Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Hit On

I went out with an old friend whose name I wont mention. But this guy used to have a thing for me, like really hard. But we hadn't talked in years, so when he messaged me to say hi, I figured he was just talking, bored maybe, whatever shooting the shit. It happens. But he asked me to hang with him, so I accepted, having nothing better to do.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.