Ugh. :|

Walking into your house is never exciting when your parents are arguing.
My step-dad is the insecure type, and the more I listen to them bicker about how he thinks she's going out and fucking around on him, the more I realize I need to clear up my own insecurity. I'm not going to live like those two. Its fucking insane. I've got to get my shit together. :|

Self Help. It works! I think....

I'm starting to frequently ask the internet advice about my issues, anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, *cough cough That's recent* and you can really come across great things nad great tips on how to overcome fears and jealousy and insecurity and love yourself because that's the root of the problem.
Like...  a few months ago I was again becoming very prone to panic attacks and they'd just wreck and exhaust me like they did when I was in my early years of high school. I couldn't deal, it was awful, something would plague my mind and suddenly I wasn't breathing. Or that's how it felt, everything around me was tight, like and elephant was sitting on me, and when I'd finally come out of it, I'd lay down and sleep hours away, and wake up more exhausted. Soooo I looked it up online, and I found some really great tips on how to calm myself when I feel it coming on.

So, having issues with insecurity lately, and KNOWING Mark would never do anything to hurt me, I've been looking up ways to overcome insecurity both in relationships and in general and I came across a really cool article; Here! Here! Right here! Click meeeee!!! And reading over it, I can start to see more hope for myself and my relationship with Mark, because I'm kind of very in love with him, and I refuse to talk about our separation over my anxiety and insecurity. We're practically perfect for each other, he calms me, I calm him, we fit. And that's not something you let go of.

"Here's the thing, Arielle. People aren't fucking butterflies." - Mark after I said our relationship is like a butterfly, if you let it go, and it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.

And we're not. So I have to stop pushing him away. He's mine, and I love him, and he loves me, thick and thin, and that's all that matters. I just want to better myself so we can both be happier.

Besides, what's this blog about anyways? Not just my life. Its about helping MYSELF and showing the process so maybe I can help others find their strength and pull themselves through their issues :]

Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

Coming Back and Catching up

Wow! I haven't written anything in here for like... a thousand years!!! What was the last thing I even posted in here?! *view blog in new tab... wait 5 minutes because computer is sllooowwwww....*

Holy Cow! The last post is something in particular that's been plaguing me lately.... Funny how history repeats itself.

Anywayssssss Lemme see....

I quit my hostessing job.... That was amazing, the management was just way too insane for me, they demanded too much while i made too little and the people (not the ones I worked with, they were all absolute dolls!!) that came in were soooo HORRENDOUS!

I'm now working as a front desk clerk at a hotel, its way more relaxed especially with my busy school schedule, first time taking 15 credits and its kiiiinnnda exhausting!

Lets see, what else?

Oh!! Great news! Nora moved back, but not without a horde of drama following her. But me And Joseph did go get to see her place in Tennessee in, what was it? March? I don't remember. But it was a great experience, maybe i'll tell you sometime.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that I've been with Mark for over a year now! I know! CRAZY!!! INSANITY!! CAN'T BE TRUE! But it is and I'm very happy about it.

I don't think about the bad b word as much, and he doesn't plague my thoughts so much as he did in the past, but I still have a lot of insecurity to work through because of the pain he's caused me... I do still periodically want to get into contact with him... Just talking about him makes me want to go straight to his facebook page and click 'request friendship' but I still refrain.

Lets see... I can't think of much more, but I'll probably think of something later

Not the Only One Wanted

Sometimes when I'm in relationships it feels like I'm not the only one the guy wants. I may be one of those people, but it seems like his eye may be on more than one other person, when I really just want it to be on me. Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel so much of it right now.

Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Stay the Night

We spent the night together Saturday night. Mark went to his brother's bachelor party dinner, but opted out of the gambling in Milwaukee and came to stay the night with me. We sat and watched Harry Potter (the 5th and 6th ones) because he hadn't seen them yet. And I fed him left over lasagna by the end of the night. He thought it was delicious, I told him his taste buds were retarded or totally skewed because it was a single serving microwave dinner kind of thing.
Anyways, back to Harry Potter:
Having seen the movies, hear about them, and read their cooresponding books I wasn't too kean on watching them again, but I complied. I had told him to pick out a movie, and not wanting to argue over it or decide for three hours I said totally. His commentary on the 6th was a lot more than hilarious. He didn't like the pointless relationship sub-plots, and thought they were too prominent in the movie. He was right.
It was hard not to tell him what was going to happen when he was talking about his thoughts on how the next movie would go, and wondered mildly how it would end. (He, unlike me, hasn't read all the books so he doesn't actually know). But it was hard for me not to give any spoilers out.
After that I told him I wanted to go to bed, and I did, I'd slept through half of the 6th movie and "snored in my ear like this-" Mark said, then pressing his face to mine, making light, fuzzy snoring noises. I just laughed, only a little embarassed because he thought it was funny and cute rather than gross and annoying.
It was nice to have his arms around me all night. And I mean, ALL NIGHT. Almost like the times I spent the night with Gio. Though the bed I slept in with Gio was much bigger and a thousand times more comfortable. Plus Gio didn't sleep all night without moving much or making a peep. But it was just as nice. Different than the last time i spent the night with a boyfriend, but still wonderful.
Waking up is always the best. There was a lot of laughter and we sat there together a while and he tried to defeat a puzzle game I'd shown him a little while back. I helped him the last time he tried it, and we won it together. Then we went out for breakfast where nothing too exciting happened but it was a nice, still fun. Then he dropped me off back home and went to his friend's to watch football.
Overall a good time I think <3

Alright, Breathe Bitch

Alright, so Mark made it clear- No love yet. THANK GOD! Or whoever may be listening. He had me really worried there. I didn't even have to ask him straight out. The easing answer came via text. I'd sent him "liiiiikkkeee" or some variation there of because, well... That's kind of our thing. We'll tease eachother then say something like "Liiike" or "Like you!" Silly shit like that. So I said it and got back "Loooo..." and then he put something like GOT YOU! and made a mention about how it wasn't true "Yet."
This wave of releif filled me up, happiness, Straight Up. It's a good day.

L Word Woes

Sooo... Mark Loves me? I don't like it. it's too soon. It's just too much too soon.... Is it love or just ultra lust or am I just panicking? I mean, maybe now he's not so much dancing around it as he's tiptoeing closer and it freaks me out. Or maybe he's mentioning it the same as usual ad since our recent relationship based conversation, I'm being hyper-sensitive to it. But the undeniable thing is that he eluded to it.
I was snuggling up on his Cat Rufus, and petting him and whatnot And I was like "oohh lookit how cute you are, Mr. Man!!" And Mark was over trying to fix his computer and was like "why thank you!" but I really wasn't listening to him, I heard him, but I ignored him really, and I was like "I love you sooo much!!" to the cat, and then I heard Mark say "Now I KNOW you're not talking to me", and he came over and stood next to me and the cat (we were on his bed), and I was scruffing up the cat and saying "and I know you love me too!!" And Mark was quiet a second and said "probably more" and I assumed he was talking about more than I loved the cat so I was like "nooooo" but at the same time Mark said "More than me...." I just kinda ignored it and didn't make eye contact with him, and he stood there kinda awkwardly for a second... Because I just didn't know what to do.
No. It must be some kind of mistake in my mind. I'm just overreacting because he said while telling me he didn't want to lose me ever that the feelings he had for me could be equated as love...
I must be over-thinking way too into this. He must be trying to prepare me for it. But he gets so awkward when he says anything about it. Awkward really isn't his style... I'm not sure what to think... But I MUST be overreacting. There's no other explanation, no way in hell he could be in love yet. Just. No. Way. Bur he said he thought I was "the one" as in "THE ONE" The BIG one... The only one for him... UGH! What am I gonna do with this mess?
I just don't know... All my fear and anxiety is focusing on this aspect of my life. I have to disprove this. I have to know if he loves me or not so I can truly rest easy when he says "no" and I have a real reason to freak out if he says "yes".

Some Bullshit Went Down

This is an e-mail I wrote to Nora because I'm too lazy to re-write the bullshit that went down with Mark.

"Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, but I got lots of time now!
Alright, so, of course, like i felt and did to Gio, I felt like Mark had some kind of ulterior motive to be with me, because who would want to be with me for me? right? Yeah, and I know thats not true but, i totally felt that way about it :/ and it happens sometimes. Also, as you know I'd told him what happened my sophomore year, and I let him in farther than I've let any other boyfriend in, and that scared the crap outa me, you know? I mean, the more you know about someone the more you have in your arsenal to hurt them with, and thats the way I saw it. It scared me, so I started pushing him away by attacking him, and I was starting all this shit with him the other night. I was trying to push him to the edges of leaving me and all this other stuff even though, like with Gio, I didn't want him to go. But I kept pushing and pushing. even though I knew it was wrong.
I figure its because I didn't learn from my relationship with Gio- history repeats itself.
Anyways, so the next morning I get a text from him basically saying he wanted to come by my house and get the stuff of his that I have.
So i was like "does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
and he was like "well yeah because I can't deal with your pointless arguing" and the fact that I can't believe anything he says or I think that he's lying all the time.
And for a while we argued about it and said some shit we didn't mean, and after I started feeling bad about saying those things, I apologized, and our conversation turned momentarily serious, and he said that he just couldn't date me if we had such chasms between us and stuff and I was like yeah i understand.
Then somehow we started joking around with each other, talking about Mermaids in my jeans and asshats and crazy funny shit, because the pressure of relationship status wasn't weighing down on me, and somehow I can always open up way easier to guy friends than boyfriends. And he started realizing what he was losing in me; all the things he liked and yada ya.
Then he started saying things mid texts about how he really didn't want to break up and how he really thought we could make it work, and the last text about it was actually really cute, he was talking about all the things about me he liked so much that he wouldn't get to have anymore, he said something like: "i'm really going to miss the massages, the face, the smile, the laughs, the tits and vag..... And the Farkle in the background" lmao that last part probably doesnt make sense to you so I'll explain, when I go to his house, He sometimes plays xbox so I sit on his computer and fuck around on facebook and usually end up playing this game Called Farkle. And he thinks the music this game plays when you fail is hysterical, and he makes fun of it all the time. But I thought that was the cutest thing ever "... And the farkle in the background" lmao!! Anyways, so he came over and we talked a while, and I didn't wanna break up and he didn't wanna break up cuz we're both too stubborn lol and we just decided not to. But when we were talking he was explaining how he felt about me, saying like, he knew he would never find a girl like me, you know, someone who liked anime, let him play video games without really freaking out, made him laugh, and just liked being around him. That was cute. Then he said something about how, how he felt for me was what a lot of people would consider Love, and I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me he loved me there or not.... But i just kinda made a face and let him get on with his little speech."

He just kept saying that I worked well with him, that we were good together and he couldnt find anyone within an outlining state radius, and If he couldnt have me, he didnt really want anyone."
Needless to say that bullshit is over and we're all good now.

Pressure

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how serious are you about my brother?" Was Mark's sister's question to me a few weeks back.
Naturally, having only dated the guy a month and some weeks at the time, I didn't know how to answer such a question. Was she asking if I would cheat on him? The answer to that is "No", Was she asking if I was in love with him? Again, "No", Was she asking if I wanted to live happily ever after and get married to him or if we're soul mates, or if he's the one for me and I the one for him? No comment, because I don't know those answers yet. That one question was loaded with so many possibilities it made my head spin.
Before and since this question was presented to me, playful comments have been made about me and Mark living together, getting married, things of that nature, and for the most part I thought it was teasing, and not an expectation.
Apparently, Mark's mother, having met and gotten to know me, and see me around her son, has decided that I am the one for him and we're eventually going to move in together, get married, and probably produce some offspring. From the way that Mark's sister acts and talks about his and my relationship, she feels the same way.
I feel an over abundance of outstandingly unnecessary pressure to stay with him at this point. Like, if I don't the world is going to implode on itself.
I mean, I know it won't and what happens, happens, and if we don't stay together, everything will be fine, and it wasn't meant to be.
But all the same, I can feel that pressure squeezing down on me. I really like Mark, and I don't want to break up with him any time soon, but honestly, can I get a little space with the guy over here? I feel a little choked. Especially since what proceeded Mark's sister's question was, "Have you guys done it yet?"
Again, how do I answer this. Why would she want to know? I told her no, and she said good, and that I should wait a REALLY long time. I think she's cock-blocking at this point but you never know.
I mean, I don't mind talking to her about Mark, but at some point this has GOT to stop.
This pressure is completely uncalled for to me, I mean, I've been dating him for two months. I am by no means ready for "Til Death Do You Part" or a "Happily Ever After" with him. I want things to be simple. Goodness knows we both deserve some simplicity in relationships at this point.
And for the most part "simple" is how we roll.
But his family worries me.

