I turned 19 today. Not much was planned, I went to English at school, and then sat around my house, and then went to work. Nothing particularly awesome. I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get so see Mark, seeing as when I had to go to go to work, Mark was just about getting out of it.
But surprise of surprises, I look up from the hostess desk at work, and see Mark strutting over to me, with big yellow flowers that look like the sun, and a large piece of chocolate cake, a big smile on his face.
I beamed. I mean BEAMED. I smiled so big! And I hugged him and thanked him, and took the flowers and cake from him, and he lit the two candles in the shape of a 1 and a 9 and lit them, and I made a wish and blew out the candles. Mark said happy birthday, and kissed me, and I felt so happy. No one could even compare.
He said he would have gotten me roses, but the life expectancy of them was really short and knowing I love flowers he wanted ones that would last, so he got some in my favorite color.
It was the best birthday gift I'd ever gotten from anyone.
My manager came by and told me to get rid of him not long after, and I can't blame him. But nonetheless seeing him even a little was way better than I could have hoped.
Thursday, September 30
Wednesday, September 29
Hit On Conclusion
I went to see Mark to clear the water after school. It was really awkward at first because neither of us knew how to initiate the conversation about the guy I'd been out with. God I hate saying it like that but I don't know any other way :|
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.
Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.
Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P
Hit On
I went out with an old friend whose name I wont mention. But this guy used to have a thing for me, like really hard. But we hadn't talked in years, so when he messaged me to say hi, I figured he was just talking, bored maybe, whatever shooting the shit. It happens. But he asked me to hang with him, so I accepted, having nothing better to do.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.
Tuesday, August 31
Starting Anew and Recalling the Lost
Of course school has come again, as many know, and I will be attending college for the first time this year. As I will be commuting for the next year or so, I had to drive in today. We are having a few orientation days before school actually starts so we can all get more comfortable with one another, make new friends, yada ya. And it was relatively fun today. but a little boring as I was unmotivated. All I wanted to do was find where all my classes would be, straighten out my schedule, and get my final book. I ended up only getting my parking pass. thats it. :| Lame. But as I was trying to navigate my way around to get back home when it was all over, I turned onto Highway N. Now, this may not mean anything to anyone else, and I didnt give it a second thought when I turned onto it, but when I got to the junction i wanted to be at, I started crying.
Across the road from the stop sign I was waiting at, was a Large, lacey-looking white cross, with vibrant, colorful, faux flowers surrounding its base. I remembered Micki. I my car was sitting on the road she had died on.
I found myself unable to move for a little, and I hyperventilated a bit before taking a deep breath and moving on down the road, crying.
It was a minor thing, but it has bummed me out quite a bit. Just another reminder of the beautiful life that was lost.
I thought of her earlier in the day when I heard a boy in one of my groups talk about a friend who had died of cancer. He said that his friend was an amazing human being, never once raised his voice or got visibly angry at another person, and lived life happy and full, he made ever moment count.
I wondered quietly as he spoke why all of the good people in the world had to die first. And I still wonder... I'll never stop wondering.
Across the road from the stop sign I was waiting at, was a Large, lacey-looking white cross, with vibrant, colorful, faux flowers surrounding its base. I remembered Micki. I my car was sitting on the road she had died on.
I found myself unable to move for a little, and I hyperventilated a bit before taking a deep breath and moving on down the road, crying.
It was a minor thing, but it has bummed me out quite a bit. Just another reminder of the beautiful life that was lost.
I thought of her earlier in the day when I heard a boy in one of my groups talk about a friend who had died of cancer. He said that his friend was an amazing human being, never once raised his voice or got visibly angry at another person, and lived life happy and full, he made ever moment count.
I wondered quietly as he spoke why all of the good people in the world had to die first. And I still wonder... I'll never stop wondering.
Thursday, August 26
The First Boy I Told
Mark and I have gotten really close over the past weeks and are now in a steady relationship, just us two.
We had been doing very well but lately my emotions have been mean, and I shut him out on more than one occasion because of it. We argued a little about it, because he's genuinely good at communication and believes in talking things out, especially since he's still trying to understand me and how i work. The way he watches me is so hysterical sometimes because of that fact.
Anyways, last night I was out with Joseph and, Mark hadn't contacted me almost all day, and i imagined it was because of our argument about my pendulum-like emotions. So i sent him a quick text basically asking if he was still upset. He tossed his opinion at me, basically saying that he felt insanely disconnected from me when my emotions went haywire, and that he felt like it was becoming more consistent when I was with him, and he was starting to think i was semi-bipolar, and that that fact about me worried him. As he's had issues in his past with people with bipolar disorder, naturally he would be a little leery. But it pissed me off. I'm by no means bipolar, just lost and confused upon occasion.
Naturally, I told Joseph that I was going to Marks, and that I would be right back. Joseph and Mark live barely a mile apart so I told him I'd be there and back in a jiffy. So I raced angrily over there, walked in, and stood at the doorway to his room, where he was standing.
"Really?" I'd said, "you really think that about me?"
