I Wonder....

The other day I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps before i fell behind. I wanted very much to hyperventilate or something, but I held my composure. I did very well considering that it was the closest I'd been to you in months and months... over a year now. Its been a while. I couldn't help but wonder in those few steps we took together, if you even noticed it was me who was next to you. I wondered if it bothered you, if you felt it somewhere in that deep cavern where your heart should be. I think about things like this all the time. I wonder if you ever think of me, the way I think of you, a sort of missing you without feeling missing. If that makes sense. I can think about you, and wish things could go back to how they used to be, wish it could just be happy again, and i could go back to something that was so comfortingly familiar i never stopped coming back, even when it hurt me.
I wonder if you miss me too, I wonder if you sit and wonder where I've gone, if you even notice the fact that I've been gone for two years, and I'm not coming back. So you think of me the way I think of you? Are you angry with me? Do you know how much you tossed around my emotions, do you know how different you made me, and not much for good. I wonder if you know that you killed that light inside me, the one that Nora says drew everyone towards me, the one that made me shine so bright and so happy.
While I was with you I was so emotional... Every day was a turbulent rollercoaster ride, and it was usually pretty scary. More times than not we'd freak out too badly to be able to handle the ride.. and we would leave eachother again.
Maybe you think that I hurt you maybe you were hurt just as bad as you hurt me... I might never know...
I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps. And the fear inside me from being so close to you drew me back, along with a the small crowd surrounding us. I want to talk to you. I want to know what happened. I just want to remember and understand... I wonder every day if you can bring back all my memories. If maybe I talked to you once, I'd remember it all.... I wonder if you're the only way I can come back from the dead....