Off She Goes

Nora left yesterday. It was a day I've been dreading for longer than I like to think. She'd known she was going to move to Tennessee for quite some time now, but I guess I was just waiting for her to end up staying anyways. But as the time grew closer and closer for her departure, it became more and more real, and I cried sometimes, but tried to stay positive, though when Joseph decided to be a nut-tard, everything got so much harder to bare. Everything is fine with us now, we've seen each other a few times since the incidents I guess. Which is good.
But it seemed like everything went too fast and Nora seemed to run away in a sense. First they sold the house, her parents left, she stayed with me for a couple days, then she stayed at the her boss's house in what is called the crib which is a small house in a garage, and now she's gone. I feel like we didn't spend even a quarter of as much time together as we should have. I feel like I took her for granted all these years. Like I didn't care enough while she was here, I just figured, hey, she'll always be here, why worry? But now I have to worry because me and my best friend can't just go out for coffee and a chat anymore, no sleepovers, no just hanging around, no memories to share, only memories to tell one another. I'm so afraid that this will mean we'll lose touch and never see each other again, and slowly fade into each others memories. And I will try my hardest to make sure we stay close, She has been my everything forever, and I'm not going to give that up easily.
She gave me her hope when she left, though. She had a bracelet that she always wore that said "Hope" on it, and she said "my hope is yours now. I live by it and you should too" and I liked that. It made me feel a tiny smidge happier knowing that I had one more sentimental thing of hers to keep. I just wish I had given more to her.
So Nora is gone now, and all she left was teary lakes full of memories, love, and hope. I just wish I could keep her will all of that too.
But I'll see you soon, Nora. Even though I couldn't help you move in, I will come to visit, and we'll have coffee and talk and walk around and be silly just like always. I love you, Nora. You're the best friend a crazy girl could ask for. <3

Saying Goodbye Part 2

As we got closer and closer to the funeral home, my heart started to race. I started getting anxious and wanting to tell Nora to turn around and that I didn't want to go. But I never opened my mouth to say any of those things, so we found a lonely parking space, and walked in with some of the friends or family who knew her. I saw a few people I knew, and met Micki's Mamaw, who seemed a kind old woman. It took a little while for me to get through the door, but I followed a crying woman eventually, signed the guest book, took one of Micki's cards and moved into the main room. Seeing her on the other side of the room, still as can be made my eyes well up. I knew I would cry, and was surprised that I hadn't when I got out of the car. But I'd held strong til that moment. I stood in the middle of an aisle, just staring, crying, turning away, then looking back again. One of her friends came up to me, her face red and soaked with tears. We pulled each other into a hug. This girl was one of Micki's best friends, and was with her the night she died. She said that she was sorry, and I couldn't say anything back, she then told me that Micki absolutely loved me, and that she talked about me all the time. I started to cry a little harder and the girl pulled me back into a hug until she said she had to go find her mother. I was ashamed that I couldn't say anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've apologized to her since then. She said it was alright, and she meant what she said. That was a bittersweet feeling.
It took a long time to get up towards the front after that. But when I saw a mutual friend of ours who had journalism with us and was part of our tight-knit group of 4. I went up to her for a hug, then when she went to see Micki's mom, Nora asked me if I wanted to go too, and I agreed because I knew I wouldn't get myself up there alone. Her mother cried and cried. It seemed like every person who came to give her their condolences was like hearing her daughter had died all over again. She sobbed the whole time I was there. I felt so awful for her. Next came Micki.
Seeing her in her pretty coffin, laying with her headphones a pink leopard stuffed animal, and various bracelets laced around her little wrists, just made it all the more difficult. It ached in every part of me to see such a lively and vibrant girl so still, to know that she would never grace the company of the room with her presence again, and that she wouldn't be there to make any of us smile...ever....
We stayed for a while, I was again stuck in the back, wishing that I could get off of my numb butt, and let my feet carry me over to her to say my final goodbye. Lots of people came and went from her coffin, and I stayed, Nora holding tight to my hand and shoulder, waiting for my decision, very patiently. I am very thankful she did, I know how funerals and such make her feel. And I'm so glad she stayed with me. After a while I choked out that I was waiting for the last couple people by her coffin to go, then I wanted to say goodbye and we could go. She helped me stand when it came time, and waited behind me while I went up to her coffin alone, and told her I loved her, I missed her already, and said my final, whisper-sobbed, tearful goodbye. When I was ready as I was going to be I turned, and Nora lead me back out to her car. She then bought me ice cream, and shared a memory of Micki she had. It was just one, but she didn't know her well, though she knew how special she was to me and wanted to cheer me up.

