A Letter to Mark (that I'll probably never send)

I initially typed it out on facebook.... But... I couldn't hit the send button. It all comes from an incident yesterday when we were laying together and I mentioned that today (the 12) would be the day that I said I'd be Mark's girlfriend 4 months ago. Technically its been 5 months because a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend I told him we could be exclusive. Meaning, I wasn't going to see anyone but him...

"I would have texted you this but its so much less time consuming and easier for my fingers to say what I want this way anyways. Plus this means I don't have to send you like.... 40 texts and wake your silly butt up and all that jazz.... I hope you don't see this while I'm around... Or maybe its better that you do? I'm really not sure, but I know that you may not get this right away... And that's alright, because I feel it right now, I don't believe that it's going to change, and that's all that matters.
5 months. Technically. that's not a bad thing at all I don't want you to think that I think its a bad thing... Does that make sense? I mean... Technically its 5, though I know I only agreed to be your girlfriend 4 months ago, but one month before that I stopped seeing everyone else so I could be with you.
When I first realized that I was happy you know? Like... Wow... its been 5 months and it seems like such a short time that we've been together. Then I thought of my routine of coming to see you on Saturday mornings (that hasn't been happening lately but whatever) And how I come to see you on Monday. then again on Tuesday, and once more still on Wednesday. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other and that isn't what this is about. But I thought again of the Word "Routine" then I heard someone from my past say "Boring" in my head. And I asked myself, "Am I happy? Is this 'routine' healthy?" And I got scared because suddenly I couldn't remember. Like... I knew I was and I know I AM happy with you and I like what we do and how we are. So that's not really the point. And the Healthy question was more of something from the past I realize because I've sectioned myself off to one person before and I couldn't tell if maybe I was doing it again... But.... I don't really know where this is going anymore so Ima tell you the rest of it.
Anyways.... So... I thought of the number 5 and its significance and the fact that its one small skip away from 6, and 6 months... that's half a year. Thats where my "Thats a long time" came from. Because all these thoughts rushed me, and I realized that 6 is half of 12 (silly I know but stick with me here okay?) 12 is one year.... an entire year. And that seems so ungodly scary to me, and when I realized it (a very quick thing it was) My stomach just dropped, like its doing now... And I started to worry. I just thought 5 months is one off of half a year and that much closer to an unpredictable time when you feel that stupid L word and end up saying it. I don't want you to. I can't help it I know I told you I'd try to.... I dunno... Deal with it? Nah, that sounds to harsh... Like... I really hope you know what I mean.... But it scares the ever living shit out of me. I like the way things are right now, I don't want anything to confuse or derail it. I don't want you to end up making me feel anymore than..... well... anymore than I have to and then go. And I know you're not everyone else, believe me the contrasts are through the roof on that one.... But I mean... Does this make ANY sense to you? I really hope it does and you're like... not angry or something.... :/ I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking.... What I AM thinking...."

A Letter to Gio

Gio,
Its okay if you don't love me anymore. Really, I understand. I wouldn't love me either. It was really nice of you to pretend for me, though I'm really not sure why you did, or why you have. Its been over a week since you last said you loved me, even though we've seen each other or talked every day.. No... I take that back, You said it the other day, but it was more of a "I guess I'll say this and see if it finally makes you happy" seeing as I was in another funk. It was really nice of you to say it the way you did when you first said it... I was so happy you did. But i understand that you couldn't love me then, and you probably never will. It was really sweet to say it though... Thanks for trying? I guess.... I don't know what to say to you.... Just... That I wish it was you who would be the first to mean it when you said you loved me.
I guess wishes just need to stay in dreams where they belong. Right?
Love, Yours Truly, Sincerely,
Arielle

Theft or Protection?

