Latest Epiphany

Well. Here we are again in the dumps. Nice to see you hard feelings, how's the family? Its been a while, lets have another round of drinks POURED ON me :|

Its all because NO ONE will EVER love me more or as much as I love them. That's why I'm crazy. I mean, for a while I've been feeling like Gio doesn't love me anymore and doesn't even wanna be around me anymore and secretly he just wants to get out of this relationship but he's to chicken shit to say anything.
Now I love this boy. Dare I say more than anyone else. And I know I've gone through this issue on here before. But... Once again, I have to write this down or it will fester into another infectious puss wound on my heart.
Its the way I feel like he looks at me now, Like, "man. I once thought you were so killer amazing.... and now.... I see you. You're just another trashy bitch... but how to I tell you that?" And... It really hurts... I mean... He's not kissy anymore, He's still touchy sometimes. But i feel like we haven't kissed in forever. I may be wrong, we probably have but right now I'm blocking it out mentally for the sake of piling more shit on myself in the grave I've dug.
Today in the car I figured it out though. I was thinking of Gio, then I thought of the bad 'B' word and how I felt this EXACT way about him too! And the whole reason I've gotten depressed and crazy was because I felt like he didn't love me!
Its because NO ONE will ever be good enough for me. I will ALWAYS love the person I'm with more than they will EVER love me. And if they do love me, I will deny and deny it. I'm meant to be alone. I think I see it now. That's why I see no children in my future for myself, why I don't see me getting married, and dying early on in my life. Because I won't have a reason to stick around. I'm going to be miserably without love until the day I die.

Who Will Look After Me?

My biggest fear about Nora leaving is that no one gets me like she does. If she's so far away and doesn't know what's going on in my life, who will be there to discuss what's going on and guide me? I can't live my own life... I just can't. I almost don't know how to. Its ridiculas I know, but... I'm so lost without her. When Joseph comes back from Tennessee, will he still want to hang out with me? Will Amy? Becki? Anyone? Or did they only like me because Nora was there to iron out my awkward and annoying parts?
I don't want to be alone more than anything in the world. I need someone around to get me. I mean, Gio understands me almost completely, but even he gets confused and lost in my head sometimes. I just don't want to be alone.... I don't want to be the girl with no friends again. And sure I'll make new friends its an inevitable part of life, but... none like the ones I had... Nora, I don't know if I'll make it... :[

I need someone to help me. I can't do this alone.... Not again, not anymore....

	The Fray - Look After You .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Step-Dad

Amongst all of the other general life quarrels I struggle through, there's the "daddy issue". He rants at me every day, telling me my mother is a pig and a "cunt" by the way i HATE that word with a fiery passion, and he talks about how my mom isn't a good mother because she's like my best friend and not my mom and thats why I am the way I am, and he says he's sick of her being so selfish because everything's not about him and how he's not happy because we're in his life and he's about to pack up his shit and leave.
I hate when he does this. It just makes me want to cry. I mean... Its just been my mama and me since I was a baby. I mean, sure there was grandma and grandpa involved for the first few years to help raise me, but me and my mom have stuck together thick and thin. And this father figure I have now came in when I was about 5 years old, and everything was good, until I hit about 10 or 11. It was like I could do no right at that point. We could play and laugh, but if I made one unknowingly wrong move, he would get so angry with me. If i spilled anything I became a selfish pig. Clumsiness runs in my family, but it seems to be an unforgivable thought in his eyes. I tried to make him happy, but I guess I've always known that I wouldn't be perfect, so he would never like me enough, or be nicer to me.
Then when everything happened, he seemed to hate me so much and on one occasion he even called me "whore." I told my mom, but she didn't believe me, which only made the hate in my heart sting worse because it went without vengeance.
Today was no different, I got the whole ranting schbeal again, and he made a comment as to one day I would see my mother's follies and I would hate her too and blah blah blah. And I mean... My mom has some serious flaws. We all do. Does that make her an awful person? Absolutely not. i mean, sometimes Dad makes some valid points about my mother, but he shouldn't be so critical of her, he shouldn't throw bricks at glass houses when he lives in one.
I mean... I love my mom, and no matter what I'm on her side. She may, yes, annnoy the crap out of me sometimes, but I will NEVER side with anyone else, she's my mama. She gave up a lot to take care of and have me. Why would I think badly of a woman like that?
It just hurts to think about....

