"Then: Imogene I didn't realize how much I'd missed Maxine until she finally got back and showed up at my front door on the first Saturday in August. No, that's not true. I'd missed her terribly and knew it the whole time she was gone. I'd tried not to think about it. Maybe I was her first best friend, but she was mine, too. Not having her around to talk to every day was like having a black hole in the middle of my life..."
The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint
Nora, Nora, Nora. I've discovered that I'm blogging/writing a lot more. I'm always writing in my yellow notebook and regurgetating its contents onto this webside. I never wrote or kept a journal before. I've never honestly had to. I've had Nora there for every moment I needed her. Since I really, truly started feeling the world and needing a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold she's been there. And now she's gone. We don't talk much and I'm sorry I took for granted that she'd always be there. I miss talking to her and telling her everything about what was going on in my head, and her doing the same for me, I miss having coffee with her, and knowing how she is and what she was up to almost all the time, and vise-versa. She was a Best Friend-Soul Mate.
My cousin said something that made sense to me the other day, she said that she believed that everyone has a bunch of soul mates, they're just soul mates, and loved in a different way. I knew then that Coral was one of mine.
Reading that part of The Blue Girl this morning, it hit me. I realized I've replaced not being able to talk to her with my blog. Everything I long to tell her I write right here.
I've started talking to Gio again. it was a little sudden. He re-requested my friendship on facebook, I accepted, wanting to know how he was, but mostly just wanting him to know that I was ready to be friends too. We didn't talk at all at first, but when we were both online it seemed like he posted a lot of statuses. Almost like he was trying to gather my attention the way we used to do when we broke up and remained facebook friends before. Then the shit went down with Mark and we broke up for that three minute span of time, and Gio Instant messaged me to see if i was okay. I didn't answer. That is- until a couple days later. I said thank you for messaging to find out if I was doing alright, and that I was sorry I didn't answer. He said it was fine and he just wondered because a mutual friend of ours told him that Mark seemed like he was really good for me. We talked a while, catching up with each other, Playing a bit of the "Hey, remember that time-?" game then we parted our online ways. We've talked a few times since then. And sometimes I really miss him. Miss the way he understood me, the way we talked and laughed and were. And I'm happy that we're friends again and can joke and talk like old times. But at the same time it's a really sad experience because I know how strongly I felt for him, and I know that if anything ever happened where for some crazy reason we got back together, we'd never be the happiness we once were.
Been thinking about Micki a lot lately, found the newspaper with the front page article on her death in one of my guinea pig's baskets under her cage. It said that she was hit from behind and that Sam, the girl she was with, had tried to pull her off the road. What was Micki thinking? I wonder what her last words were... I wonder why she didn't get out of the road. I wonder how the lady that hit her didn't see her. Maybe they were just past the crest of the hill... I also wonder if Nora's soul theory is correct, and everyone's destiny and the moves between birth and that destiny are planned out by us before we're born. If it's true, why would Micki choose such a fate. To abandon her body and life at the age of only 15. I also wonder if people secretly, subconsciously know they'll die young. Thats why the good die young. They want to leave their mark in the small amount of time they have... So they become those happy, fun, energetic, beautiful individuals, captivating as many people as they cane before they know they have to go. Which brings about another serious question: When its our time to die, do we instinctively know it? Which would/could mean that Nora's theory may be right... I think about her way more at night, Micki. And tend not to go over the speed limit but under by 5 or 10 when I'm driving home, depending on if someone's following me or not. Every roadside pedestrian I pass becomes her, and somehow, by safely passing them, I'm saving her, if only in the fragments of my memory. I wish she were still around. I miss her. I miss her too much.
Of course school has come again, as many know, and I will be attending college for the first time this year. As I will be commuting for the next year or so, I had to drive in today. We are having a few orientation days before school actually starts so we can all get more comfortable with one another, make new friends, yada ya. And it was relatively fun today. but a little boring as I was unmotivated. All I wanted to do was find where all my classes would be, straighten out my schedule, and get my final book. I ended up only getting my parking pass. thats it. :| Lame. But as I was trying to navigate my way around to get back home when it was all over, I turned onto Highway N. Now, this may not mean anything to anyone else, and I didnt give it a second thought when I turned onto it, but when I got to the junction i wanted to be at, I started crying. Across the road from the stop sign I was waiting at, was a Large, lacey-looking white cross, with vibrant, colorful, faux flowers surrounding its base. I remembered Micki. I my car was sitting on the road she had died on. I found myself unable to move for a little, and I hyperventilated a bit before taking a deep breath and moving on down the road, crying. It was a minor thing, but it has bummed me out quite a bit. Just another reminder of the beautiful life that was lost. I thought of her earlier in the day when I heard a boy in one of my groups talk about a friend who had died of cancer. He said that his friend was an amazing human being, never once raised his voice or got visibly angry at another person, and lived life happy and full, he made ever moment count. I wondered quietly as he spoke why all of the good people in the world had to die first. And I still wonder... I'll never stop wondering.
