Sorry I've been gone so long... if anyone reads this at all... Probably not, but a girl can wonder... The whole Gio thing has been on my mind a lot and given a little time to stop crying and cool down the following guilt and anger that arose from being dumped, I'm now able to write this and flirt with all the guys at work. Now. This freedom is completely bittersweet. The parts of me that have always had commitment issues is extremely happy just to live and let go, flirt around and enjoy the single life, while the other half of me is still kind of mourning the fact that Gio's lips wont touch mine anymore, nor will his hands be in mine, nor will I get to sleep in his arms, away from every little bad thing in my mind and in the world. Do I love him regardless of this situation? Of course, and I miss him, but if this is what will make him happy, I have to let him go. I love him too much to hold him back and hurt him anymore.
The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome.
He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone.
Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.
Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
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