Self Help. It works! I think....

I'm starting to frequently ask the internet advice about my issues, anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, *cough cough That's recent* and you can really come across great things nad great tips on how to overcome fears and jealousy and insecurity and love yourself because that's the root of the problem.
Like...  a few months ago I was again becoming very prone to panic attacks and they'd just wreck and exhaust me like they did when I was in my early years of high school. I couldn't deal, it was awful, something would plague my mind and suddenly I wasn't breathing. Or that's how it felt, everything around me was tight, like and elephant was sitting on me, and when I'd finally come out of it, I'd lay down and sleep hours away, and wake up more exhausted. Soooo I looked it up online, and I found some really great tips on how to calm myself when I feel it coming on.

So, having issues with insecurity lately, and KNOWING Mark would never do anything to hurt me, I've been looking up ways to overcome insecurity both in relationships and in general and I came across a really cool article; Here! Here! Right here! Click meeeee!!! And reading over it, I can start to see more hope for myself and my relationship with Mark, because I'm kind of very in love with him, and I refuse to talk about our separation over my anxiety and insecurity. We're practically perfect for each other, he calms me, I calm him, we fit. And that's not something you let go of.

"Here's the thing, Arielle. People aren't fucking butterflies." - Mark after I said our relationship is like a butterfly, if you let it go, and it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.

And we're not. So I have to stop pushing him away. He's mine, and I love him, and he loves me, thick and thin, and that's all that matters. I just want to better myself so we can both be happier.

Besides, what's this blog about anyways? Not just my life. Its about helping MYSELF and showing the process so maybe I can help others find their strength and pull themselves through their issues :]

Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

A Letter to Mark (that I'll probably never send)

I initially typed it out on facebook.... But... I couldn't hit the send button. It all comes from an incident yesterday when we were laying together and I mentioned that today (the 12) would be the day that I said I'd be Mark's girlfriend 4 months ago. Technically its been 5 months because a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend I told him we could be exclusive. Meaning, I wasn't going to see anyone but him...

"I would have texted you this but its so much less time consuming and easier for my fingers to say what I want this way anyways. Plus this means I don't have to send you like.... 40 texts and wake your silly butt up and all that jazz.... I hope you don't see this while I'm around... Or maybe its better that you do? I'm really not sure, but I know that you may not get this right away... And that's alright, because I feel it right now, I don't believe that it's going to change, and that's all that matters.
5 months. Technically. that's not a bad thing at all I don't want you to think that I think its a bad thing... Does that make sense? I mean... Technically its 5, though I know I only agreed to be your girlfriend 4 months ago, but one month before that I stopped seeing everyone else so I could be with you.
When I first realized that I was happy you know? Like... Wow... its been 5 months and it seems like such a short time that we've been together. Then I thought of my routine of coming to see you on Saturday mornings (that hasn't been happening lately but whatever) And how I come to see you on Monday. then again on Tuesday, and once more still on Wednesday. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other and that isn't what this is about. But I thought again of the Word "Routine" then I heard someone from my past say "Boring" in my head. And I asked myself, "Am I happy? Is this 'routine' healthy?" And I got scared because suddenly I couldn't remember. Like... I knew I was and I know I AM happy with you and I like what we do and how we are. So that's not really the point. And the Healthy question was more of something from the past I realize because I've sectioned myself off to one person before and I couldn't tell if maybe I was doing it again... But.... I don't really know where this is going anymore so Ima tell you the rest of it.
Anyways.... So... I thought of the number 5 and its significance and the fact that its one small skip away from 6, and 6 months... that's half a year. Thats where my "Thats a long time" came from. Because all these thoughts rushed me, and I realized that 6 is half of 12 (silly I know but stick with me here okay?) 12 is one year.... an entire year. And that seems so ungodly scary to me, and when I realized it (a very quick thing it was) My stomach just dropped, like its doing now... And I started to worry. I just thought 5 months is one off of half a year and that much closer to an unpredictable time when you feel that stupid L word and end up saying it. I don't want you to. I can't help it I know I told you I'd try to.... I dunno... Deal with it? Nah, that sounds to harsh... Like... I really hope you know what I mean.... But it scares the ever living shit out of me. I like the way things are right now, I don't want anything to confuse or derail it. I don't want you to end up making me feel anymore than..... well... anymore than I have to and then go. And I know you're not everyone else, believe me the contrasts are through the roof on that one.... But I mean... Does this make ANY sense to you? I really hope it does and you're like... not angry or something.... :/ I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking.... What I AM thinking...."