And he turned and looked, with this horribly distressed look on his face, and he sighed and said "yeah, sometimes." before sitting down.
He talked about it for a while, and said that he couldn't think of any reason why i would act this way unless i'd been physically abused, raped, or something like that. As it was technically neither of those things, I just sat and listened as he talked, very calmly, never raising his voice.
But as he started picking at some of the scabs on my heart, it got harder to fight back the tears, and I ended up standing in the doorway crying, looking away from him while I sniveled. He ended up standing up and putting his arms around me, muffling my silent sobs even more. He wondered out loud then if he even wanted to hear my story if it caused me that much pain to even think about. And I told him about my revelation a few days before.
He then pulled away from me, and invited me to sit down with him, where he cuddled and held me while I cried, then I started telling my story, not from the moment I met the bad 'B' word, but from the time he first took something from me. And he listened, giving his opinion a few times, but he was mostly quiet. And every now and then he'd put his head in his hands as he listened, as if it hurt him to hear it, as much as it hurt me to experience it.
In the end he thanked me for telling him my story, and told me that he equated what happened to me to be mental rape, and that it would all be okay, because he cared for me, and he was going to help me if and when he could. He was sincerely grateful that he was able to hear me tell someone for the first time in years, and be the first one of my boyfriends to hear, the first boy to hear.
I feel relieved now that he knows. Like i don't have to stand away from him, hiding behind a shield that he can't see. I feel like I don't ever have to let that series of events from years past ever hurt my new relationships ever again.
We had been doing very well but lately my emotions have been mean, and I shut him out on more than one occasion because of it. We argued a little about it, because he's genuinely good at communication and believes in talking things out, especially since he's still trying to understand me and how i work. The way he watches me is so hysterical sometimes because of that fact.
Anyways, last night I was out with Joseph and, Mark hadn't contacted me almost all day, and i imagined it was because of our argument about my pendulum-like emotions. So i sent him a quick text basically asking if he was still upset. He tossed his opinion at me, basically saying that he felt insanely disconnected from me when my emotions went haywire, and that he felt like it was becoming more consistent when I was with him, and he was starting to think i was semi-bipolar, and that that fact about me worried him. As he's had issues in his past with people with bipolar disorder, naturally he would be a little leery. But it pissed me off. I'm by no means bipolar, just lost and confused upon occasion.
Naturally, I told Joseph that I was going to Marks, and that I would be right back. Joseph and Mark live barely a mile apart so I told him I'd be there and back in a jiffy. So I raced angrily over there, walked in, and stood at the doorway to his room, where he was standing.
"Really?" I'd said, "you really think that about me?"
And he turned and looked, with this horribly distressed look on his face, and he sighed and said "yeah, sometimes." before sitting down.
He talked about it for a while, and said that he couldn't think of any reason why i would act this way unless i'd been physically abused, raped, or something like that. As it was technically neither of those things, I just sat and listened as he talked, very calmly, never raising his voice.
But as he started picking at some of the scabs on my heart, it got harder to fight back the tears, and I ended up standing in the doorway crying, looking away from him while I sniveled. He ended up standing up and putting his arms around me, muffling my silent sobs even more. He wondered out loud then if he even wanted to hear my story if it caused me that much pain to even think about. And I told him about my revelation a few days before.
He then pulled away from me, and invited me to sit down with him, where he cuddled and held me while I cried, then I started telling my story, not from the moment I met the bad 'B' word, but from the time he first took something from me. And he listened, giving his opinion a few times, but he was mostly quiet. And every now and then he'd put his head in his hands as he listened, as if it hurt him to hear it, as much as it hurt me to experience it.
In the end he thanked me for telling him my story, and told me that he equated what happened to me to be mental rape, and that it would all be okay, because he cared for me, and he was going to help me if and when he could. He was sincerely grateful that he was able to hear me tell someone for the first time in years, and be the first one of my boyfriends to hear, the first boy to hear.
I feel relieved now that he knows. Like i don't have to stand away from him, hiding behind a shield that he can't see. I feel like I don't ever have to let that series of events from years past ever hurt my new relationships ever again.
Tuesday, August 24
Recent Revelation
I have been thinking about the bad 'B' word again, and in the car on the way home today, I thought about how he'd always ask me "what if" questions about our relationship and stuff. I remember one in particular that he asked all the time:
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...
Monday, August 2
Rejection
Its awful. Now.. I've never really had to reject anyone before, as I'm not a "high demand" girl. But since I got this job, there are people EVERYWHERE who at least look at me or flirt a little, first time for everything, right? Right. Well a few weeks ago, a small group of men came in, all rather good looking, came in and talked to my boss and I about something little, silly, and trivial. One in particular had his eyes on me the whole time, now, he was INSANELY cute! Not even going to lie, he was handsome as hell! And he made some comments as to he thought I was pretty and such. And then him and his group left. The next weekend, one of the guys from that group came back in and told me that his friend, thought i was really cute, and would be back in very soon. And he was.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.
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