Not the Only One Wanted

Sometimes when I'm in relationships it feels like I'm not the only one the guy wants. I may be one of those people, but it seems like his eye may be on more than one other person, when I really just want it to be on me. Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel so much of it right now.

A Letter to Mark (that I'll probably never send)

I initially typed it out on facebook.... But... I couldn't hit the send button. It all comes from an incident yesterday when we were laying together and I mentioned that today (the 12) would be the day that I said I'd be Mark's girlfriend 4 months ago. Technically its been 5 months because a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend I told him we could be exclusive. Meaning, I wasn't going to see anyone but him...

"I would have texted you this but its so much less time consuming and easier for my fingers to say what I want this way anyways. Plus this means I don't have to send you like.... 40 texts and wake your silly butt up and all that jazz.... I hope you don't see this while I'm around... Or maybe its better that you do? I'm really not sure, but I know that you may not get this right away... And that's alright, because I feel it right now, I don't believe that it's going to change, and that's all that matters.
5 months. Technically. that's not a bad thing at all I don't want you to think that I think its a bad thing... Does that make sense? I mean... Technically its 5, though I know I only agreed to be your girlfriend 4 months ago, but one month before that I stopped seeing everyone else so I could be with you.
When I first realized that I was happy you know? Like... Wow... its been 5 months and it seems like such a short time that we've been together. Then I thought of my routine of coming to see you on Saturday mornings (that hasn't been happening lately but whatever) And how I come to see you on Monday. then again on Tuesday, and once more still on Wednesday. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other and that isn't what this is about. But I thought again of the Word "Routine" then I heard someone from my past say "Boring" in my head. And I asked myself, "Am I happy? Is this 'routine' healthy?" And I got scared because suddenly I couldn't remember. Like... I knew I was and I know I AM happy with you and I like what we do and how we are. So that's not really the point. And the Healthy question was more of something from the past I realize because I've sectioned myself off to one person before and I couldn't tell if maybe I was doing it again... But.... I don't really know where this is going anymore so Ima tell you the rest of it.
Anyways.... So... I thought of the number 5 and its significance and the fact that its one small skip away from 6, and 6 months... that's half a year. Thats where my "Thats a long time" came from. Because all these thoughts rushed me, and I realized that 6 is half of 12 (silly I know but stick with me here okay?) 12 is one year.... an entire year. And that seems so ungodly scary to me, and when I realized it (a very quick thing it was) My stomach just dropped, like its doing now... And I started to worry. I just thought 5 months is one off of half a year and that much closer to an unpredictable time when you feel that stupid L word and end up saying it. I don't want you to. I can't help it I know I told you I'd try to.... I dunno... Deal with it? Nah, that sounds to harsh... Like... I really hope you know what I mean.... But it scares the ever living shit out of me. I like the way things are right now, I don't want anything to confuse or derail it. I don't want you to end up making me feel anymore than..... well... anymore than I have to and then go. And I know you're not everyone else, believe me the contrasts are through the roof on that one.... But I mean... Does this make ANY sense to you? I really hope it does and you're like... not angry or something.... :/ I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking.... What I AM thinking...."

Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Nothing to Report

There's really nothing I've got to say lately. All the feelings I've had have been repeats of prior postings, and I hate writing it twice.
Im in a funk at Mark right now, but he's a persistent little bastard and hasn't let it get to him.
I know I've been rude and really pissy towards him but I can't stop. I keep trying to push and shove and detatch myself.
I keep thinking, "he wants to keep me, but I don't want to be kept." and its true.
I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, I'm only 19 years old.
He said something last night about how he understood that I wasn't quite old enough to cherish companionship. And I finally mentioned to him that he's not, all-knowing or as weathered in life as he likes to think he is. Which of course he disagreed with, so I made a :| face at him and walked away from the situation.
Acting like this to him made me wonder why he didn't give up.
So I asked, if he knew why he put up with me.
He said something along the lines of "Its because I know the real Arielle, and your pissy moments aren't THAT bad."
I yelled at him after that saying I didn't really care why, i just wanted to know if he knew, because I'd been under the impression he didn't for some reason.
Anyways.... Thats kinda what's been going on.
Otherwise it's school, work, parents got home from vacation, school, school, finding time to hang out with my friends, etc. All very boring.

Replacing Nora. Well, Sort of.