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Alright, Breathe Bitch

Alright, so Mark made it clear- No love yet. THANK GOD! Or whoever may be listening. He had me really worried there. I didn't even have to ask him straight out. The easing answer came via text. I'd sent him "liiiiikkkeee" or some variation there of because, well... That's kind of our thing. We'll tease eachother then say something like "Liiike" or "Like you!" Silly shit like that. So I said it and got back "Loooo..." and then he put something like GOT YOU! and made a mention about how it wasn't true "Yet."
This wave of releif filled me up, happiness, Straight Up. It's a good day.

Party? I'll Pass

Gio mentioned again about his Grad party to me, which is on Saturday. And I'd declined and declined until today when he asked yet again. Why did I say no? His family will be there, and what if I have a breakdown or i get too nervous and too awkward, I'm not smart like them, I'm really not smart at all, I don't have the.... whatever it is that other people do that make them like me. People generally hear me talk, look me over, label me "Freak" and walk away. Right?
And I wasn't worried, today through some random fit of confidence, but then he said two of his female friends were gonna be there, Ali and Nika. I get mixed messaged from him about Nika, he "hates" her, but talks to her, and invites her to his grad party? Am I missing something crucial here? Should I be worried?
But Ali worries me more. Two weeks ago we went to a mutual friend's graduation, and I'd been wigging out for nearly that entire week, and we didnt talk much at the party, and there was silence on the car ride there, but when Ali walked in, his full attention went to her, and I was left in the dust to sulk all by my lonesome self.... I fought not to cry in front of nearly complete strangers, I knew most of the people, but not well enough to be comfortable enough to cry at the party.
Gio says all the time that Ali is very dear to him, and I understand that, she's helped him through some of the most difficult times of his life, and Im glad she was there for him, and He says all the time, well not all the time, but whenever he's in a contemplative mood, that he misses her because they never talk anymore. I dont mind so much that his attention went to her, they had a lot to catch up about, but.... I guess it was the fact that he didn't acknowledge me for nearly a half hour... And by that time I was so fed up I just snapped at him, and ignored him, then ended up getting up, apologizing to Maggie and walked the long miles home.
Gio had gotten up like i was such an inconvenience when I told him I had to go and stood, I walked to Maggie, though she was surrounded by family taking pictures so I waited. Gio got up a minute or so after me, and asked if i was ready to go. I gave him my best "are you fucking retarded" look and told him outright I was walking, and I didnt want to interrupt him or be an inconvenience while he stayed with his friends. I then hugged Maggie, and left.
Am I right to not want to go? Is that okay or am I completely daft? I just don't want to be left out in an already awkward situation... I hate parties to begin with.

Facebooking Records of the Bad 'B' Word

B- I practically stalk you on facebook, just so I can feel closer to you. I visit your FB almost every day, just to see if you've posted anything new, see what you're doing, or if you saw me, and cared to mention it. I keep hoping deep down that you will...
I remember the first time I looked at your profile, amongst the rubbish I saw:

"Just cleaned out my inbox and saw messages from an ex who i was madly in love with....:'-("

I wondered if you meant me, we used to email and stuff so much... and that was it, i came back nearly every day just to see if you posted anything new. If you mentioned me, if you thought of me, what you were doing and whatever else... then I saw:

"...cant get her to notice me. dis sucks guess ill move on. nothing else now"

And i decided you would never want me again, though I've stayed faithful to your FB and look at that status every time I went. The more I wondered who the girl you were talking about was, the more I hoped it was me, and the more I THOUGHT it was me.
I look at you/in your direction a lot when I walk into school. I know where you stand so well i can almost picture you there before I show up. You always seem to be looking to, or maybe its just me, but it always feels like you look back at me, like you wait to see me every morning, like i wait to see you.... I may not love you anymore, but my heart is still in your cruel hand, holding me back from really loving anyone else.... even Gio. I hate to say it, but sometimes I only feel like I'm pretending to love Gio...and that makes me so irrevocably sad.
B- Just get out of my heart.