Romantic Moment from My Mouth

The look on Mark's face when I said "No, that was one of the things on my list." was a wonderful thing.
I was happily burying my face one of his clean shirts, fresh from his closet and then twisted around my hands, the one I've recently stolen, and he said something about how it wouldn't smell like him because he hadn't worn it yet. That was when I said "No, that was one of the things on my list." He got this particularly cute look on his face- intrigued and flattered, almost excited to see into my mind and part of what I'd blogged about him.
"You're made up of different smells. Completely different scents that combine to make you." And I poked his belly when I said "you" He smiled and I went on, touching different parts of him as I spoke about them, "your soap," I touched his face, "Shampoo," ran my fingers through his soft bark blonde hair, "Clean cloths" I felt and took hold of the hem of hist shirt, rubbing it between my fingers for a moment, "and of course your deodorant." I pointed to his armpits, not about to poke them.
He just smiled, and I smiled back.
Thinking on it I wish I had told him that I would take any of the pieces of his scent with me, But his cloths were easy and made it feel like I was wrapped up in him when I went to sleep. He may have smiled wider.

Surprises

After school I stopped at walmart on my way home to buy some school supplies for an extra credit opportunity in English, and the gobstoppers as an apology gift to his royal ever-so-right-high-n-ass. :] I was extremely excited, I love surprises, I love doing things for people that will make them smile and be happy, and this was something I could do for Mark that would make him happy and help him understand I meant it when I said I was sorry.
I went home and immediately got to work on the project at hand. It took some time to find the exact right wrapping paper to go around the gobstopper boxes, I wanted something brown, and at first I tried a brown paper bag but found that it was much too thick, so I moved to tissue paper. The first layer was black so that he wouldn't be able to see what I was giving him through the brown and the message I wanted to write on it.

Mark, You were right.
I'm sorry.
<3 Arielle

I then put it in a small, shiny, blue gift bag, tied up the handles with curly white ribbons and made a tag that said "Mark" On the outside, and when you opened it it said "Open it!"
I knew that he would be home from work very soon at that point, so I got ready for work myself, and sped over to his house, driving like a total asshole all the way there because I didn't want him to beat me there and ruin the surprise.
I was absolutely giddy on the way there, my heart was racing and pounding, I was so excited for him to see! We hadn't really spoken all day so it would be 100 times better for him to get home and see that I'd apologized.
I pulled into the driveway just as I knew he would be let off from work, and ran in, placing the bag on the circular chair in his room, and ran back out.

It took a long time for me to get a message from him while I was at work, and after getting nervous that he didn't like it or thought it a weak attempt I texted him to see if maybe he just didn't say anything because I was working, or again, he thought my appology to be lame.
Not the case at all.
He said he'd stopped at his friends, and soon was on his way back home. I knew when he got there, because he sent me a text saying what a wonderful gift he'd gotten from someone, and how he forgave me and that He really loved the gift and the message it sent.
Success. :]

I Was Wrong... But Only a Little

I admit it, I over reacted the other day. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but Mark was right. I hate letting him know that. I wiggged out a little because he was playing video games the whole time we were together and I was trying to get him to pay attention to me, and he wouldn't. He paid a little attention to me but didn't give me what I wanted.
"I'm sorry" He'd said, "It won't happen again."
"But it will." I replied
"What makes you think that?"
"You're a guy..."
"So now you're generalizing me." He said a faint questioning in his voice.
"A Little." I hummed into his chest as he held onto me.
He really didn't like that, he also said that he felt a little used, seeing as I wanted some "alone" time with him. He wondered if we had to every time we were together, saying he really likes to, but seeing as he was a little sore, he wasn't all that up to it. Later on I made the complaint that any time he wanted sex he had to have it and if I said no, he'd grump about it and say "You never want to" which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to. So I do it, and don't get me wrong, I really love sex with Mark, but sometimes I don't feel like it. So like I said, I do it because he's paying attention to me and I like that. Once again, I wanna make it clear, I like sex with him so it's no big deal, I also like spending time with him whether or not he's necessarily paying attention to me or not. Sometimes I just want to be in the same place as him, so I don't care if we're not talking or doing something together, as long as he's around I'm happy.
He made a mention that I needed to be more demanding when I want something, but that's really not in my nature. He also took note to himself that he needed to be more demanding when he knew I need to calm down because I'm over reacting.
He's right, and sometimes I hate that.
I can easily admit when I'm wrong after a little thought on the subject, But right now I don't want to come straight out and say it.
I'm so used to boys siding with me when I'm upset, but Mark is a whole new ball of wax.
I think I'll buy him gobstoppers to apologize. Put them in a fancy bag and leave them on his door step or something...