Off She Goes

Nora left yesterday. It was a day I've been dreading for longer than I like to think. She'd known she was going to move to Tennessee for quite some time now, but I guess I was just waiting for her to end up staying anyways. But as the time grew closer and closer for her departure, it became more and more real, and I cried sometimes, but tried to stay positive, though when Joseph decided to be a nut-tard, everything got so much harder to bare. Everything is fine with us now, we've seen each other a few times since the incidents I guess. Which is good.
But it seemed like everything went too fast and Nora seemed to run away in a sense. First they sold the house, her parents left, she stayed with me for a couple days, then she stayed at the her boss's house in what is called the crib which is a small house in a garage, and now she's gone. I feel like we didn't spend even a quarter of as much time together as we should have. I feel like I took her for granted all these years. Like I didn't care enough while she was here, I just figured, hey, she'll always be here, why worry? But now I have to worry because me and my best friend can't just go out for coffee and a chat anymore, no sleepovers, no just hanging around, no memories to share, only memories to tell one another. I'm so afraid that this will mean we'll lose touch and never see each other again, and slowly fade into each others memories. And I will try my hardest to make sure we stay close, She has been my everything forever, and I'm not going to give that up easily.
She gave me her hope when she left, though. She had a bracelet that she always wore that said "Hope" on it, and she said "my hope is yours now. I live by it and you should too" and I liked that. It made me feel a tiny smidge happier knowing that I had one more sentimental thing of hers to keep. I just wish I had given more to her.
So Nora is gone now, and all she left was teary lakes full of memories, love, and hope. I just wish I could keep her will all of that too.
But I'll see you soon, Nora. Even though I couldn't help you move in, I will come to visit, and we'll have coffee and talk and walk around and be silly just like always. I love you, Nora. You're the best friend a crazy girl could ask for. <3

Saying Goodbye Part 2

As we got closer and closer to the funeral home, my heart started to race. I started getting anxious and wanting to tell Nora to turn around and that I didn't want to go. But I never opened my mouth to say any of those things, so we found a lonely parking space, and walked in with some of the friends or family who knew her. I saw a few people I knew, and met Micki's Mamaw, who seemed a kind old woman. It took a little while for me to get through the door, but I followed a crying woman eventually, signed the guest book, took one of Micki's cards and moved into the main room. Seeing her on the other side of the room, still as can be made my eyes well up. I knew I would cry, and was surprised that I hadn't when I got out of the car. But I'd held strong til that moment. I stood in the middle of an aisle, just staring, crying, turning away, then looking back again. One of her friends came up to me, her face red and soaked with tears. We pulled each other into a hug. This girl was one of Micki's best friends, and was with her the night she died. She said that she was sorry, and I couldn't say anything back, she then told me that Micki absolutely loved me, and that she talked about me all the time. I started to cry a little harder and the girl pulled me back into a hug until she said she had to go find her mother. I was ashamed that I couldn't say anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've apologized to her since then. She said it was alright, and she meant what she said. That was a bittersweet feeling.
It took a long time to get up towards the front after that. But when I saw a mutual friend of ours who had journalism with us and was part of our tight-knit group of 4. I went up to her for a hug, then when she went to see Micki's mom, Nora asked me if I wanted to go too, and I agreed because I knew I wouldn't get myself up there alone. Her mother cried and cried. It seemed like every person who came to give her their condolences was like hearing her daughter had died all over again. She sobbed the whole time I was there. I felt so awful for her. Next came Micki.
Seeing her in her pretty coffin, laying with her headphones a pink leopard stuffed animal, and various bracelets laced around her little wrists, just made it all the more difficult. It ached in every part of me to see such a lively and vibrant girl so still, to know that she would never grace the company of the room with her presence again, and that she wouldn't be there to make any of us smile...ever....
We stayed for a while, I was again stuck in the back, wishing that I could get off of my numb butt, and let my feet carry me over to her to say my final goodbye. Lots of people came and went from her coffin, and I stayed, Nora holding tight to my hand and shoulder, waiting for my decision, very patiently. I am very thankful she did, I know how funerals and such make her feel. And I'm so glad she stayed with me. After a while I choked out that I was waiting for the last couple people by her coffin to go, then I wanted to say goodbye and we could go. She helped me stand when it came time, and waited behind me while I went up to her coffin alone, and told her I loved her, I missed her already, and said my final, whisper-sobbed, tearful goodbye. When I was ready as I was going to be I turned, and Nora lead me back out to her car. She then bought me ice cream, and shared a memory of Micki she had. It was just one, but she didn't know her well, though she knew how special she was to me and wanted to cheer me up.