Poetry-like for the moment:
The moon watched as the sun buried its competition behind a pair of bright headlights. R.I.P. Micki. You will be remembered always.

Saying Goodbye

Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter.
I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today.
I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real.
I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her.
I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive.
I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....

Micki

On the 17th a dear friend to me was struck by a car not far from here, and killed at about 9 o'clock, she was pronounced dead on the scene. She was only 15 years old.
The initial shock when I found out yesterday made me scream and cry and shout "No! No! No!" But honestly there was no amount of words that could bring her back.
Now, I had only known this precious girl since the beginning of my senior year, she was in Journalism with me after about the first week, she was one of two Freshman in the class, also making her one of the youngest members of the school paper's staff. I don't remember when we first talked, or what we said to each other, but I remember she was sweet and full of life, she just seemed so excited just to BE, and the silly girl had a thing for socks, ever new pair she got she had to show them off, it was the funniest damn thing you could ever see.
After spending only about an hour every day talking to her I began to realize, that my past was her present. She was almost exactly how I was when I was a freshman. We had a few differences of course, she was a tad crazier (meaning in a fun way) than me, and 2x as outgoing. She had a light inside her that touched everyone around her, she was....amazing really.
No tears come when I think of her now, I feel very devastated by the situation, but I can't imagine how her family and best friends feel about it, including the girl who was with her during the incident. Losing someone so precious after only being able to have her for 15 years must be 100x worse than anything I may feel right now, or last night or even when I found out. I hope that somehow I can get a message out to them that I'm sending condolences, and I know that I'll figure out a way.
Micki was a precious girl, there's no other way to explain her, she was very special, and bright, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see her smiling. It seems like this all went too fast... Like, now you see her now you don't. First your hugging her goodbye at school, the last time you see her, not knowing you would never see her again, and now she's dead.
There. I typed it, its true now. Micki is dead. It seems impossible, but she is. Now comes the confusion, where I am and have been since I calmed down from crying last night. I know what death is, I know what death means, but any connotation of that word added next to her name seems impossible. How a girl who was never able to just sit still, which made her beautiful and fun, how she has to stay still now forever seems impossible. Simply impossible, like, they must have made a mistake, she could never die. She wasn't supposed to die yet, she was supposed to die old and happy and warm in her bed when she's like... 90 okay? That was how it was supposed to go. But it didn't. I guess I keep waiting for her to log into facebook and see that all her friends said "rest in peace" and "i'll miss you" and "I love you" and she'll just be confused, and reply to everyone like "What's going on you guys? I'm only in Kentucky!" Because that's where she's from. She was so excited on Wednesday because she was going home for the summer. She was so excited. She was supposed to go there today....
Rest in Peace Micki. Guess this makes you a real angel now.

This is a video a couple of her close friends made for her:
You don't have to watch the whole thing, the last couple minutes are a montage of Micki. I love and miss her, and this made me cry a little.

JoeJoe Rickyleheim: Whats on my mind

Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow?
Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/
Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust.
Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?

Stevo & Bob:

The Prank Call to a True Loser

After a short freak out on Thursday, and just wanting to drink coffee with Nora, I called her up, and we ended up going to a small diner in town, where we ate a lot of crap and drank coffee and talked and what not. And during our talk our exes came up. One in particular, my ex Jeremy. I can't really decipher between what was said last night and what was said Thursday night, so I'll just type the just of it.
Jeremy still does drugs and is getting into the more hardcore shit, he's a dealer got his own place, nearly went to jail for auto theft and driving without a license, he's practically a pedophile, 20 years old chasing 16-year-old pussy, not over me (Nora's words; her hunch) But doesn't want "anything" to do with me, though he confided in Joseph that he wishes we were still friends. Blah blah blah.
So, I broke up with the guy because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, and that is SO not my jam, my biological father left our family after I was born because he would have rather smoked pot than have something tangible to hold onto through thick and thin, I saw Jeremy the same way when he smoked pot, so I gave him an ultimatum, Pot or me, he chose me for a while, but reverted to what he knew, and I cut off our like..... 8/9 month relationship, I didn't care how much I loved him, I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. Now, we talked for a little while, but he always victimized himself, asking how i could just leave him like that, how i could do that to him when I'd told him i loved him blah blah blah, sob sob sob. I sound heartless, but I'm so fed up with that Mother right now, I can't even deal with it.
So as I talked to Nora, I said something about how funny it would be if I got into pot and what not, knowing fully well that I never would, and Nora suggested jokingly that I should go to him and ask if I could buy some off of him, after laughing at the look that would be on his face, we moved on, and as I felt feistier and feistier, I decided it would be a real riot to call him and ask.
After we left the diner, Nora texted out what to say, because she's much faster at it than I am, and handed me the phone. "Only send it if you really want to." I wished I was a little more impulsive, I worried that it would start drama and what not, and I would regret it. "Don't regret the things you do." Nora told me, "Everything has a purpose, there's a plan for you, and good or bad every mistake is part of it..." and she went into some really deep spiritual shit, as Nora is so good at, and ultimately the button was clicked and we started the fun. At first he texted back a simple "No." then he asked who it was, though we'd said it was me. We then said "oh, you've forgotten me already" and we got back a "Shit" then a whiny "well you forgot about me a long time ago" blah blah blah. Though we didn't get much sobby whinyness from him like I'd expected. But right after he sent "shit" Joseph called. Nora knew he'd been hanging out with Jeremy lately, and figured they were together at that moment. Nora answered after letting it ring and a lot of consideration, then talked to Joseph who "wasn't with Jeremy", but we knew better. He started texting us after that, saying he only called because his text wouldn't go through. We KNEW he was lying then! He hates talking on his phone, and his texting seemed to be working just fine after he got off the phone. Plus, upon texting him where we were and asking if he could come hang out, he said he was confined to his house, which is never and has never been true, and he'd used the same excuse on Jeremy once before. He was flat out lying to us. So then it was time to really get into it. It was supposed to be a short and funny prank between me, Nora, and Jeremy, but now that Joseph had lied, i had to bring out a whole new can of worms.
I was FURIOUS I mean, i get that Joseph doesn't have to tell us everything, but lying!? No fucking way was I gonna deal with that. I told Nora I wanted to call him out and tell him I knew he was a liar, but she said nothing made him more angry then being called a liar. So I opted out on that because I didn't want him to be angry, I just wanted to make him feel bad.
So I went along with what we told Jeremy when he asked why I wanted some weed. I'd had a bad day. So, being a good faker when it comes to crying on the phone, I called Joseph, and started pretending to sob. I told him that I'd had an awful day with Gio and that I just wanted him to be there with me, and I demanded to know why he couldn't come out and all this other stuff, and he was silent for a while. And somehow I knew he'd put me on speaker, like we'd done to him. Then Nora got on with him, and talked for a few seconds, in which time he said "well just put her to bed or something" though he sounded a little ashamed and sad. Good. The prankinng ended not long after that and Nora and I went home.
Yesterday she took me to dinner at a place that just got remodeled that her sister works at now,and the food and drinks were all complimentary. When we were coming back in town, Nora said something about wanting to go to a park, but Jeremy was at one with Joseph and one of his other friends. Shit. Well. I'd had too much Jeremy for one week and I was about fed up, we ended up having to go see him so we could pick up one of our girls who was tired and there and wanted to go home. I only caught a glimpse of him so that was all good.
But earlier, Nora told me that she'd seen him after the Prank, like Friday I think she said. And she told me that he kept telling her not to let me text him and that he didn't want anything to do with me, and how once I'd called him a loser, but I couldn't do that now.
Alright:
Jeremy- Deals drugs, apparently does Coke now, doesn't have a real job, dropped out of high school, isn't going to college, and will probably only go to jail in the future.... I don't see how he's not still a loser. But maybe its just me.

