Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Nothing to Report

There's really nothing I've got to say lately. All the feelings I've had have been repeats of prior postings, and I hate writing it twice.
Im in a funk at Mark right now, but he's a persistent little bastard and hasn't let it get to him.
I know I've been rude and really pissy towards him but I can't stop. I keep trying to push and shove and detatch myself.
I keep thinking, "he wants to keep me, but I don't want to be kept." and its true.
I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, I'm only 19 years old.
He said something last night about how he understood that I wasn't quite old enough to cherish companionship. And I finally mentioned to him that he's not, all-knowing or as weathered in life as he likes to think he is. Which of course he disagreed with, so I made a :| face at him and walked away from the situation.
Acting like this to him made me wonder why he didn't give up.
So I asked, if he knew why he put up with me.
He said something along the lines of "Its because I know the real Arielle, and your pissy moments aren't THAT bad."
I yelled at him after that saying I didn't really care why, i just wanted to know if he knew, because I'd been under the impression he didn't for some reason.
Anyways.... Thats kinda what's been going on.
Otherwise it's school, work, parents got home from vacation, school, school, finding time to hang out with my friends, etc. All very boring.

Replacing Nora. Well, Sort of.

"Then: Imogene
I didn't realize how much I'd missed Maxine until she finally got back and showed up at my front door on the first Saturday in August. No, that's not true. I'd missed her terribly and knew it the whole time she was gone. I'd tried not to think about it. Maybe I was her first best friend, but she was mine, too. Not having her around to talk to every day was like having a black hole in the middle of my life..."

The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint

Nora, Nora, Nora. I've discovered that I'm blogging/writing a lot more. I'm always writing in my yellow notebook and regurgetating its contents onto this webside. I never wrote or kept a journal before. I've never honestly had to. I've had Nora there for every moment I needed her. Since I really, truly started feeling the world and needing a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold she's been there. And now she's gone.
We don't talk much and I'm sorry I took for granted that she'd always be there. I miss talking to her and telling her everything about what was going on in my head, and her doing the same for me, I miss having coffee with her, and knowing how she is and what she was up to almost all the time, and vise-versa. She was a Best Friend-Soul Mate.

My cousin said something that made sense to me the other day, she said that she believed that everyone has a bunch of soul mates, they're just soul mates, and loved in a different way. I knew then that Coral was one of mine.

Reading that part of The Blue Girl this morning, it hit me. I realized I've replaced not being able to talk to her with my blog. Everything I long to tell her I write right here.

The Bittersweet Return of Giovanni Donatello

I've started talking to Gio again. it was a little sudden. He re-requested my friendship on facebook, I accepted, wanting to know how he was, but mostly just wanting him to know that I was ready to be friends too. We didn't talk at all at first, but when we were both online it seemed like he posted a lot of statuses. Almost like he was trying to gather my attention the way we used to do when we broke up and remained facebook friends before.
Then the shit went down with Mark and we broke up for that three minute span of time, and Gio Instant messaged me to see if i was okay. I didn't answer. That is- until a couple days later.
I said thank you for messaging to find out if I was doing alright, and that I was sorry I didn't answer. He said it was fine and he just wondered because a mutual friend of ours told him that Mark seemed like he was really good for me. We talked a while, catching up with each other, Playing a bit of the "Hey, remember that time-?" game then we parted our online ways.
We've talked a few times since then. And sometimes I really miss him. Miss the way he understood me, the way we talked and laughed and were. And I'm happy that we're friends again and can joke and talk like old times. But at the same time it's a really sad experience because I know how strongly I felt for him, and I know that if anything ever happened where for some crazy reason we got back together, we'd never be the happiness we once were.

Stay the Night

We spent the night together Saturday night. Mark went to his brother's bachelor party dinner, but opted out of the gambling in Milwaukee and came to stay the night with me. We sat and watched Harry Potter (the 5th and 6th ones) because he hadn't seen them yet. And I fed him left over lasagna by the end of the night. He thought it was delicious, I told him his taste buds were retarded or totally skewed because it was a single serving microwave dinner kind of thing.
Anyways, back to Harry Potter:
Having seen the movies, hear about them, and read their cooresponding books I wasn't too kean on watching them again, but I complied. I had told him to pick out a movie, and not wanting to argue over it or decide for three hours I said totally. His commentary on the 6th was a lot more than hilarious. He didn't like the pointless relationship sub-plots, and thought they were too prominent in the movie. He was right.
It was hard not to tell him what was going to happen when he was talking about his thoughts on how the next movie would go, and wondered mildly how it would end. (He, unlike me, hasn't read all the books so he doesn't actually know). But it was hard for me not to give any spoilers out.
After that I told him I wanted to go to bed, and I did, I'd slept through half of the 6th movie and "snored in my ear like this-" Mark said, then pressing his face to mine, making light, fuzzy snoring noises. I just laughed, only a little embarassed because he thought it was funny and cute rather than gross and annoying.
It was nice to have his arms around me all night. And I mean, ALL NIGHT. Almost like the times I spent the night with Gio. Though the bed I slept in with Gio was much bigger and a thousand times more comfortable. Plus Gio didn't sleep all night without moving much or making a peep. But it was just as nice. Different than the last time i spent the night with a boyfriend, but still wonderful.
Waking up is always the best. There was a lot of laughter and we sat there together a while and he tried to defeat a puzzle game I'd shown him a little while back. I helped him the last time he tried it, and we won it together. Then we went out for breakfast where nothing too exciting happened but it was a nice, still fun. Then he dropped me off back home and went to his friend's to watch football.
Overall a good time I think <3

Alright, Breathe Bitch

Alright, so Mark made it clear- No love yet. THANK GOD! Or whoever may be listening. He had me really worried there. I didn't even have to ask him straight out. The easing answer came via text. I'd sent him "liiiiikkkeee" or some variation there of because, well... That's kind of our thing. We'll tease eachother then say something like "Liiike" or "Like you!" Silly shit like that. So I said it and got back "Loooo..." and then he put something like GOT YOU! and made a mention about how it wasn't true "Yet."
This wave of releif filled me up, happiness, Straight Up. It's a good day.