Poetry-like for the moment:
The moon watched as the sun buried its competition behind a pair of bright headlights. R.I.P. Micki. You will be remembered always.

Saying Goodbye

Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter.
I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today.
I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real.
I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her.
I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive.
I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....

Micki

On the 17th a dear friend to me was struck by a car not far from here, and killed at about 9 o'clock, she was pronounced dead on the scene. She was only 15 years old.
The initial shock when I found out yesterday made me scream and cry and shout "No! No! No!" But honestly there was no amount of words that could bring her back.
Now, I had only known this precious girl since the beginning of my senior year, she was in Journalism with me after about the first week, she was one of two Freshman in the class, also making her one of the youngest members of the school paper's staff. I don't remember when we first talked, or what we said to each other, but I remember she was sweet and full of life, she just seemed so excited just to BE, and the silly girl had a thing for socks, ever new pair she got she had to show them off, it was the funniest damn thing you could ever see.
After spending only about an hour every day talking to her I began to realize, that my past was her present. She was almost exactly how I was when I was a freshman. We had a few differences of course, she was a tad crazier (meaning in a fun way) than me, and 2x as outgoing. She had a light inside her that touched everyone around her, she was....amazing really.
No tears come when I think of her now, I feel very devastated by the situation, but I can't imagine how her family and best friends feel about it, including the girl who was with her during the incident. Losing someone so precious after only being able to have her for 15 years must be 100x worse than anything I may feel right now, or last night or even when I found out. I hope that somehow I can get a message out to them that I'm sending condolences, and I know that I'll figure out a way.
Micki was a precious girl, there's no other way to explain her, she was very special, and bright, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see her smiling. It seems like this all went too fast... Like, now you see her now you don't. First your hugging her goodbye at school, the last time you see her, not knowing you would never see her again, and now she's dead.
There. I typed it, its true now. Micki is dead. It seems impossible, but she is. Now comes the confusion, where I am and have been since I calmed down from crying last night. I know what death is, I know what death means, but any connotation of that word added next to her name seems impossible. How a girl who was never able to just sit still, which made her beautiful and fun, how she has to stay still now forever seems impossible. Simply impossible, like, they must have made a mistake, she could never die. She wasn't supposed to die yet, she was supposed to die old and happy and warm in her bed when she's like... 90 okay? That was how it was supposed to go. But it didn't. I guess I keep waiting for her to log into facebook and see that all her friends said "rest in peace" and "i'll miss you" and "I love you" and she'll just be confused, and reply to everyone like "What's going on you guys? I'm only in Kentucky!" Because that's where she's from. She was so excited on Wednesday because she was going home for the summer. She was so excited. She was supposed to go there today....
Rest in Peace Micki. Guess this makes you a real angel now.

This is a video a couple of her close friends made for her:
You don't have to watch the whole thing, the last couple minutes are a montage of Micki. I love and miss her, and this made me cry a little.