Simply Mark.

And even if your whisper eats my ear, your voice shall be the only song I long to hear...

One thing A Few things A Big list of things I Adore about Mark

• The way his eyes roll back in his head when he kisses me, like it's the most sensationally mind numbing experience of his life
• The simple, sleepy smile he gets on his face when I rub/pet/scratch the back of his neck while he's driving
• The way he seems to get so much joy out of tickling me and hearing me laugh like that
• The way he "nom nom" kisses my neck while he's tickling me
• The "nom nom" kisses in general
• How he always answers his phone when I call while we're arguing, no matter how angry he may be
• He'll argue with me, because he's as invested in helping "us" to work out as I am
• The way he looks at me
• The way he touches my face when we're laying together
• The way he holds me close and tight when we fall asleep
• The way he kisses me before I can kiss him
• His silly "kiss me" face
• His face... well, his appearance in general. Let's face it, he's a pretty handsome guy!
• The way he puts his arms behind my shoulders and his hands in my hair and lets his face lean so close to mine when he's on top when we're going at it ;]
• How he doesn't have one particular smell, but a combination, shampoo, soap, laudry detergent/fabric softener, and deodorant. There's always something to pick out.
• The tone change in his voice after he's argued with someone in the house, then talks to me
• How his sense of humor matches mine
• How he can make me laugh even when I don't want to
• How he tries to get me to tell him whats on my mind when I'm upset
• How he helps, how he talks to me when I tell him what's wrong and he suddenly seems so much older than he is
• The way he walks and shakes his butt a little sometimes. So cute.
• The way I could look at him for hours and not get sick of it, only finding more things to like about him
• The way he looks when he sleeps
• The way his face smooshes to the pillow when he lays on his side
• How he always thinks of me when he's making his grocery selection
• How he just kind of collapses when I rub his cute little bottom
• The way we can tease each other and always know we're joking
• But say something when the other makes a jab thats a little too hard
• How he'll always accept me for who I am, and forgive my shortcomings
• All of those annoying things he does, especially how he's always right, because without those stupidly annoying things, he wouldn't be the Mark that I care so much about.

Fear, Not Sorrow

Watch out, this is a long one. A lot of stuff had happened when I wrote this, and it's about 5 of the pages in that yellow notebook.
Also this wasn't actually yesterday, i'm just typing down what I wrote in my notebook. I believe the date of this was actually the 7th but I can't QUITE recall....