"Then: Imogene
I didn't realize how much I'd missed Maxine until she finally got back and showed up at my front door on the first Saturday in August. No, that's not true. I'd missed her terribly and knew it the whole time she was gone. I'd tried not to think about it. Maybe I was her first best friend, but she was mine, too. Not having her around to talk to every day was like having a black hole in the middle of my life..."

The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint

Nora, Nora, Nora. I've discovered that I'm blogging/writing a lot more. I'm always writing in my yellow notebook and regurgetating its contents onto this webside. I never wrote or kept a journal before. I've never honestly had to. I've had Nora there for every moment I needed her. Since I really, truly started feeling the world and needing a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold she's been there. And now she's gone.
We don't talk much and I'm sorry I took for granted that she'd always be there. I miss talking to her and telling her everything about what was going on in my head, and her doing the same for me, I miss having coffee with her, and knowing how she is and what she was up to almost all the time, and vise-versa. She was a Best Friend-Soul Mate.

My cousin said something that made sense to me the other day, she said that she believed that everyone has a bunch of soul mates, they're just soul mates, and loved in a different way. I knew then that Coral was one of mine.

Reading that part of The Blue Girl this morning, it hit me. I realized I've replaced not being able to talk to her with my blog. Everything I long to tell her I write right here.

The Bittersweet Return of Giovanni Donatello

I've started talking to Gio again. it was a little sudden. He re-requested my friendship on facebook, I accepted, wanting to know how he was, but mostly just wanting him to know that I was ready to be friends too. We didn't talk at all at first, but when we were both online it seemed like he posted a lot of statuses. Almost like he was trying to gather my attention the way we used to do when we broke up and remained facebook friends before.
Then the shit went down with Mark and we broke up for that three minute span of time, and Gio Instant messaged me to see if i was okay. I didn't answer. That is- until a couple days later.
I said thank you for messaging to find out if I was doing alright, and that I was sorry I didn't answer. He said it was fine and he just wondered because a mutual friend of ours told him that Mark seemed like he was really good for me. We talked a while, catching up with each other, Playing a bit of the "Hey, remember that time-?" game then we parted our online ways.
We've talked a few times since then. And sometimes I really miss him. Miss the way he understood me, the way we talked and laughed and were. And I'm happy that we're friends again and can joke and talk like old times. But at the same time it's a really sad experience because I know how strongly I felt for him, and I know that if anything ever happened where for some crazy reason we got back together, we'd never be the happiness we once were.

Stay the Night

We spent the night together Saturday night. Mark went to his brother's bachelor party dinner, but opted out of the gambling in Milwaukee and came to stay the night with me. We sat and watched Harry Potter (the 5th and 6th ones) because he hadn't seen them yet. And I fed him left over lasagna by the end of the night. He thought it was delicious, I told him his taste buds were retarded or totally skewed because it was a single serving microwave dinner kind of thing.
Anyways, back to Harry Potter:
Having seen the movies, hear about them, and read their cooresponding books I wasn't too kean on watching them again, but I complied. I had told him to pick out a movie, and not wanting to argue over it or decide for three hours I said totally. His commentary on the 6th was a lot more than hilarious. He didn't like the pointless relationship sub-plots, and thought they were too prominent in the movie. He was right.
It was hard not to tell him what was going to happen when he was talking about his thoughts on how the next movie would go, and wondered mildly how it would end. (He, unlike me, hasn't read all the books so he doesn't actually know). But it was hard for me not to give any spoilers out.
After that I told him I wanted to go to bed, and I did, I'd slept through half of the 6th movie and "snored in my ear like this-" Mark said, then pressing his face to mine, making light, fuzzy snoring noises. I just laughed, only a little embarassed because he thought it was funny and cute rather than gross and annoying.
It was nice to have his arms around me all night. And I mean, ALL NIGHT. Almost like the times I spent the night with Gio. Though the bed I slept in with Gio was much bigger and a thousand times more comfortable. Plus Gio didn't sleep all night without moving much or making a peep. But it was just as nice. Different than the last time i spent the night with a boyfriend, but still wonderful.
Waking up is always the best. There was a lot of laughter and we sat there together a while and he tried to defeat a puzzle game I'd shown him a little while back. I helped him the last time he tried it, and we won it together. Then we went out for breakfast where nothing too exciting happened but it was a nice, still fun. Then he dropped me off back home and went to his friend's to watch football.
Overall a good time I think <3

Alright, Breathe Bitch

Alright, so Mark made it clear- No love yet. THANK GOD! Or whoever may be listening. He had me really worried there. I didn't even have to ask him straight out. The easing answer came via text. I'd sent him "liiiiikkkeee" or some variation there of because, well... That's kind of our thing. We'll tease eachother then say something like "Liiike" or "Like you!" Silly shit like that. So I said it and got back "Loooo..." and then he put something like GOT YOU! and made a mention about how it wasn't true "Yet."
This wave of releif filled me up, happiness, Straight Up. It's a good day.

