I have been thinking about the bad 'B' word again, and in the car on the way home today, I thought about how he'd always ask me "what if" questions about our relationship and stuff. I remember one in particular that he asked all the time:
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...
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