L Word Woes

Sooo... Mark Loves me? I don't like it. it's too soon. It's just too much too soon.... Is it love or just ultra lust or am I just panicking? I mean, maybe now he's not so much dancing around it as he's tiptoeing closer and it freaks me out. Or maybe he's mentioning it the same as usual ad since our recent relationship based conversation, I'm being hyper-sensitive to it. But the undeniable thing is that he eluded to it.
I was snuggling up on his Cat Rufus, and petting him and whatnot And I was like "oohh lookit how cute you are, Mr. Man!!" And Mark was over trying to fix his computer and was like "why thank you!" but I really wasn't listening to him, I heard him, but I ignored him really, and I was like "I love you sooo much!!" to the cat, and then I heard Mark say "Now I KNOW you're not talking to me", and he came over and stood next to me and the cat (we were on his bed), and I was scruffing up the cat and saying "and I know you love me too!!" And Mark was quiet a second and said "probably more" and I assumed he was talking about more than I loved the cat so I was like "nooooo" but at the same time Mark said "More than me...." I just kinda ignored it and didn't make eye contact with him, and he stood there kinda awkwardly for a second... Because I just didn't know what to do.
No. It must be some kind of mistake in my mind. I'm just overreacting because he said while telling me he didn't want to lose me ever that the feelings he had for me could be equated as love...
I must be over-thinking way too into this. He must be trying to prepare me for it. But he gets so awkward when he says anything about it. Awkward really isn't his style... I'm not sure what to think... But I MUST be overreacting. There's no other explanation, no way in hell he could be in love yet. Just. No. Way. Bur he said he thought I was "the one" as in "THE ONE" The BIG one... The only one for him... UGH! What am I gonna do with this mess?
I just don't know... All my fear and anxiety is focusing on this aspect of my life. I have to disprove this. I have to know if he loves me or not so I can truly rest easy when he says "no" and I have a real reason to freak out if he says "yes".

Some Bullshit Went Down

This is an e-mail I wrote to Nora because I'm too lazy to re-write the bullshit that went down with Mark.

"Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, but I got lots of time now!
Alright, so, of course, like i felt and did to Gio, I felt like Mark had some kind of ulterior motive to be with me, because who would want to be with me for me? right? Yeah, and I know thats not true but, i totally felt that way about it :/ and it happens sometimes. Also, as you know I'd told him what happened my sophomore year, and I let him in farther than I've let any other boyfriend in, and that scared the crap outa me, you know? I mean, the more you know about someone the more you have in your arsenal to hurt them with, and thats the way I saw it. It scared me, so I started pushing him away by attacking him, and I was starting all this shit with him the other night. I was trying to push him to the edges of leaving me and all this other stuff even though, like with Gio, I didn't want him to go. But I kept pushing and pushing. even though I knew it was wrong.
I figure its because I didn't learn from my relationship with Gio- history repeats itself.
Anyways, so the next morning I get a text from him basically saying he wanted to come by my house and get the stuff of his that I have.
So i was like "does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
and he was like "well yeah because I can't deal with your pointless arguing" and the fact that I can't believe anything he says or I think that he's lying all the time.
And for a while we argued about it and said some shit we didn't mean, and after I started feeling bad about saying those things, I apologized, and our conversation turned momentarily serious, and he said that he just couldn't date me if we had such chasms between us and stuff and I was like yeah i understand.
Then somehow we started joking around with each other, talking about Mermaids in my jeans and asshats and crazy funny shit, because the pressure of relationship status wasn't weighing down on me, and somehow I can always open up way easier to guy friends than boyfriends. And he started realizing what he was losing in me; all the things he liked and yada ya.
Then he started saying things mid texts about how he really didn't want to break up and how he really thought we could make it work, and the last text about it was actually really cute, he was talking about all the things about me he liked so much that he wouldn't get to have anymore, he said something like: "i'm really going to miss the massages, the face, the smile, the laughs, the tits and vag..... And the Farkle in the background" lmao that last part probably doesnt make sense to you so I'll explain, when I go to his house, He sometimes plays xbox so I sit on his computer and fuck around on facebook and usually end up playing this game Called Farkle. And he thinks the music this game plays when you fail is hysterical, and he makes fun of it all the time. But I thought that was the cutest thing ever "... And the farkle in the background" lmao!! Anyways, so he came over and we talked a while, and I didn't wanna break up and he didn't wanna break up cuz we're both too stubborn lol and we just decided not to. But when we were talking he was explaining how he felt about me, saying like, he knew he would never find a girl like me, you know, someone who liked anime, let him play video games without really freaking out, made him laugh, and just liked being around him. That was cute. Then he said something about how, how he felt for me was what a lot of people would consider Love, and I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me he loved me there or not.... But i just kinda made a face and let him get on with his little speech."

He just kept saying that I worked well with him, that we were good together and he couldnt find anyone within an outlining state radius, and If he couldnt have me, he didnt really want anyone."
Needless to say that bullshit is over and we're all good now.