Laying in bed last night I remembered someone from Sophomore year.... She was a really good friend of mine, very flirty but shy and sweet. I knew her when I went out with the bad-'B'-word. (This is what he has been known as since the incident because I haven't the capacity to write or say his name without becoming a complete basket case, and any name but his own is too good for him as a "codename")
I remember talking to this friend of mine, (we'll call her Chi, because she loved reading the manga 'Chobits' and that was the first word I could Identify her with on the Chobits wikipedia page) So Chi and I would talk about all sorts of things, her sad struggle for happiness, the boys she was crushing on, my boyfriend.... who, at the time, I thought was a pretty great guy :| Age and love are fickle and cruel.
Most of the memories from when the relationship with me and the bad-'B'-word went sour are still jumbled, but I remember my first revelation. The first time I decided that there was no turning back. "He's an asshole" I would say to myself and everyone else, as if that changed anything. "I never wanna be with him again." Though I'm pretty sure now, that everyone knew better.
But that first revelation, it must have been the 18th breakup with us, and the longest. Chi started talking about how she'd always kinda had a crush on him. I don't remember if I warned her or told her good luck getting him. Though she'd never had trouble getting boys, she was blonde and nerdy (she loved Anime and Manga and Video games and things I couldnt even say, all of which I had no interest in, but he did) and she was absolutely beautiful to top, Bad-'B'-word's dream (most likely anyways). I could never compete against that. I'm a very plain looking girl, nothing about me is either beautiful or memorable. I'm just me, drifting through the seas of people like a spec of algae amongst shiny fish.
I remember hearing her say she was crushing on him, but nothing else. I dont remember the time that passed, between then and the part that happened after, but I remember she voiced her opinion about him, one that we had in common, though in my time away from him i wouldn't dare repeat.
I remember going to French class... I think it was morning, but I couldn't honestly say.I remember Chi's locker was right next to my french room. I can still see them together.... the image is almost burned into my memory. I don't remember what they were wearing, or their hairstyles at the time, but I remember their faces, meshing together, one of his hands on her waist, the other at her neck. I can see their lips and tongues dancing together, and it still brings tears to my eyes.
The boy I was dreadfully in love with, was kissing one of my best friends, not long after we broke up, and right in front of my eyes. In front of a class I'm not even sure he knew I had.
I remember holding back my rage as I "ooo"d at her as if to show that I was excited for her. I remember sitting down in class after she smiled so widely at me, brackets over pearly white teeth shining like no other.
And in those moments I felt so much rage and jealousy I scarcely knew how to contain myself.... and that's where it goes black again... All I remember is that after that me and him got back together, and I never asked her how she felt, and if I'd made her angry by doing that..... Everything else is black or there's so much life and color from one memory to another I can't distinguish them.... This is the only thing I've deciphered for a while....
I wonder if I thought I was stealing him from her.... or back from her maybe.... Or if I thought I was protecting her from what I knew he could do to her fragile heart.... I just don't know..... I'm not sure I ever will.
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