Sorry I've been gone so long... if anyone reads this at all... Probably not, but a girl can wonder... The whole Gio thing has been on my mind a lot and given a little time to stop crying and cool down the following guilt and anger that arose from being dumped, I'm now able to write this and flirt with all the guys at work. Now. This freedom is completely bittersweet. The parts of me that have always had commitment issues is extremely happy just to live and let go, flirt around and enjoy the single life, while the other half of me is still kind of mourning the fact that Gio's lips wont touch mine anymore, nor will his hands be in mine, nor will I get to sleep in his arms, away from every little bad thing in my mind and in the world. Do I love him regardless of this situation? Of course, and I miss him, but if this is what will make him happy, I have to let him go. I love him too much to hold him back and hurt him anymore. The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome. He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else? I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone. Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.
Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.
Gio's done, Gio's gone. For good this time. I miss him already. I love him so much. I wish I coulda fixed it. I'll write more when I get another feeling other than sadness..... and complete hopelessness... All I can say is that I feel connected with this video. Especially the very beginning when the color gets smashed.
Nora left yesterday. It was a day I've been dreading for longer than I like to think. She'd known she was going to move to Tennessee for quite some time now, but I guess I was just waiting for her to end up staying anyways. But as the time grew closer and closer for her departure, it became more and more real, and I cried sometimes, but tried to stay positive, though when Joseph decided to be a nut-tard, everything got so much harder to bare. Everything is fine with us now, we've seen each other a few times since the incidents I guess. Which is good. But it seemed like everything went too fast and Nora seemed to run away in a sense. First they sold the house, her parents left, she stayed with me for a couple days, then she stayed at the her boss's house in what is called the crib which is a small house in a garage, and now she's gone. I feel like we didn't spend even a quarter of as much time together as we should have. I feel like I took her for granted all these years. Like I didn't care enough while she was here, I just figured, hey, she'll always be here, why worry? But now I have to worry because me and my best friend can't just go out for coffee and a chat anymore, no sleepovers, no just hanging around, no memories to share, only memories to tell one another. I'm so afraid that this will mean we'll lose touch and never see each other again, and slowly fade into each others memories. And I will try my hardest to make sure we stay close, She has been my everything forever, and I'm not going to give that up easily. She gave me her hope when she left, though. She had a bracelet that she always wore that said "Hope" on it, and she said "my hope is yours now. I live by it and you should too" and I liked that. It made me feel a tiny smidge happier knowing that I had one more sentimental thing of hers to keep. I just wish I had given more to her. So Nora is gone now, and all she left was teary lakes full of memories, love, and hope. I just wish I could keep her will all of that too. But I'll see you soon, Nora. Even though I couldn't help you move in, I will come to visit, and we'll have coffee and talk and walk around and be silly just like always. I love you, Nora. You're the best friend a crazy girl could ask for. <3
As we got closer and closer to the funeral home, my heart started to race. I started getting anxious and wanting to tell Nora to turn around and that I didn't want to go. But I never opened my mouth to say any of those things, so we found a lonely parking space, and walked in with some of the friends or family who knew her. I saw a few people I knew, and met Micki's Mamaw, who seemed a kind old woman. It took a little while for me to get through the door, but I followed a crying woman eventually, signed the guest book, took one of Micki's cards and moved into the main room. Seeing her on the other side of the room, still as can be made my eyes well up. I knew I would cry, and was surprised that I hadn't when I got out of the car. But I'd held strong til that moment. I stood in the middle of an aisle, just staring, crying, turning away, then looking back again. One of her friends came up to me, her face red and soaked with tears. We pulled each other into a hug. This girl was one of Micki's best friends, and was with her the night she died. She said that she was sorry, and I couldn't say anything back, she then told me that Micki absolutely loved me, and that she talked about me all the time. I started to cry a little harder and the girl pulled me back into a hug until she said she had to go find her mother. I was ashamed that I couldn't say anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've apologized to her since then. She said it was alright, and she meant what she said. That was a bittersweet feeling. It took a long time to get up towards the front after that. But when I saw a mutual friend of ours who had journalism with us and was part of our tight-knit group of 4. I went up to her for a hug, then when she went to see Micki's mom, Nora asked me if I wanted to go too, and I agreed because I knew I wouldn't get myself