I Was the Only One Who Was Missing

I'd gotten fed up. I went to bed sobbing up a storm, it had to stop! This Gio-hates-me-mania was really getting the best of my fragile emotions. So I called Nora, told her I was calling Gio, and I would put it to him straight. After a short pep talk, I dialed his number and listened shakily as it rang through, I'd only just gotten off the phone with him, a conversation in which I was trying to sport better feelings, though failing. He said it was okay, and he had all the time in the world until I wanted to talk about what was wrong, and that it was sort of comforting to just be on the phone. Or something along those lines. But a second later he said he was going to go. That's why I cried.
So anyways, Gio answered with yet another sad "Hello" and I told him that I wanted him to answer me straight. I said I didn't want any shit, I wanted a simple yes or no answer, and he must have known what I was going to ask, because his answer came lightning fast, I barely got my sobby "Do you want to be with me anymore?" out before he said "Yes" He was honest, I could hear it in his tone, but I asked him if he needed to think it over anymore. He said no to that. It didn't make sense to me! I was confused. I'm so used to feeling like guys just simply don't want me anymore because I'm crazy and undesirable. So I told him I didn't get it. Then I asked if he was only with me for comfort or if he just wanted to be with me. That took him a while. He chose comfort. I choked a little, it made sense, but Nora doesn't think that he meant just plain comfort, she decided it meant he was confused and meant that he wanted to be with me, and it was comfortable to be with me. Whatever Nora. :P
So he then proceeded to tell me that He liked being with me, he looked forward to watching movies with me, and when he got news he didn't see himself telling anyone first except me. That felt nice to hear. :]
So we were left wondering where we went wrong, and taking notice that both of us had been attempting to examine the situation. "we got tired of each other." he said, "there was so much passion when we started, and we spent so much time together" and I finished with "It just fizzled out." I then wondered if we could fix it. Gio said that he hoped we could but he admitted that he didn't know how. I thought that maybe we could start over, but so much time and effort and tears have passed we decided that wasn't going to happen. 9 months is a long time take away to begin again. So we decided that we would do something spontaneous and fun by my suggestion. Gio came up with a whole slew of fun ideas, but we ended up only doing two of them, and very half assed. But it's all good.
We attempted yet another puzzle together, big mistake, we got bored fast, I'd given up way before him because I couldn't stop savoring the thoughts of being with him happily again, and I was filled with too much love to think of anything else really. So we went and watched Silence of the Lambs because I'd never seen it before. He quoted Hannibal Lector pretty much perfectly, and I was informed of things that would happen before they did, thats what its like to watch movies with Gio. But it was okay, it just made things less creepy and more funny, like the way he said, "He's gotta tuck that junk back." when the Buffalo Bill guy was dancing in front of his camera.
Life was good in his arms, and I realized suddenly there, that I didn't miss him, he missed me. The whole time I was thinking that he'd changed and as I sort of blamed him for as a main reason our relationship was starting to fail, "he was changing so it made me sad and difficult blah blah blah I'm a dirty liar". I looked up at him in the dim flickering light of the tiny bedside TV and when he looked back, I saw in his eyes it was true. I'd changed yet again, and I'd gone away, that's why things changed, I beat myself into thinking all the wrong things. But his eyes were forgiving, and I apologized and told him that I realized he was there all along and he'd never gone anywhere. Of course he didn't understand my cryptic message, but accepted none the less. He's always been so patient with me. When the movie was over we went to the park and even though got eaten by mosquitoes, we talked and bonded all the same. It's nice to be good around him again, I'm glad the real me is back and I hope I stay for a lot longer this time.

