Of course school has come again, as many know, and I will be attending college for the first time this year. As I will be commuting for the next year or so, I had to drive in today. We are having a few orientation days before school actually starts so we can all get more comfortable with one another, make new friends, yada ya. And it was relatively fun today. but a little boring as I was unmotivated. All I wanted to do was find where all my classes would be, straighten out my schedule, and get my final book. I ended up only getting my parking pass. thats it. :| Lame. But as I was trying to navigate my way around to get back home when it was all over, I turned onto Highway N. Now, this may not mean anything to anyone else, and I didnt give it a second thought when I turned onto it, but when I got to the junction i wanted to be at, I started crying.
Across the road from the stop sign I was waiting at, was a Large, lacey-looking white cross, with vibrant, colorful, faux flowers surrounding its base. I remembered Micki. I my car was sitting on the road she had died on.
I found myself unable to move for a little, and I hyperventilated a bit before taking a deep breath and moving on down the road, crying.
It was a minor thing, but it has bummed me out quite a bit. Just another reminder of the beautiful life that was lost.
I thought of her earlier in the day when I heard a boy in one of my groups talk about a friend who had died of cancer. He said that his friend was an amazing human being, never once raised his voice or got visibly angry at another person, and lived life happy and full, he made ever moment count.
I wondered quietly as he spoke why all of the good people in the world had to die first. And I still wonder... I'll never stop wondering.
Tuesday, August 31
Thursday, August 26
The First Boy I Told
Mark and I have gotten really close over the past weeks and are now in a steady relationship, just us two.
We had been doing very well but lately my emotions have been mean, and I shut him out on more than one occasion because of it. We argued a little about it, because he's genuinely good at communication and believes in talking things out, especially since he's still trying to understand me and how i work. The way he watches me is so hysterical sometimes because of that fact.
Anyways, last night I was out with Joseph and, Mark hadn't contacted me almost all day, and i imagined it was because of our argument about my pendulum-like emotions. So i sent him a quick text basically asking if he was still upset. He tossed his opinion at me, basically saying that he felt insanely disconnected from me when my emotions went haywire, and that he felt like it was becoming more consistent when I was with him, and he was starting to think i was semi-bipolar, and that that fact about me worried him. As he's had issues in his past with people with bipolar disorder, naturally he would be a little leery. But it pissed me off. I'm by no means bipolar, just lost and confused upon occasion.
Naturally, I told Joseph that I was going to Marks, and that I would be right back. Joseph and Mark live barely a mile apart so I told him I'd be there and back in a jiffy. So I raced angrily over there, walked in, and stood at the doorway to his room, where he was standing.
"Really?" I'd said, "you really think that about me?"
And he turned and looked, with this horribly distressed look on his face, and he sighed and said "yeah, sometimes." before sitting down.
He talked about it for a while, and said that he couldn't think of any reason why i would act this way unless i'd been physically abused, raped, or something like that. As it was technically neither of those things, I just sat and listened as he talked, very calmly, never raising his voice.
But as he started picking at some of the scabs on my heart, it got harder to fight back the tears, and I ended up standing in the doorway crying, looking away from him while I sniveled. He ended up standing up and putting his arms around me, muffling my silent sobs even more. He wondered out loud then if he even wanted to hear my story if it caused me that much pain to even think about. And I told him about my revelation a few days before.
He then pulled away from me, and invited me to sit down with him, where he cuddled and held me while I cried, then I started telling my story, not from the moment I met the bad 'B' word, but from the time he first took something from me. And he listened, giving his opinion a few times, but he was mostly quiet. And every now and then he'd put his head in his hands as he listened, as if it hurt him to hear it, as much as it hurt me to experience it.
In the end he thanked me for telling him my story, and told me that he equated what happened to me to be mental rape, and that it would all be okay, because he cared for me, and he was going to help me if and when he could. He was sincerely grateful that he was able to hear me tell someone for the first time in years, and be the first one of my boyfriends to hear, the first boy to hear.
I feel relieved now that he knows. Like i don't have to stand away from him, hiding behind a shield that he can't see. I feel like I don't ever have to let that series of events from years past ever hurt my new relationships ever again.
We had been doing very well but lately my emotions have been mean, and I shut him out on more than one occasion because of it. We argued a little about it, because he's genuinely good at communication and believes in talking things out, especially since he's still trying to understand me and how i work. The way he watches me is so hysterical sometimes because of that fact.
Anyways, last night I was out with Joseph and, Mark hadn't contacted me almost all day, and i imagined it was because of our argument about my pendulum-like emotions. So i sent him a quick text basically asking if he was still upset. He tossed his opinion at me, basically saying that he felt insanely disconnected from me when my emotions went haywire, and that he felt like it was becoming more consistent when I was with him, and he was starting to think i was semi-bipolar, and that that fact about me worried him. As he's had issues in his past with people with bipolar disorder, naturally he would be a little leery. But it pissed me off. I'm by no means bipolar, just lost and confused upon occasion.
Naturally, I told Joseph that I was going to Marks, and that I would be right back. Joseph and Mark live barely a mile apart so I told him I'd be there and back in a jiffy. So I raced angrily over there, walked in, and stood at the doorway to his room, where he was standing.
"Really?" I'd said, "you really think that about me?"
And he turned and looked, with this horribly distressed look on his face, and he sighed and said "yeah, sometimes." before sitting down.
He talked about it for a while, and said that he couldn't think of any reason why i would act this way unless i'd been physically abused, raped, or something like that. As it was technically neither of those things, I just sat and listened as he talked, very calmly, never raising his voice.
But as he started picking at some of the scabs on my heart, it got harder to fight back the tears, and I ended up standing in the doorway crying, looking away from him while I sniveled. He ended up standing up and putting his arms around me, muffling my silent sobs even more. He wondered out loud then if he even wanted to hear my story if it caused me that much pain to even think about. And I told him about my revelation a few days before.
He then pulled away from me, and invited me to sit down with him, where he cuddled and held me while I cried, then I started telling my story, not from the moment I met the bad 'B' word, but from the time he first took something from me. And he listened, giving his opinion a few times, but he was mostly quiet. And every now and then he'd put his head in his hands as he listened, as if it hurt him to hear it, as much as it hurt me to experience it.
In the end he thanked me for telling him my story, and told me that he equated what happened to me to be mental rape, and that it would all be okay, because he cared for me, and he was going to help me if and when he could. He was sincerely grateful that he was able to hear me tell someone for the first time in years, and be the first one of my boyfriends to hear, the first boy to hear.
I feel relieved now that he knows. Like i don't have to stand away from him, hiding behind a shield that he can't see. I feel like I don't ever have to let that series of events from years past ever hurt my new relationships ever again.
Tuesday, August 24
Recent Revelation
I have been thinking about the bad 'B' word again, and in the car on the way home today, I thought about how he'd always ask me "what if" questions about our relationship and stuff. I remember one in particular that he asked all the time:
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...
Monday, August 2
Rejection
Its awful. Now.. I've never really had to reject anyone before, as I'm not a "high demand" girl. But since I got this job, there are people EVERYWHERE who at least look at me or flirt a little, first time for everything, right? Right. Well a few weeks ago, a small group of men came in, all rather good looking, came in and talked to my boss and I about something little, silly, and trivial. One in particular had his eyes on me the whole time, now, he was INSANELY cute! Not even going to lie, he was handsome as hell! And he made some comments as to he thought I was pretty and such. And then him and his group left. The next weekend, one of the guys from that group came back in and told me that his friend, thought i was really cute, and would be back in very soon. And he was.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.
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