoughts cascading down and around and swirling into one another running, running, and jumping, and melding into each other. I think of him and this is what happens. I try to remember and I fall into thinking so much that I barely think at all. If I contradict myself so be it. You don't know how this feels unless you're like me. Like vomit in the skull. I have to get out of this mindset, out of my body. I wish there was a way to detach myself so far that I'm not the me I am. I have to get out of here.

Theft or Protection?

Laying in bed last night I remembered someone from Sophomore year.... She was a really good friend of mine, very flirty but shy and sweet. I knew her when I went out with the bad-'B'-word. (This is what he has been known as since the incident because I haven't the capacity to write or say his name without becoming a complete basket case, and any name but his own is too good for him as a "codename")
I remember talking to this friend of mine, (we'll call her Chi, because she loved reading the manga 'Chobits' and that was the first word I could Identify her with on the Chobits wikipedia page) So Chi and I would talk about all sorts of things, her sad struggle for happiness, the boys she was crushing on, my boyfriend.... who, at the time, I thought was a pretty great guy :| Age and love are fickle and cruel.
Most of the memories from when the relationship with me and the bad-'B'-word went sour are still jumbled, but I remember my first revelation. The first time I decided that there was no turning back. "He's an asshole" I would say to myself and everyone else, as if that changed anything. "I never wanna be with him again." Though I'm pretty sure now, that everyone knew better.
But that first revelation, it must have been the 18th breakup with us, and the longest. Chi started talking about how she'd always kinda had a crush on him. I don't remember if I warned her or told her good luck getting him. Though she'd never had trouble getting boys, she was blonde and nerdy (she loved Anime and Manga and Video games and things I couldnt even say, all of which I had no interest in, but he did) and she was absolutely beautiful to top, Bad-'B'-word's dream (most likely anyways). I could never compete against that. I'm a very plain looking girl, nothing about me is either beautiful or memorable. I'm just me, drifting through the seas of people like a spec of algae amongst shiny fish.
I remember hearing her say she was crushing on him, but nothing else. I dont remember the time that passed, between then and the part that happened after, but I remember she voiced her opinion about him, one that we had in common, though in my time away from him i wouldn't dare repeat.
I remember going to French class... I think it was morning, but I couldn't honestly say.I remember Chi's locker was right next to my french room. I can still see them together.... the image is almost burned into my memory. I don't remember what they were wearing, or their hairstyles at the time, but I remember their faces, meshing together, one of his hands on her waist, the other at her neck. I can see their lips and tongues dancing together, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
The boy I was dreadfully in love with, was kissing one of my best friends, not long after we broke up, and right in front of my eyes. In front of a class I'm not even sure he knew I had.
I remember holding back my rage as I "ooo"d at her as if to show that I was excited for her. I remember sitting down in class after she smiled so widely at me, brackets over pearly white teeth shining like no other.
And in those moments I felt so much rage and jealousy I scarcely knew how to contain myself.... and that's where it goes black again... All I remember is that after that me and him got back together, and I never asked her how she felt, and if I'd made her angry by doing that..... Everything else is black or there's so much life and color from one memory to another I can't distinguish them.... This is the only thing I've deciphered for a while....
I wonder if I thought I was stealing him from her.... or back from her maybe.... Or if I thought I was protecting her from what I knew he could do to her fragile heart.... I just don't know..... I'm not sure I ever will.

Word for Word Thoughts

So, one day in Journalism, when I had nothing to do, the teacher came in, in a particularly foul mood, and told everyone she better see us working or we would fail for the day. YIKES! So naturally everyone got off facebook, youtube, and whatever else, and opened up either word documents or InDesign and started working. Now... I couldn't work on anything because the events I was writing about hadn't even come up yet. I didn't want to fail for the day, so I started writing all my thoughts down, and eventually decided to give them to Gio.
This was a few months ago, so Gio'd kept my thoughts for a while, and recently he pulled them out of nowhere with a big smile on his face. After telling my friend Amy about the incident and she insisted on reading it, and when she finished she decided it was cute and funny (for some crazy reason) and that I had to put it in the blog, but Sorry, Amy-bear. I'm not doing it (right now anyways :P) :| It was like a page and a half worth of all the thoughts that came into my head in like 15 minuted O.o too much. Just too much.
But honestly, has anyone else been that bored or done something crazy like that just to escape failing? Or am I just a psycho O.o

Honestly I had something better to write today, but I can't remember what it was. Must not have been that important :{P <--MUSTACHE SMILEY!

Selfish or Saintly?

I woke up thinking less about the crap that's happened, and more about the selfishness I've carried for the past four years or more. Is it just adding to my selfishness to have a blog? A place I can go to talk more and more about myself? And is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? There is always a certain degree of egocentrism when you're trying to "find yourself" and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I've felt lost for four years, and I think it's time to relocate the girl I used to be, have a chat with her, spot the differences and similarities and figure myself out.
I hope that isn't too self-centered of me. I feel like I spend much too much time as it is thinking about myself and disregarding the feelings and thoughts of the people around me, the people I love.
I'm excruciatingly glad, though, that they've stayed with me so long, through thick and thin, they're true friends. They know my tendencies to be a little of the bad kind of crazy, and I know I've probably hurt them more times than I've acknowledged, but they still seem to love me, that's a beautiful thing.
Maybe this is a good thing, I'm deterring the issues from them to the internet. Oh how this could backfire. But I'm saving them from the miseries and woes of being around the crazy-psychotic part of me. I think that's the way I'll look at it.
Note to self:
Don't forget to think more of them.