A Letter to Gio

Gio,
Its okay if you don't love me anymore. Really, I understand. I wouldn't love me either. It was really nice of you to pretend for me, though I'm really not sure why you did, or why you have. Its been over a week since you last said you loved me, even though we've seen each other or talked every day.. No... I take that back, You said it the other day, but it was more of a "I guess I'll say this and see if it finally makes you happy" seeing as I was in another funk. It was really nice of you to say it the way you did when you first said it... I was so happy you did. But i understand that you couldn't love me then, and you probably never will. It was really sweet to say it though... Thanks for trying? I guess.... I don't know what to say to you.... Just... That I wish it was you who would be the first to mean it when you said you loved me.
I guess wishes just need to stay in dreams where they belong. Right?
Love, Yours Truly, Sincerely,
Arielle

Theft or Protection?

Laying in bed last night I remembered someone from Sophomore year.... She was a really good friend of mine, very flirty but shy and sweet. I knew her when I went out with the bad-'B'-word. (This is what he has been known as since the incident because I haven't the capacity to write or say his name without becoming a complete basket case, and any name but his own is too good for him as a "codename")
I remember talking to this friend of mine, (we'll call her Chi, because she loved reading the manga 'Chobits' and that was the first word I could Identify her with on the Chobits wikipedia page) So Chi and I would talk about all sorts of things, her sad struggle for happiness, the boys she was crushing on, my boyfriend.... who, at the time, I thought was a pretty great guy :| Age and love are fickle and cruel.
Most of the memories from when the relationship with me and the bad-'B'-word went sour are still jumbled, but I remember my first revelation. The first time I decided that there was no turning back. "He's an asshole" I would say to myself and everyone else, as if that changed anything. "I never wanna be with him again." Though I'm pretty sure now, that everyone knew better.
But that first revelation, it must have been the 18th breakup with us, and the longest. Chi started talking about how she'd always kinda had a crush on him. I don't remember if I warned her or told her good luck getting him. Though she'd never had trouble getting boys, she was blonde and nerdy (she loved Anime and Manga and Video games and things I couldnt even say, all of which I had no interest in, but he did) and she was absolutely beautiful to top, Bad-'B'-word's dream (most likely anyways). I could never compete against that. I'm a very plain looking girl, nothing about me is either beautiful or memorable. I'm just me, drifting through the seas of people like a spec of algae amongst shiny fish.
I remember hearing her say she was crushing on him, but nothing else. I dont remember the time that passed, between then and the part that happened after, but I remember she voiced her opinion about him, one that we had in common, though in my time away from him i wouldn't dare repeat.
I remember going to French class... I think it was morning, but I couldn't honestly say.I remember Chi's locker was right next to my french room. I can still see them together.... the image is almost burned into my memory. I don't remember what they were wearing, or their hairstyles at the time, but I remember their faces, meshing together, one of his hands on her waist, the other at her neck. I can see their lips and tongues dancing together, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
The boy I was dreadfully in love with, was kissing one of my best friends, not long after we broke up, and right in front of my eyes. In front of a class I'm not even sure he knew I had.
I remember holding back my rage as I "ooo"d at her as if to show that I was excited for her. I remember sitting down in class after she smiled so widely at me, brackets over pearly white teeth shining like no other.
And in those moments I felt so much rage and jealousy I scarcely knew how to contain myself.... and that's where it goes black again... All I remember is that after that me and him got back together, and I never asked her how she felt, and if I'd made her angry by doing that..... Everything else is black or there's so much life and color from one memory to another I can't distinguish them.... This is the only thing I've deciphered for a while....
I wonder if I thought I was stealing him from her.... or back from her maybe.... Or if I thought I was protecting her from what I knew he could do to her fragile heart.... I just don't know..... I'm not sure I ever will.

