Coming Back and Catching up

Wow! I haven't written anything in here for like... a thousand years!!! What was the last thing I even posted in here?! *view blog in new tab... wait 5 minutes because computer is sllooowwwww....*

Holy Cow! The last post is something in particular that's been plaguing me lately.... Funny how history repeats itself.

Anywayssssss Lemme see....

I quit my hostessing job.... That was amazing, the management was just way too insane for me, they demanded too much while i made too little and the people (not the ones I worked with, they were all absolute dolls!!) that came in were soooo HORRENDOUS!

I'm now working as a front desk clerk at a hotel, its way more relaxed especially with my busy school schedule, first time taking 15 credits and its kiiiinnnda exhausting!

Lets see, what else?

Oh!! Great news! Nora moved back, but not without a horde of drama following her. But me And Joseph did go get to see her place in Tennessee in, what was it? March? I don't remember. But it was a great experience, maybe i'll tell you sometime.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that I've been with Mark for over a year now! I know! CRAZY!!! INSANITY!! CAN'T BE TRUE! But it is and I'm very happy about it.

I don't think about the bad b word as much, and he doesn't plague my thoughts so much as he did in the past, but I still have a lot of insecurity to work through because of the pain he's caused me... I do still periodically want to get into contact with him... Just talking about him makes me want to go straight to his facebook page and click 'request friendship' but I still refrain.

Lets see... I can't think of much more, but I'll probably think of something later

Replacing Nora. Well, Sort of.

"Then: Imogene
I didn't realize how much I'd missed Maxine until she finally got back and showed up at my front door on the first Saturday in August. No, that's not true. I'd missed her terribly and knew it the whole time she was gone. I'd tried not to think about it. Maybe I was her first best friend, but she was mine, too. Not having her around to talk to every day was like having a black hole in the middle of my life..."

The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint

Nora, Nora, Nora. I've discovered that I'm blogging/writing a lot more. I'm always writing in my yellow notebook and regurgetating its contents onto this webside. I never wrote or kept a journal before. I've never honestly had to. I've had Nora there for every moment I needed her. Since I really, truly started feeling the world and needing a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold she's been there. And now she's gone.
We don't talk much and I'm sorry I took for granted that she'd always be there. I miss talking to her and telling her everything about what was going on in my head, and her doing the same for me, I miss having coffee with her, and knowing how she is and what she was up to almost all the time, and vise-versa. She was a Best Friend-Soul Mate.

My cousin said something that made sense to me the other day, she said that she believed that everyone has a bunch of soul mates, they're just soul mates, and loved in a different way. I knew then that Coral was one of mine.

Reading that part of The Blue Girl this morning, it hit me. I realized I've replaced not being able to talk to her with my blog. Everything I long to tell her I write right here.

I am NOT my past

"I believe God wants you to know..... that you are not your 'story.' Who you are is so much bigger than that. It's okay to give up your past now.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way we are now, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now? What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be, rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of your story."


I got this from Nora's mom a while back, and circumstances have arisen that make me feel the need to post it. I have the collage Nora's mom made for me on my wall, and I at least glance at it every day.
Paired with a bit of everyday 'hope' latched to my wrist, I can try to make it at least one more day.
Thanks Nora and Mommy-2. I love you guys.

Who Will Look After Me?

My biggest fear about Nora leaving is that no one gets me like she does. If she's so far away and doesn't know what's going on in my life, who will be there to discuss what's going on and guide me? I can't live my own life... I just can't. I almost don't know how to. Its ridiculas I know, but... I'm so lost without her. When Joseph comes back from Tennessee, will he still want to hang out with me? Will Amy? Becki? Anyone? Or did they only like me because Nora was there to iron out my awkward and annoying parts?
I don't want to be alone more than anything in the world. I need someone around to get me. I mean, Gio understands me almost completely, but even he gets confused and lost in my head sometimes. I just don't want to be alone.... I don't want to be the girl with no friends again. And sure I'll make new friends its an inevitable part of life, but... none like the ones I had... Nora, I don't know if I'll make it... :[

I need someone to help me. I can't do this alone.... Not again, not anymore....

