Saying Goodbye

Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter.
I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today.
I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real.
I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her.
I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive.
I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....