Yesterday wasn't all that awesome, but it ended better than I expected I've been a little hormonal for the past few days, so I haven't quite been myself. Also, yesterday I started working out, so I was sore. So I texted Mark to see if he'd come by my house to get me. He was off work by the time I got home, but I wanted to take a shower and such. He said "K, I'll leave soon" I watched the Big C while I waited, after which I didn't get anything from him, so I started watching Weeds and getting a little impatient. About half way through I got a text that just said "Soon" So I replied "If You say so" to which I got a few question marks. I then proceeded to go on about how he said soon over an hour ago and I didn't believe that soon meant what it implied.
My phone started ringing almost right after I sent that text. Mark then explained that he had lost track of time while on skype with one of his friends. Of course I was a little more than upset. Then we had a back and forth of "whats wrong?", "nothing", "whats wrong?", "its not important", "Arielle, what's wrong?", "I just told you." He huffed a little and argued a bit. But ended up saying he was on his way and he'd text me when he got to my place. That's our thing, we text to say "here" before coming in.
So he did that, but stayed in his car, so I went outside and got in his car. He once again asked me what was wrong, his sad eyes looking grey. Once again, I told him it was nothing, but we both knew that something was wrong. We stayed silent through the while 10 minute car ride that seemed so much longer even though he sped a little. We remained silent for a few hours. It was god awful. I texted Joseph multiple times wondering if he might be able to come and get me but I could never give him a straight answer of if i wanted him to or not. Something in me didn't want to leave.
I ended up laying on the floor a while at which time Mark got down and started rubbing my back, and soon he was laying next to me, speaking calmly and quietly asking me to please tell him what was wrong lately because he'd noticed I wasn't acting normal. I didn't really know, so I teared up a little and said I didn't know and shook my confused tears away. I very often can't figure myself out, so this happens a lot.
He said he really wanted me to tell him what was upsetting me and I thought a bit back to the day after my birthday, when my mom tried to convince my dad to say "Happy Birthday" to me. It didn't work, but once again it made me think over my living arrangements. I started, again, to think of moving out. But the only thing stopping me is my mom. I'm afraid for her, afraid of what my dad will do to her without me there as a buffer for his verbal rage. So I said, "my dad".
Mark asked me what my dad had done now and it hurt to think about, it felt really silly to be upset over something like this, but I was. He then asked what my dad had said, and I told him the truth: nothing. It was true, he hadn't said anything to me for months, And that's what i'd told Mark. He wondered out loud if silence was what bothered me then he told me that 10% of what happens in the world is uncontrollable by me, the other 90% was my reaction to it. This is true, but not easy. He then made a comment about how he didn't like the fact that I'd lied about what was wrong and hadn't told him. I've forgotten what else was said at that point though I know I made a mention along the line of me having to go home, then telling Mark I didn't want him to waste gas and that I'd text Joseph.
I then exiled myself to a lonely chair away from him while he took out his frustrations by beating up other people on xbox. I'd try, usually unsuccessfully to fight back tears, and Mark would look in my direction, a look in his eyes like he wished he knew what to do.
When he ended a round in the game I got up and crawled next to him on the bed, laying down and crying. I've never cried in a boy's arms like that before, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. He just held me close to him, his head resting on my shoulder blades. "I'm sorry that whatever is hurting you is causing you this much pain" he whispered. And when my sobs finally died down I snuggled into him, burying my head into his chest. It was a comfort, for him to hold me like that.
"This isn't sorrow." He'd said, "This is fright. Pure terror." And he held me closer as I realized he was right, and tears rolled out again. It was quiet for a while before he whispered very quietly a plead to help, "Please... Tell me what you're so scared of."
And I told him my fear- well part of it. I talked about how I've been thinking of moving out but was afraid of what would happen to my mom. I was afraid to leave her alone with my dad. Mark understood and told me, "the thing is, as sad as it is, is that your survival is most important. Say you're in a car with four other people. No matter how important those other four people are to you, your survival is most going to benefit you." I knew he was right, but I would still rather die than let that man hurt my mother.

Mark got me laughing again after that, and a short bought of silence by telling me about the first time he ever had a gobstopper. <3

Birthday

I turned 19 today. Not much was planned, I went to English at school, and then sat around my house, and then went to work. Nothing particularly awesome. I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get so see Mark, seeing as when I had to go to go to work, Mark was just about getting out of it.
But surprise of surprises, I look up from the hostess desk at work, and see Mark strutting over to me, with big yellow flowers that look like the sun, and a large piece of chocolate cake, a big smile on his face.
I beamed. I mean BEAMED. I smiled so big! And I hugged him and thanked him, and took the flowers and cake from him, and he lit the two candles in the shape of a 1 and a 9 and lit them, and I made a wish and blew out the candles. Mark said happy birthday, and kissed me, and I felt so happy. No one could even compare.
He said he would have gotten me roses, but the life expectancy of them was really short and knowing I love flowers he wanted ones that would last, so he got some in my favorite color.
It was the best birthday gift I'd ever gotten from anyone.
My manager came by and told me to get rid of him not long after, and I can't blame him. But nonetheless seeing him even a little was way better than I could have hoped.

Hit On Conclusion

I went to see Mark to clear the water after school. It was really awkward at first because neither of us knew how to initiate the conversation about the guy I'd been out with. God I hate saying it like that but I don't know any other way :|
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.

Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P

Hit On

I went out with an old friend whose name I wont mention. But this guy used to have a thing for me, like really hard. But we hadn't talked in years, so when he messaged me to say hi, I figured he was just talking, bored maybe, whatever shooting the shit. It happens. But he asked me to hang with him, so I accepted, having nothing better to do.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.