Party? I'll Pass

Gio mentioned again about his Grad party to me, which is on Saturday. And I'd declined and declined until today when he asked yet again. Why did I say no? His family will be there, and what if I have a breakdown or i get too nervous and too awkward, I'm not smart like them, I'm really not smart at all, I don't have the.... whatever it is that other people do that make them like me. People generally hear me talk, look me over, label me "Freak" and walk away. Right?
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.

Last Chance

Friday. Yesterday. I got my last chance to give the bad B word a piece of my mind. Seniors got out of school Thursday, it was our last official day, but Friday we had to come in for a little while for Graduation rehearsal, right? Right.
He was there, of course, and I saw him a multitude of times and even stood next to him as I hugged, possibly for the last time, one of his goth-y little followers, Adrian. I've know Adrian for a while, and we love to talk, she's my cute little Gothypants :] But no matter what, she always seems to be around him, no matter how mean to her he is they're still friends for some ungodly reason, but who am I to say anything? Its not my place.

So, marching in and out of the cafeteria and the gymnasium and back and forth, I kept seeing him and blah blah blah. And When his name was called to the makeshift stage I kind of cringed a little, and when he walked past my row (I was on the aisle with my counter part Joseph in the opposite aisle, which I think is silly. We have the same last name, we should be right next to each other right?! But I digress.
Maybe it was just me, but he seemed to walk so close to me, and I felt like his eyes were on me as he passed, but I couldn't tell for sure because I was trying not to look at him, and very successfully so.

Then when rehearsal was over and we were all accumulating in the Lobby he stood there. Right there. Right were we used to sit near the end, right where I sit every morning, he was standing there, and he kept looking at me. I could have taken those moments to confront you, but I didn't... I don't know why, but I didn't.
Tomorrow is graduation. Do I muster the courage to give you a piece of my mind, or drop the subject all together?

Decisions, decisions.

Facebooking Records of the Bad 'B' Word

B- I practically stalk you on facebook, just so I can feel closer to you. I visit your FB almost every day, just to see if you've posted anything new, see what you're doing, or if you saw me, and cared to mention it. I keep hoping deep down that you will...
I remember the first time I looked at your profile, amongst the rubbish I saw:

"Just cleaned out my inbox and saw messages from an ex who i was madly in love with....:'-("

I wondered if you meant me, we used to email and stuff so much... and that was it, i came back nearly every day just to see if you posted anything new. If you mentioned me, if you thought of me, what you were doing and whatever else... then I saw:

"...cant get her to notice me. dis sucks guess ill move on. nothing else now"

And i decided you would never want me again, though I've stayed faithful to your FB and look at that status every time I went. The more I wondered who the girl you were talking about was, the more I hoped it was me, and the more I THOUGHT it was me.
I look at you/in your direction a lot when I walk into school. I know where you stand so well i can almost picture you there before I show up. You always seem to be looking to, or maybe its just me, but it always feels like you look back at me, like you wait to see me every morning, like i wait to see you.... I may not love you anymore, but my heart is still in your cruel hand, holding me back from really loving anyone else.... even Gio. I hate to say it, but sometimes I only feel like I'm pretending to love Gio...and that makes me so irrevocably sad.
B- Just get out of my heart.

Nora if you're reading this, dont get upset... & please don't tell Gio, I dont wanna hurt him anymore...

Spinning 'Round

I'm thinking of a word. Its a dirty dirty word, but not in the conventional "society says its bad" kind of bad. I'm thinking of the bad 'B' word... I'm trying to remember. My head feels so full. It feels so cramped up in my skull that i kind of want to scream. I need to get out of here. I need to calm down, I can't get the spinning to stop. All of my thoughts cascading down and around and swirling into one another running, running, and jumping, and melding into each other. I think of him and this is what happens. I try to remember and I fall into thinking so much that I barely think at all. If I contradict myself so be it. You don't know how this feels unless you're like me. Like vomit in the skull. I have to get out of this mindset, out of my body. I wish there was a way to detach myself so far that I'm not the me I am. I have to get out of here.

I Wonder....