Word for Word Thoughts

So, one day in Journalism, when I had nothing to do, the teacher came in, in a particularly foul mood, and told everyone she better see us working or we would fail for the day. YIKES! So naturally everyone got off facebook, youtube, and whatever else, and opened up either word documents or InDesign and started working. Now... I couldn't work on anything because the events I was writing about hadn't even come up yet. I didn't want to fail for the day, so I started writing all my thoughts down, and eventually decided to give them to Gio.
This was a few months ago, so Gio'd kept my thoughts for a while, and recently he pulled them out of nowhere with a big smile on his face. After telling my friend Amy about the incident and she insisted on reading it, and when she finished she decided it was cute and funny (for some crazy reason) and that I had to put it in the blog, but Sorry, Amy-bear. I'm not doing it (right now anyways :P) :| It was like a page and a half worth of all the thoughts that came into my head in like 15 minuted O.o too much. Just too much.
But honestly, has anyone else been that bored or done something crazy like that just to escape failing? Or am I just a psycho O.o

Honestly I had something better to write today, but I can't remember what it was. Must not have been that important :{P <--MUSTACHE SMILEY!

His name is Giovanni

His name is Giovanni Donatello, and I love him. I have for a long time now, he makes me happy, he gets me, would I say he's my soul-mate? Maybe not. But I like to think he is. He's very handsome, he's tall, has brown Jared-Leto-in-Requiem-for-a-Dream cut hair, crystalline blue eyes, a Jared Leto nose (no, I'm serious, it's awesome [I have a thing for boys with good noses, FYI]), wears band t-shirts, van's brand shoes, and upon occasion skinny jeans. He's beautiful, and mine. Of course that's not his real name, but something a mutual friend of ours came up with as a rather "code name" for him in a story we wrote for an AP Psych assignment, his last name was his favorite Ninja Turtle, and to protect his identity I'm using it. <3 His name is Giovanni Donatello, and I met him sophomore year. I had signed up for a Chemistry class, a real one, not just Chem. Comm. But real Chemistry. I'd been thrust into Honors Biology the year before for some ungodly reason, though just about every other freshman I knew (except those in my class) were taking simple science classes, where I secretly knew I belonged, so I figured why not challenge myself and light some chemicals ablaze! Anyway, I walked into this class and I cant remember where I sat first, I imagine the back, because at that time I was a complete introvert because my mind was getting screwed with by a boy who won't be named at the moment, though is half responsible for all my turmoil. All I know was that I ended up getting put in the front, around the middle.... Now... there were lots of people there, though some stood out more than others in attractiveness... but there was one boy in particular that caught my eye, he was put right next to me, and he was called "Gio" and sometimes "Donatello". I don’t remember what was said between us, or who spoke first, though I imagine it went something like "hey" and then I just glared back. :| Again, who was a girl who was a super introvert who couldn't control her emotions? Me. So I tended to lash out at him, which caused him to lash back, and say really nasty things that only made me want to punch him in his pretty little mouth. After those first few encounters with Gio, I thought he was a snobby brat with an attitude problem, I guessed he was a rich jock who couldn’t afford manors, and that made me angry, so we would fight and argue, but somehow, somewhere deep down, I knew he was more than just an attractive jerk, maybe it was because I was comparing him to someone I’d written or something, I'm not sure. But SOMEHOW I considered him a strange type of friend, and I can remember several occasions when we had civil conversations when we spoke nicely to each other, asking how the other was, if they'd finished the homework, him always saying he had. The bastard was so smart, me and a friend of his (and mine) would always steal his homework and copy down the answers, because he usually had many of them right, and we both (the other girl and I) knew we didn't belong in Chemistry, though neither of us was willing to give up the credits. I remember that he wrote a lot, come to find out later he was a poet, and was generally quiet, he seemed shy until I got going on him. I remember feeling rather bad about being so rude to him, and probably scaring his pants off when i was in one of my extremely spastic "up" moods. I was an intense 15-year-old. Believe me :| There were times I would look at him, and he would look so down in the dumps. I could find a connection with the core of me, the sadness in my heart, and the look on his pretty face. I sometimes just stared, wondering what a boy like him had to be upset about. The way I saw him, he shouldn't have had worries, he had lots of friends, he was extremely intelligent, and he had a face like a male version of Helen of Troy. I can think of a few occasions when I would come in, and he wouldn't acknowledge me. I know what you're thinking, "why would he? You're a bitch!", but I honestly think we liked arguing with one another, because we could say to each other what we were too afraid to say to the people we were really irked with. And, whenever I saw him like that, I didn't care what was going on in class, I just wanted to get up, and wrap my arms around him. I wanted to tell him it was okay, and that he would be okay in the end....