Nora if you're reading this, dont get upset... & please don't tell Gio, I dont wanna hurt him anymore...

Notes to Norah

While she was in Tennessee, where she's moving to much too soon, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and I had to tell her what was on my mind.

"Nora, I have something to say. I LOVE you. You're my BEST friend, no one can come close to you, not Joeseph, not Zoey, Amy, Gio, anyone. And I'm really scared to lose you. I love you. I wish you didn't have to go, but at the same time, I'm so excited for you to start the new chapter in your life..... These next couple weeks will be so precious to me, because I'm afraid they're going to be made of the last times i get to spend with you for at least a really, really, really long time. :/ I love you, Nora, and no matter how far apart we are, nothing can change that. I just wanted you to know that now. Before you go... :] ♥"

She replied:

"And and I want you to know that you are so near and dear to me, Arielle, and you are a truly wonderful person, there would never be another like you! I would never replace you with anyone, no one could fill the shoes! And i so agree, i am scared, excited, happy and sad, to be leaving, but i know this isn't going to be the last i see of you, or of anyone else! and i plan on spending a load of time with you before i go, because i will miss you oh so very much, and i have faith in you that you will do well without me, and i want you to know that i am always just a phone call away, and hopefully when you get a cell phone, and text! haha :P But I'll love you to the end, you are my best friend! :D ♥"

In all honesty, Nora is my rock. That's just it. We've been friends for about 7 years, and she's been with me through it all. I couldn't bear to lose her. I just couldn't do it! I mean.... Even when I was so messed up, and all i could do was growl and snap at her, and she thought she would have to part from me to keep going on, she stayed. Something in her knew I needed her more in those moments than she needed to get away. The entire time I was with the Bad 'B' Word, she was with me, voicing her opinions when she knew i was unhappy, and lying to me when i looked happy. I thank her for that. But I wish I had listened to her every day of my life now.
But seriously, Nora seems to know things about me that I don't know about myself. She understands people, way better than I ever could, she knows when they're poison, she's just.... too much to say in one small blog... I just don't know what I'll do without her.
I've taken our friendship for granted for a long time. The saying, you dont know what you got until its gone? Sorta true, only for me, I feel like I didnt know what I have until she's packing all her stuff into little boxes and making trips back and forth to Tennessee, ready to start her new life. She says she thinks I'll be just fine without her, but Tennessee is so far from Wisconsin... too far....

Selfish or Saintly?

I woke up thinking less about the crap that's happened, and more about the selfishness I've carried for the past four years or more. Is it just adding to my selfishness to have a blog? A place I can go to talk more and more about myself? And is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? There is always a certain degree of egocentrism when you're trying to "find yourself" and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I've felt lost for four years, and I think it's time to relocate the girl I used to be, have a chat with her, spot the differences and similarities and figure myself out.
I hope that isn't too self-centered of me. I feel like I spend much too much time as it is thinking about myself and disregarding the feelings and thoughts of the people around me, the people I love.
I'm excruciatingly glad, though, that they've stayed with me so long, through thick and thin, they're true friends. They know my tendencies to be a little of the bad kind of crazy, and I know I've probably hurt them more times than I've acknowledged, but they still seem to love me, that's a beautiful thing.
Maybe this is a good thing, I'm deterring the issues from them to the internet. Oh how this could backfire. But I'm saving them from the miseries and woes of being around the crazy-psychotic part of me. I think that's the way I'll look at it.
Note to self:
Don't forget to think more of them.