up there alone. Her mother cried and cried. It seemed like every person who came to give her their condolences was like hearing her daughter had died all over again. She sobbed the whole time I was there. I felt so awful for her. Next came Micki. Seeing her in her pretty coffin, laying with her headphones a pink leopard stuffed animal, and various bracelets laced around her little wrists, just made it all the more difficult. It ached in every part of me to see such a lively and vibrant girl so still, to know that she would never grace the company of the room with her presence again, and that she wouldn't be there to make any of us smile...ever.... We stayed for a while, I was again stuck in the back, wishing that I could get off of my numb butt, and let my feet carry me over to her to say my final goodbye. Lots of people came and went from her coffin, and I stayed, Nora holding tight to my hand and shoulder, waiting for my decision, very patiently. I am very thankful she did, I know how funerals and such make her feel. And I'm so glad she stayed with me. After a while I choked out that I was waiting for the last couple people by her coffin to go, then I wanted to say goodbye and we could go. She helped me stand when it came time, and waited behind me while I went up to her coffin alone, and told her I loved her, I missed her already, and said my final, whisper-sobbed, tearful goodbye. When I was ready as I was going to be I turned, and Nora lead me back out to her car. She then bought me ice cream, and shared a memory of Micki she had. It was just one, but she didn't know her well, though she knew how special she was to me and wanted to cheer me up.
Poetry-like for the moment: The moon watched as the sun buried its competition behind a pair of bright headlights. R.I.P. Micki. You will be remembered always.
Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter. I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today. I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real. I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her. I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive. I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....
On the 17th a dear friend to me was struck by a car not far from here, and killed at about 9 o'clock, she was pronounced dead on the scene. She was only 15 years old. The initial shock when I found out yesterday made me scream and cry and shout "No! No! No!" But honestly there was no amount of words that could bring her back. Now, I had only known this precious girl since the beginning of my senior year, she was in Journalism with me after about the first week, she was one of two Freshman in the class, also making her one of the youngest members of the school paper's staff. I don't remember when we first talked, or what we said to each other, but I remember she was sweet and full of life, she just seemed so excited just to BE, and the silly girl had a thing for socks, ever new pair she got she had to show them off, it was the funniest damn thing you could ever see. After spending only about an hour every day talking to her I began to realize, that my past was her present. She was almost exactly how I was when I was a freshman. We had a few differences of course, she was a tad crazier (meaning in a fun way) than me, and 2x as outgoing. She had a light inside her that touched everyone around her, she was....amazing really. No tears come when I think of her now, I feel very devastated by the situation, but I can't imagine how her family and best friends feel about it, including the girl who was with her during the incident. Losing someone so precious after only being able to have her for 15 years must be 100x worse than anything I may feel right now, or last night or even when I found out. I hope that somehow I can get a message out to them that I'm sending condolences, and I know that I'll figure out a way. Micki was a precious girl, there's no other way to explain her, she was very special, and bright, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see her smiling. It seems like this all went too fast... Like, now you see her now you don't. First your hugging her goodbye at school, the last time you see her, not knowing you would never see her again, and now she's dead. There. I typed it, its true now. Micki is dead. It seems impossible, but she is. Now comes the confusion, where I am and have been since I calmed down from crying last night. I know what death is, I know what death means, but any connotation of that word added next to her name seems impossible. How a girl who was never able to just sit still, which made her beautiful and fun, how she has to stay still now forever seems impossible. Simply impossible, like, they must have made a mistake, she could never die. She wasn't supposed to die yet, she was supposed to die old and happy and warm in her bed when she's like... 90 okay? That was how it was supposed to go. But it didn't. I guess I keep waiting for her to log into facebook and see that all her friends said "rest in peace" and "i'll miss you" and "I love you" and she'll just be confused, and reply to everyone like "What's going on you guys? I'm only in Kentucky!" Because that's where she's from. She was so excited on Wednesday because she was going home for the summer. She was so excited. She was supposed to go there today.... Rest in Peace Micki. Guess this makes you a real angel now.
This is a video a couple of her close friends made for her: You don't have to watch the whole thing, the last couple minutes are a montage of Micki. I love and miss her, and this made me cry a little.
Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow? Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/ Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust. Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?
Giovanni,
I wonder if you see how much I miss you? How much I love you? Do you see it at all anymore? Lately it seems like you just don't care anymore, like you just want to get away from me when we're together, which hasn't been much for a while. You were going to come over Tuesday, but I said you couldn't because my dad would be home all week. Monday went the same, your dad took your truck and you were stranded at your abode. That was all well and good... But you never supplied an alternative. Its not all your fault, I never tried to think of anything else either, but, I mean... I guess I might have felt a little more secure in our relationship if I knew you even wanted to see me at all. Now I'm not blaming you, babe. I promise you that. This relationship is 50/50 and its my fault too. It just seemed like you didn't care... and that burned.
Your hair reminds me of last summer, when it was short like that. When everything was new and exciting and we'd do anything in our power to be near each other, hold hands, anything. And now look at us. We're.... Unhappy. Plain and simple. And you can't HONESTLY tell me that you're happy like this. If you do then you're a liar.
It was unnecessarily long pauses at stop signs to kiss, talking for hours in your car, making up words when we got nervous and tongue tied, all the nights we spent on dates that didn't always go the way you'd planned, and only pretending to watch movies while we talked and laughed and kissed. Those little things hat made me fall in love with you. Honestly, Gio, the moment we first kissed I knew I'd be in love with you. It took months and months to admit it, but I knew that we'd be in love. And even though I'm so opposed to that word sometimes, t he thought, scratch that, the knowledge that someone like you would love me made me SO happy. Every little bit of me was warmed by that sunset-pretty anticipation. I think that's what kept me going for so long. That night you said it was over, I've completely forgotten why I was upset in the first place, but ultimately, I was trying to push you away. Despite my opposition, I wanted you to tell me that you loved me, and I wanted to know you meant it like you were supposed to when you said it. The week or so before you broke up with me I was plagued. The thoughts that began our relationship weren't coming true. You hadn't said it, and I was starting to believe that you never would. Maybe you don't really, and maybe you never will. Maybe you only said it to appease me. I don't know. But I guess I was beginning to panic because I realized that NO ONE would love me. I mean, maybe "B" was right. I was lucky he loved me, because no one else would, so I pushed you away, not wanting to get hurt. Or started pushing anyways. I loved you, I had for a long while, and I knew you'd never love me back, I didn't want to get hurt again, and you were beginning to hurt me. Granted the breakup only lasted a short while, the freedom was bitter sweet. I loved you and wanted to keep you, but I wanted the both of us to be happy.
Your hair reminds me of happiness. All of these memories of us are dancing around in my head, in spastic and sometimes pretty circles, and I compare them to us now, and I wonder if you still care or if you're just going through the motions. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in. Are we staying out of comfort? I know I'm not. I LOVE you still. But do you want to stay together? Do you love me at all, Gio? If you do... Where are you? I miss you.
B- I practically stalk you on facebook, just so I can feel closer to you. I visit your FB almost every day, just to see if you've posted anything new, see what you're doing, or if you saw me, and cared to mention it. I keep hoping deep down that you will...
I remember the first time I looked at your profile, amongst the rubbish I saw:
"Just cleaned out my inbox and saw messages from an ex who i was madly in love with....:'-("
I wondered if you meant me, we used to email and stuff so much... and that was it, i came back nearly every day just to see if you posted anything new. If you mentioned me, if you thought of me, what you were doing and whatever else... then I saw:
"...cant get her to notice me. dis sucks guess ill move on. nothing else now"
And i decided you would never want me again, though I've stayed faithful to your FB and look at that status every time I went. The more I wondered who the girl you were talking about was, the more I hoped it was me, and the more I THOUGHT it was me.
I look at you/in your direction a lot when I walk into school. I know where you stand so well i can almost picture you there before I show up. You always seem to be looking to, or maybe its just me, but it always feels like you look back at me, like you wait to see me every morning, like i wait to see you.... I may not love you anymore, but my heart is still in your cruel hand, holding me back from really loving anyone else.... even Gio. I hate to say it, but sometimes I only feel like I'm pretending to love Gio...and that makes me so irrevocably sad.
B- Just get out of my heart.
Nora if you're reading this, dont get upset... & please don't tell Gio, I dont wanna hurt him anymore...