The other day I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps before i fell behind. I wanted very much to hyperventilate or something, but I held my composure. I did very well considering that it was the closest I'd been to you in months and months... over a year now. Its been a while. I couldn't help but wonder in those few steps we took together, if you even noticed it was me who was next to you. I wondered if it bothered you, if you felt it somewhere in that deep cavern where your heart should be. I think about things like this all the time. I wonder if you ever think of me, the way I think of you, a sort of missing you without feeling missing. If that makes sense. I can think about you, and wish things could go back to how they used to be, wish it could just be happy again, and i could go back to something that was so comfortingly familiar i never stopped coming back, even when it hurt me.
I wonder if you miss me too, I wonder if you sit and wonder where I've gone, if you even notice the fact that I've been gone for two years, and I'm not coming back. So you think of me the way I think of you? Are you angry with me? Do you know how much you tossed around my emotions, do you know how different you made me, and not much for good. I wonder if you know that you killed that light inside me, the one that Nora says drew everyone towards me, the one that made me shine so bright and so happy.
While I was with you I was so emotional... Every day was a turbulent rollercoaster ride, and it was usually pretty scary. More times than not we'd freak out too badly to be able to handle the ride.. and we would leave eachother again.
Maybe you think that I hurt you maybe you were hurt just as bad as you hurt me... I might never know...
I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps. And the fear inside me from being so close to you drew me back, along with a the small crowd surrounding us. I want to talk to you. I want to know what happened. I just want to remember and understand... I wonder every day if you can bring back all my memories. If maybe I talked to you once, I'd remember it all.... I wonder if you're the only way I can come back from the dead....

Notes to Norah

While she was in Tennessee, where she's moving to much too soon, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and I had to tell her what was on my mind.

"Nora, I have something to say. I LOVE you. You're my BEST friend, no one can come close to you, not Joeseph, not Zoey, Amy, Gio, anyone. And I'm really scared to lose you. I love you. I wish you didn't have to go, but at the same time, I'm so excited for you to start the new chapter in your life..... These next couple weeks will be so precious to me, because I'm afraid they're going to be made of the last times i get to spend with you for at least a really, really, really long time. :/ I love you, Nora, and no matter how far apart we are, nothing can change that. I just wanted you to know that now. Before you go... :] ♥"

She replied:

"And and I want you to know that you are so near and dear to me, Arielle, and you are a truly wonderful person, there would never be another like you! I would never replace you with anyone, no one could fill the shoes! And i so agree, i am scared, excited, happy and sad, to be leaving, but i know this isn't going to be the last i see of you, or of anyone else! and i plan on spending a load of time with you before i go, because i will miss you oh so very much, and i have faith in you that you will do well without me, and i want you to know that i am always just a phone call away, and hopefully when you get a cell phone, and text! haha :P But I'll love you to the end, you are my best friend! :D ♥"

In all honesty, Nora is my rock. That's just it. We've been friends for about 7 years, and she's been with me through it all. I couldn't bear to lose her. I just couldn't do it! I mean.... Even when I was so messed up, and all i could do was growl and snap at her, and she thought she would have to part from me to keep going on, she stayed. Something in her knew I needed her more in those moments than she needed to get away. The entire time I was with the Bad 'B' Word, she was with me, voicing her opinions when she knew i was unhappy, and lying to me when i looked happy. I thank her for that. But I wish I had listened to her every day of my life now.
But seriously, Nora seems to know things about me that I don't know about myself. She understands people, way better than I ever could, she knows when they're poison, she's just.... too much to say in one small blog... I just don't know what I'll do without her.
I've taken our friendship for granted for a long time. The saying, you dont know what you got until its gone? Sorta true, only for me, I feel like I didnt know what I have until she's packing all her stuff into little boxes and making trips back and forth to Tennessee, ready to start her new life. She says she thinks I'll be just fine without her, but Tennessee is so far from Wisconsin... too far....