	The Fray - Look After You .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Off She Goes

Nora left yesterday. It was a day I've been dreading for longer than I like to think. She'd known she was going to move to Tennessee for quite some time now, but I guess I was just waiting for her to end up staying anyways. But as the time grew closer and closer for her departure, it became more and more real, and I cried sometimes, but tried to stay positive, though when Joseph decided to be a nut-tard, everything got so much harder to bare. Everything is fine with us now, we've seen each other a few times since the incidents I guess. Which is good.
But it seemed like everything went too fast and Nora seemed to run away in a sense. First they sold the house, her parents left, she stayed with me for a couple days, then she stayed at the her boss's house in what is called the crib which is a small house in a garage, and now she's gone. I feel like we didn't spend even a quarter of as much time together as we should have. I feel like I took her for granted all these years. Like I didn't care enough while she was here, I just figured, hey, she'll always be here, why worry? But now I have to worry because me and my best friend can't just go out for coffee and a chat anymore, no sleepovers, no just hanging around, no memories to share, only memories to tell one another. I'm so afraid that this will mean we'll lose touch and never see each other again, and slowly fade into each others memories. And I will try my hardest to make sure we stay close, She has been my everything forever, and I'm not going to give that up easily.
She gave me her hope when she left, though. She had a bracelet that she always wore that said "Hope" on it, and she said "my hope is yours now. I live by it and you should too" and I liked that. It made me feel a tiny smidge happier knowing that I had one more sentimental thing of hers to keep. I just wish I had given more to her.
So Nora is gone now, and all she left was teary lakes full of memories, love, and hope. I just wish I could keep her will all of that too.
But I'll see you soon, Nora. Even though I couldn't help you move in, I will come to visit, and we'll have coffee and talk and walk around and be silly just like always. I love you, Nora. You're the best friend a crazy girl could ask for. <3

JoeJoe Rickyleheim: Whats on my mind

Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow?
Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/
Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust.
Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?

Stevo & Bob:

Notes to Norah

While she was in Tennessee, where she's moving to much too soon, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and I had to tell her what was on my mind.

"Nora, I have something to say. I LOVE you. You're my BEST friend, no one can come close to you, not Joeseph, not Zoey, Amy, Gio, anyone. And I'm really scared to lose you. I love you. I wish you didn't have to go, but at the same time, I'm so excited for you to start the new chapter in your life..... These next couple weeks will be so precious to me, because I'm afraid they're going to be made of the last times i get to spend with you for at least a really, really, really long time. :/ I love you, Nora, and no matter how far apart we are, nothing can change that. I just wanted you to know that now. Before you go... :] ♥"

She replied:

"And and I want you to know that you are so near and dear to me, Arielle, and you are a truly wonderful person, there would never be another like you! I would never replace you with anyone, no one could fill the shoes! And i so agree, i am scared, excited, happy and sad, to be leaving, but i know this isn't going to be the last i see of you, or of anyone else! and i plan on spending a load of time with you before i go, because i will miss you oh so very much, and i have faith in you that you will do well without me, and i want you to know that i am always just a phone call away, and hopefully when you get a cell phone, and text! haha :P But I'll love you to the end, you are my best friend! :D ♥"

In all honesty, Nora is my rock. That's just it. We've been friends for about 7 years, and she's been with me through it all. I couldn't bear to lose her. I just couldn't do it! I mean.... Even when I was so messed up, and all i could do was growl and snap at her, and she thought she would have to part from me to keep going on, she stayed. Something in her knew I needed her more in those moments than she needed to get away. The entire time I was with the Bad 'B' Word, she was with me, voicing her opinions when she knew i was unhappy, and lying to me when i looked happy. I thank her for that. But I wish I had listened to her every day of my life now.
But seriously, Nora seems to know things about me that I don't know about myself. She understands people, way better than I ever could, she knows when they're poison, she's just.... too much to say in one small blog... I just don't know what I'll do without her.
I've taken our friendship for granted for a long time. The saying, you dont know what you got until its gone? Sorta true, only for me, I feel like I didnt know what I have until she's packing all her stuff into little boxes and making trips back and forth to Tennessee, ready to start her new life. She says she thinks I'll be just fine without her, but Tennessee is so far from Wisconsin... too far....

Selfish or Saintly?

I woke up thinking less about the crap that's happened, and more about the selfishness I've carried for the past four years or more. Is it just adding to my selfishness to have a blog? A place I can go to talk more and more about myself? And is this kind of selfishness a bad thing? There is always a certain degree of egocentrism when you're trying to "find yourself" and I guess that's what I'm trying to do. I've felt lost for four years, and I think it's time to relocate the girl I used to be, have a chat with her, spot the differences and similarities and figure myself out.
I hope that isn't too self-centered of me. I feel like I spend much too much time as it is thinking about myself and disregarding the feelings and thoughts of the people around me, the people I love.
I'm excruciatingly glad, though, that they've stayed with me so long, through thick and thin, they're true friends. They know my tendencies to be a little of the bad kind of crazy, and I know I've probably hurt them more times than I've acknowledged, but they still seem to love me, that's a beautiful thing.
Maybe this is a good thing, I'm deterring the issues from them to the internet. Oh how this could backfire. But I'm saving them from the miseries and woes of being around the crazy-psychotic part of me. I think that's the way I'll look at it.
Note to self:
Don't forget to think more of them.