Not the Only One Wanted

Sometimes when I'm in relationships it feels like I'm not the only one the guy wants. I may be one of those people, but it seems like his eye may be on more than one other person, when I really just want it to be on me. Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel so much of it right now.

A Letter to Mark (that I'll probably never send)

I initially typed it out on facebook.... But... I couldn't hit the send button. It all comes from an incident yesterday when we were laying together and I mentioned that today (the 12) would be the day that I said I'd be Mark's girlfriend 4 months ago. Technically its been 5 months because a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend I told him we could be exclusive. Meaning, I wasn't going to see anyone but him...

"I would have texted you this but its so much less time consuming and easier for my fingers to say what I want this way anyways. Plus this means I don't have to send you like.... 40 texts and wake your silly butt up and all that jazz.... I hope you don't see this while I'm around... Or maybe its better that you do? I'm really not sure, but I know that you may not get this right away... And that's alright, because I feel it right now, I don't believe that it's going to change, and that's all that matters.
5 months. Technically. that's not a bad thing at all I don't want you to think that I think its a bad thing... Does that make sense? I mean... Technically its 5, though I know I only agreed to be your girlfriend 4 months ago, but one month before that I stopped seeing everyone else so I could be with you.
When I first realized that I was happy you know? Like... Wow... its been 5 months and it seems like such a short time that we've been together. Then I thought of my routine of coming to see you on Saturday mornings (that hasn't been happening lately but whatever) And how I come to see you on Monday. then again on Tuesday, and once more still on Wednesday. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other and that isn't what this is about. But I thought again of the Word "Routine" then I heard someone from my past say "Boring" in my head. And I asked myself, "Am I happy? Is this 'routine' healthy?" And I got scared because suddenly I couldn't remember. Like... I knew I was and I know I AM happy with you and I like what we do and how we are. So that's not really the point. And the Healthy question was more of something from the past I realize because I've sectioned myself off to one person before and I couldn't tell if maybe I was doing it again... But.... I don't really know where this is going anymore so Ima tell you the rest of it.
Anyways.... So... I thought of the number 5 and its significance and the fact that its one small skip away from 6, and 6 months... that's half a year. Thats where my "Thats a long time" came from. Because all these thoughts rushed me, and I realized that 6 is half of 12 (silly I know but stick with me here okay?) 12 is one year.... an entire year. And that seems so ungodly scary to me, and when I realized it (a very quick thing it was) My stomach just dropped, like its doing now... And I started to worry. I just thought 5 months is one off of half a year and that much closer to an unpredictable time when you feel that stupid L word and end up saying it. I don't want you to. I can't help it I know I told you I'd try to.... I dunno... Deal with it? Nah, that sounds to harsh... Like... I really hope you know what I mean.... But it scares the ever living shit out of me. I like the way things are right now, I don't want anything to confuse or derail it. I don't want you to end up making me feel anymore than..... well... anymore than I have to and then go. And I know you're not everyone else, believe me the contrasts are through the roof on that one.... But I mean... Does this make ANY sense to you? I really hope it does and you're like... not angry or something.... :/ I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking.... What I AM thinking...."