The other day I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps before i fell behind. I wanted very much to hyperventilate or something, but I held my composure. I did very well considering that it was the closest I'd been to you in months and months... over a year now. Its been a while. I couldn't help but wonder in those few steps we took together, if you even noticed it was me who was next to you. I wondered if it bothered you, if you felt it somewhere in that deep cavern where your heart should be. I think about things like this all the time. I wonder if you ever think of me, the way I think of you, a sort of missing you without feeling missing. If that makes sense. I can think about you, and wish things could go back to how they used to be, wish it could just be happy again, and i could go back to something that was so comfortingly familiar i never stopped coming back, even when it hurt me.
I wonder if you miss me too, I wonder if you sit and wonder where I've gone, if you even notice the fact that I've been gone for two years, and I'm not coming back. So you think of me the way I think of you? Are you angry with me? Do you know how much you tossed around my emotions, do you know how different you made me, and not much for good. I wonder if you know that you killed that light inside me, the one that Nora says drew everyone towards me, the one that made me shine so bright and so happy.
While I was with you I was so emotional... Every day was a turbulent rollercoaster ride, and it was usually pretty scary. More times than not we'd freak out too badly to be able to handle the ride.. and we would leave eachother again.
Maybe you think that I hurt you maybe you were hurt just as bad as you hurt me... I might never know...
I walked right by you. We were next to each other for four or five steps. And the fear inside me from being so close to you drew me back, along with a the small crowd surrounding us. I want to talk to you. I want to know what happened. I just want to remember and understand... I wonder every day if you can bring back all my memories. If maybe I talked to you once, I'd remember it all.... I wonder if you're the only way I can come back from the dead....
While she was in Tennessee, where she's moving to much too soon, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and I had to tell her what was on my mind.
"Nora, I have something to say. I LOVE you. You're my BEST friend, no one can come close to you, not Joeseph, not Zoey, Amy, Gio, anyone. And I'm really scared to lose you. I love you. I wish you didn't have to go, but at the same time, I'm so excited for you to start the new chapter in your life..... These next couple weeks will be so precious to me, because I'm afraid they're going to be made of the last times i get to spend with you for at least a really, really, really long time. :/ I love you, Nora, and no matter how far apart we are, nothing can change that. I just wanted you to know that now. Before you go... :] ♥"
She replied:
"And and I want you to know that you are so near and dear to me, Arielle, and you are a truly wonderful person, there would never be another like you! I would never replace you with anyone, no one could fill the shoes! And i so agree, i am scared, excited, happy and sad, to be leaving, but i know this isn't going to be the last i see of you, or of anyone else! and i plan on spending a load of time with you before i go, because i will miss you oh so very much, and i have faith in you that you will do well without me, and i want you to know that i am always just a phone call away, and hopefully when you get a cell phone, and text! haha :P But I'll love you to the end, you are my best friend! :D ♥"
In all honesty, Nora is my rock. That's just it. We've been friends for about 7 years, and she's been with me through it all. I couldn't bear to lose her. I just couldn't do it! I mean.... Even when I was so messed up, and all i could do was growl and snap at her, and she thought she would have to part from me to keep going on, she stayed. Something in her knew I needed her more in those moments than she needed to get away. The entire time I was with the Bad 'B' Word, she was with me, voicing her opinions when she knew i was unhappy, and lying to me when i looked happy. I thank her for that. But I wish I had listened to her every day of my life now. But seriously, Nora seems to know things about me that I don't know about myself. She understands people, way better than I ever could, she knows when they're poison, she's just.... too much to say in one small blog... I just don't know what I'll do without her. I've taken our friendship for granted for a long time. The saying, you dont know what you got until its gone? Sorta true, only for me, I feel like I didnt know what I have until she's packing all her stuff into little boxes and making trips back and forth to Tennessee, ready to start her new life. She says she thinks I'll be just fine without her, but Tennessee is so far from Wisconsin... too far....
Gio,
Its okay if you don't love me anymore. Really, I understand. I wouldn't love me either. It was really nice of you to pretend for me, though I'm really not sure why you did, or why you have. Its been over a week since you last said you loved me, even though we've seen each other or talked every day.. No... I take that back, You said it the other day, but it was more of a "I guess I'll say this and see if it finally makes you happy" seeing as I was in another funk. It was really nice of you to say it the way you did when you first said it... I was so happy you did. But i understand that you couldn't love me then, and you probably never will. It was really sweet to say it though... Thanks for trying? I guess.... I don't know what to say to you.... Just... That I wish it was you who would be the first to mean it when you said you loved me.
I guess wishes just need to stay in dreams where they belong. Right? Love,Yours Truly, Sincerely,
Arielle