Nice Day for Kissing

Giovanni Donatello- A name just as lovely as the person to whom it belongs.
Saturday, August 22, 2009 Gio and I carried out our plans to go to the vaccant house he was "house sitting" for his aunt and uncle. We'd been talking for a while about how we needed to meet up again, after the first mishap:
We went to Dairy Queen, and awkwardness rained down on us. We wanted so much to be together, though neither of us was aware of the other's feelings. It was about June then, and I had another boyfriend, our relationship was going sour, and Gio was the only other person I could really talk to (besides Nora).
Anyways, this house happened to be about 2 houses down from my best friend Nora's latest abode. It was very awkward in the car on the way there, I remember that, he tried to make small talk and look cool, while I tried not to die from wanting to kiss him so bad and my own social awkwardness. (by this time I was single, FYI. I'm no cheater.)
When we got in we took off our shoes, after I practically got mauled by Bucky (Gio's Aunt and Uncle's big pooch)and after standing uneasily and staring around the front room we went to the couch, I plopped down while Gio began to monkey around with the TV & DVD player. We were planning on watching This Is Spinal Tap that day. So this silly boy couldn't figure out how to make it all work, or at least he pretended to, to get me to laugh, and he started dancing around, doing all these silly moves as if being a goofball would help him get it all up and running. It was about 3 minutes into the movie (he'd played it before he got the tv to the right setting)
So when he finally got it going, he sat down at the end of the couch, I was in about the middle, hoping to be close to him, but not too close. He seemed nervous, and ended up laughing and putting his feet up on me, I pushed them off a few times before just moving to the opposite end of the couch-- I hate feet :|
It was quiet for a little while then, neither of us had a clue as to what to say to one another, conversations don't flow as well in person as on the internet. :P All of a sudden, BOP! I get smacked in the face with a pillow, and a fierce pillow fight ensues. Every once in a while he would grab my pillow and pull it into him, and naturally I held on to my weapon, and fell into him on multiple occasions, we would just laugh away and bop each other with a pillow again.
It took us a while, and a full circle of chasing one another around the house, upstairs and down, and we were sitting again. This time he sat in the middle, holding both my pillow and his captive, I saw where he'd previously sat (this time closer), trying to pry my pillow out from under his grasp. Obviously, though, he's much stronger than I am, so it was fruitless for me to even try, but I persevered!
But then he grabbed one of my wrists, not too tight, but tight enough that I couldn't pull away.
I'd pull and pull and say please, and he'd just smirk in his wonderfully irritatingly handsome way and say "what's the magic word?" I would say please again, and he'd just laugh and shake his head.
After tugging and huffing for a while, I gave up on girly attempts, and started flailing around like a mad thing, and I ended up on the floor, while Gio sat comfortably laughing on his leather'd cushion, so naturally I pulled him off, and we lay on our stomachs, my left side touching his right and my left wrist in his beautifully scared hand.
Being that he has an extremely wonderful nose, I couldn't help but to poke it. Sometimes he would attempt to bite my finger, and every now and then he would get it. One of the times he managed to get it, I blew in his face, then he blew back, he let go a little later, and we moved back to the couch, sitting even closer than last time, he grabbed my wrist again, holding it gently, though I didn't pull away, I just poked his nose. It started the "war" again a little later, after Gio seemed to get irritated enough.
Next thing I knew, his head was on my stomach, and I was slouched down in the couch so I could see him, he'd pulled my arms around him, and started blowing up at my face, so I'd blow back, and we would get our faces so close together, that our lips would brush. Feeling awkward and not knowing what to think of it, i would pull away when it happens, secretly cherishing every millisecond our lips were together, and tilt my head back and laugh. Then we'd get right back to it.
One of the times, though, he pulled back, and looked at me for a good long second, a smile playing across his pretty lips, and suddenly, his head came up and his lips met mine for just a second.
Shocked as all hell, I said "why did you do that?" The smile on his face fell a little, and he looked a little embarrassed, and a more awkward smile laid on his face, "Why not?" he'd questioned back. Realizing that I'd said the completely wrong thing, I dared him to do it again. He smiled and we leaned into each other for another heart-pounding (literally! his heart was beating a million miles a minute!!!) kiss. By this time, the credits to the movie were rolling, and I'd promised my mother that I would be home right after the movie.
Sadly, we ended up standing, and after trying to kiss and get our shoes on at the same time, we got into the car, and kissed at every stop sign as he drove me home, taking me on the scenic route (the one with the most stop signs)