Laying in bed last night I remembered someone from Sophomore year.... She was a really good friend of mine, very flirty but shy and sweet. I knew her when I went out with the bad-'B'-word. (This is what he has been known as since the incident because I haven't the capacity to write or say his name without becoming a complete basket case, and any name but his own is too good for him as a "codename")
I remember talking to this friend of mine, (we'll call her Chi, because she loved reading the manga 'Chobits' and that was the first word I could Identify her with on the Chobits wikipedia page) So Chi and I would talk about all sorts of things, her sad struggle for happiness, the boys she was crushing on, my boyfriend.... who, at the time, I thought was a pretty great guy :| Age and love are fickle and cruel.
Most of the memories from when the relationship with me and the bad-'B'-word went sour are still jumbled, but I remember my first revelation. The first time I decided that there was no turning back. "He's an asshole" I would say to myself and everyone else, as if that changed anything. "I never wanna be with him again." Though I'm pretty sure now, that everyone knew better.
But that first revelation, it must have been the 18th breakup with us, and the longest. Chi started talking about how she'd always kinda had a crush on him. I don't remember if I warned her or told her good luck getting him. Though she'd never had trouble getting boys, she was blonde and nerdy (she loved Anime and Manga and Video games and things I couldnt even say, all of which I had no interest in, but he did) and she was absolutely beautiful to top, Bad-'B'-word's dream (most likely anyways). I could never compete against that. I'm a very plain looking girl, nothing about me is either beautiful or memorable. I'm just me, drifting through the seas of people like a spec of algae amongst shiny fish.
I remember hearing her say she was crushing on him, but nothing else. I dont remember the time that passed, between then and the part that happened after, but I remember she voiced her opinion about him, one that we had in common, though in my time away from him i wouldn't dare repeat.
I remember going to French class... I think it was morning, but I couldn't honestly say.I remember Chi's locker was right next to my french room. I can still see them together.... the image is almost burned into my memory. I don't remember what they were wearing, or their hairstyles at the time, but I remember their faces, meshing together, one of his hands on her waist, the other at her neck. I can see their lips and tongues dancing together, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
The boy I was dreadfully in love with, was kissing one of my best friends, not long after we broke up, and right in front of my eyes. In front of a class I'm not even sure he knew I had.
I remember holding back my rage as I "ooo"d at her as if to show that I was excited for her. I remember sitting down in class after she smiled so widely at me, brackets over pearly white teeth shining like no other.
And in those moments I felt so much rage and jealousy I scarcely knew how to contain myself.... and that's where it goes black again... All I remember is that after that me and him got back together, and I never asked her how she felt, and if I'd made her angry by doing that..... Everything else is black or there's so much life and color from one memory to another I can't distinguish them.... This is the only thing I've deciphered for a while....
I wonder if I thought I was stealing him from her.... or back from her maybe.... Or if I thought I was protecting her from what I knew he could do to her fragile heart.... I just don't know..... I'm not sure I ever will.

Selfish or Saintly?

I woke up thinking less about the crap that's happened, and more about the selfishness I've carried for the past four years or more. Is it just adding to my selfishness to have a blog? A place I can go to talk more and more about myself? And is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? There is always a certain degree of egocentrism when you're trying to "find yourself" and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I've felt lost for four years, and I think it's time to relocate the girl I used to be, have a chat with her, spot the differences and similarities and figure myself out.
I hope that isn't too self-centered of me. I feel like I spend much too much time as it is thinking about myself and disregarding the feelings and thoughts of the people around me, the people I love.
I'm excruciatingly glad, though, that they've stayed with me so long, through thick and thin, they're true friends. They know my tendencies to be a little of the bad kind of crazy, and I know I've probably hurt them more times than I've acknowledged, but they still seem to love me, that's a beautiful thing.
Maybe this is a good thing, I'm deterring the issues from them to the internet. Oh how this could backfire. But I'm saving them from the miseries and woes of being around the crazy-psychotic part of me. I think that's the way I'll look at it.
Note to self:
Don't forget to think more of them.