His name is Giovanni Donatello, and even back then I cared so much about him.

Ice Cream Applications

I feel the urge to talk about fun things and happy things, because my mood feels rather up :]
My dad told me that a large ice cream franchise (with the best ice cream XD) is looking to hire in town, so of course I hurried to the computer, double clicked firefox and began my search.
I found it quite easily and read the front page, that had a link to the downloadable application. It was a pdf that said:

"To apply at the coolest place to work in Kenosha where the staff is like family you need to do one of the following.

Turn in a Resume

OR

Tell us why you want to work for Ben & Jerry's in the most creative way possible (i.e. music video, scrap book, shadow box, the list is endless.) Make sure to include all contact information."

Being a naturally artistic person, I got extremely excited. I think I may post the essay/creative story I write for the job. :D

Selfish or Saintly?

I woke up thinking less about the crap that's happened, and more about the selfishness I've carried for the past four years or more. Is it just adding to my selfishness to have a blog? A place I can go to talk more and more about myself? And is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? There is always a certain degree of egocentrism when you're trying to "find yourself" and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I've felt lost for four years, and I think it's time to relocate the girl I used to be, have a chat with her, spot the differences and similarities and figure myself out.
I hope that isn't too self-centered of me. I feel like I spend much too much time as it is thinking about myself and disregarding the feelings and thoughts of the people around me, the people I love.
I'm excruciatingly glad, though, that they've stayed with me so long, through thick and thin, they're true friends. They know my tendencies to be a little of the bad kind of crazy, and I know I've probably hurt them more times than I've acknowledged, but they still seem to love me, that's a beautiful thing.
Maybe this is a good thing, I'm deterring the issues from them to the internet. Oh how this could backfire. But I'm saving them from the miseries and woes of being around the crazy-psychotic part of me. I think that's the way I'll look at it.
Note to self:
Don't forget to think more of them.

The Beginning

This is for my own personal remembrance of the things that have happened to me in the past. I don't necessarily care if people see my emotional turmoil or my happy days, its out there. This is real life folks, people aren't perfect, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm no where near such.

A little about me, I want to be a writer, my name is Arielle Jakobs, and I figure that if I want to make a living at being a writer, I have to put myself out there, I have to understand myself, and above all be able to cope with the things in my past that have happened, and who I have become as apposed to who I used to be.Granted I am very young, I know, but you don't have to be older to have walked with depression and the kind of loyal codependency that can kill a person.

I'll go into this more later, perhaps another day when I'm in some contemplative state or another. But for now I'll write the just of what I plan do with this blog.
Note to self, don't forget:
I want to remember everything that has happened to me, no matter how tough it is, the faster you rip off the band-aid the sooner the pain dissipates, and I have been tugging at this band-aid for much too long. I want to start now to help the girls like me, protect them from the evil that can be done. Those are my ultimate goals as of now, they may mold and change as time goes on.

Again. I write for myself and myself alone, if you wish to comment go ahead, if you want to follow and possibly read about me breaking down in a fit of rage, anxiety, depression, or all of the above every few weeks, feel free, though I hope my happy days entertain you more than my fits.

This is gonna get a lot harder in the future, but my memories must prevail; I have to get through this.