Your Hair

Giovanni,
I wonder if you see how much I miss you? How much I love you? Do you see it at all anymore? Lately it seems like you just don't care anymore, like you just want to get away from me when we're together, which hasn't been much for a while. You were going to come over Tuesday, but I said you couldn't because my dad would be home all week. Monday went the same, your dad took your truck and you were stranded at your abode. That was all well and good... But you never supplied an alternative. Its not all your fault, I never tried to think of anything else either, but, I mean... I guess I might have felt a little more secure in our relationship if I knew you even wanted to see me at all. Now I'm not blaming you, babe. I promise you that. This relationship is 50/50 and its my fault too. It just seemed like you didn't care... and that burned.
Your hair reminds me of last summer, when it was short like that. When everything was new and exciting and we'd do anything in our power to be near each other, hold hands, anything. And now look at us. We're.... Unhappy. Plain and simple. And you can't HONESTLY tell me that you're happy like this. If you do then you're a liar.
It was unnecessarily long pauses at stop signs to kiss, talking for hours in your car, making up words when we got nervous and tongue tied, all the nights we spent on dates that didn't always go the way you'd planned, and only pretending to watch movies while we talked and laughed and kissed. Those little things hat made me fall in love with you. Honestly, Gio, the moment we first kissed I knew I'd be in love with you. It took months and months to admit it, but I knew that we'd be in love. And even though I'm so opposed to that word sometimes, t he thought, scratch that, the knowledge that someone like you would love me made me SO happy. Every little bit of me was warmed by that sunset-pretty anticipation. I think that's what kept me going for so long. That night you said it was over, I've completely forgotten why I was upset in the first place, but ultimately, I was trying to push you away. Despite my opposition, I wanted you to tell me that you loved me, and I wanted to know you meant it like you were supposed to when you said it. The week or so before you broke up with me I was plagued. The thoughts that began our relationship weren't coming true. You hadn't said it, and I was starting to believe that you never would. Maybe you don't really, and maybe you never will. Maybe you only said it to appease me. I don't know. But I guess I was beginning to panic because I realized that NO ONE would love me. I mean, maybe "B" was right. I was lucky he loved me, because no one else would, so I pushed you away, not wanting to get hurt. Or started pushing anyways. I loved you, I had for a long while, and I knew you'd never love me back, I didn't want to get hurt again, and you were beginning to hurt me. Granted the breakup only lasted a short while, the freedom was bitter sweet. I loved you and wanted to keep you, but I wanted the both of us to be happy.
Your hair reminds me of happiness. All of these memories of us are dancing around in my head, in spastic and sometimes pretty circles, and I compare them to us now, and I wonder if you still care or if you're just going through the motions. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in. Are we staying out of comfort? I know I'm not. I LOVE you still. But do you want to stay together? Do you love me at all, Gio? If you do... Where are you? I miss you.

I'd Rather Be Drugged than Crazy

Am I insane? They tell me that I'm not, Its just hormones, its just insecurity, its part of growing up. Goddammit I'm 18 years old! I should be finished growing up! And yet my moods are still swinging back and forth between calm and spastic and spastic to depressed and depressed to calm and back and forth to and fro... I can't take it.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so disconnected with everyone. I dont want to talk to anyone... But I want to stop feeling alone.
But again, I dont want to talk to anyone. I'm so sick of making people miserable. And I do. I make people SO miserable. I make them so sad, because they just dont understand how my head works, and that when I say mean things i don't do it on purpose. I know i shouldn't say it, and it'll jeopardize the future relationship, but.... I can't help it, and say it anyways.
I wish I could be on some sort of drug sometimes.... Days like this I mean. Because I'd rather be a doped up zombie than that crazy girl with no friends.

Party? I'll Pass

Gio mentioned again about his Grad party to me, which is on Saturday. And I'd declined and declined until today when he asked yet again. Why did I say no? His family will be there, and what if I have a breakdown or i get too nervous and too awkward, I'm not smart like them, I'm really not smart at all, I don't have the.... whatever it is that other people do that make them like me. People generally hear me talk, look me over, label me "Freak" and walk away. Right?
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.

Last Chance

Friday. Yesterday. I got my last chance to give the bad B word a piece of my mind. Seniors got out of school Thursday, it was our last official day, but Friday we had to come in for a little while for Graduation rehearsal, right? Right.
He was there, of course, and I saw him a multitude of times and even stood next to him as I hugged, possibly for the last time, one of his goth-y little followers, Adrian. I've know Adrian for a while, and we love to talk, she's my cute little Gothypants :] But no matter what, she always seems to be around him, no matter how mean to her he is they're still friends for some ungodly reason, but who am I to say anything? Its not my place.

So, marching in and out of the cafeteria and the gymnasium and back and forth, I kept seeing him and blah blah blah. And When his name was called to the makeshift stage I kind of cringed a little, and when he walked past my row (I was on the aisle with my counter part Joseph in the opposite aisle, which I think is silly. We have the same last name, we should be right next to each other right?! But I digress.
Maybe it was just me, but he seemed to walk so close to me, and I felt like his eyes were on me as he passed, but I couldn't tell for sure because I was trying not to look at him, and very successfully so.

Then when rehearsal was over and we were all accumulating in the Lobby he stood there. Right there. Right were we used to sit near the end, right where I sit every morning, he was standing there, and he kept looking at me. I could have taken those moments to confront you, but I didn't... I don't know why, but I didn't.
Tomorrow is graduation. Do I muster the courage to give you a piece of my mind, or drop the subject all together?

Decisions, decisions.