L Word Woes

Sooo... Mark Loves me? I don't like it. it's too soon. It's just too much too soon.... Is it love or just ultra lust or am I just panicking? I mean, maybe now he's not so much dancing around it as he's tiptoeing closer and it freaks me out. Or maybe he's mentioning it the same as usual ad since our recent relationship based conversation, I'm being hyper-sensitive to it. But the undeniable thing is that he eluded to it.
I was snuggling up on his Cat Rufus, and petting him and whatnot And I was like "oohh lookit how cute you are, Mr. Man!!" And Mark was over trying to fix his computer and was like "why thank you!" but I really wasn't listening to him, I heard him, but I ignored him really, and I was like "I love you sooo much!!" to the cat, and then I heard Mark say "Now I KNOW you're not talking to me", and he came over and stood next to me and the cat (we were on his bed), and I was scruffing up the cat and saying "and I know you love me too!!" And Mark was quiet a second and said "probably more" and I assumed he was talking about more than I loved the cat so I was like "nooooo" but at the same time Mark said "More than me...." I just kinda ignored it and didn't make eye contact with him, and he stood there kinda awkwardly for a second... Because I just didn't know what to do.
No. It must be some kind of mistake in my mind. I'm just overreacting because he said while telling me he didn't want to lose me ever that the feelings he had for me could be equated as love...
I must be over-thinking way too into this. He must be trying to prepare me for it. But he gets so awkward when he says anything about it. Awkward really isn't his style... I'm not sure what to think... But I MUST be overreacting. There's no other explanation, no way in hell he could be in love yet. Just. No. Way. Bur he said he thought I was "the one" as in "THE ONE" The BIG one... The only one for him... UGH! What am I gonna do with this mess?
I just don't know... All my fear and anxiety is focusing on this aspect of my life. I have to disprove this. I have to know if he loves me or not so I can truly rest easy when he says "no" and I have a real reason to freak out if he says "yes".

Some Bullshit Went Down

This is an e-mail I wrote to Nora because I'm too lazy to re-write the bullshit that went down with Mark.

"Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, but I got lots of time now!
Alright, so, of course, like i felt and did to Gio, I felt like Mark had some kind of ulterior motive to be with me, because who would want to be with me for me? right? Yeah, and I know thats not true but, i totally felt that way about it :/ and it happens sometimes. Also, as you know I'd told him what happened my sophomore year, and I let him in farther than I've let any other boyfriend in, and that scared the crap outa me, you know? I mean, the more you know about someone the more you have in your arsenal to hurt them with, and thats the way I saw it. It scared me, so I started pushing him away by attacking him, and I was starting all this shit with him the other night. I was trying to push him to the edges of leaving me and all this other stuff even though, like with Gio, I didn't want him to go. But I kept pushing and pushing. even though I knew it was wrong.
I figure its because I didn't learn from my relationship with Gio- history repeats itself.
Anyways, so the next morning I get a text from him basically saying he wanted to come by my house and get the stuff of his that I have.
So i was like "does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
and he was like "well yeah because I can't deal with your pointless arguing" and the fact that I can't believe anything he says or I think that he's lying all the time.
And for a while we argued about it and said some shit we didn't mean, and after I started feeling bad about saying those things, I apologized, and our conversation turned momentarily serious, and he said that he just couldn't date me if we had such chasms between us and stuff and I was like yeah i understand.
Then somehow we started joking around with each other, talking about Mermaids in my jeans and asshats and crazy funny shit, because the pressure of relationship status wasn't weighing down on me, and somehow I can always open up way easier to guy friends than boyfriends. And he started realizing what he was losing in me; all the things he liked and yada ya.
Then he started saying things mid texts about how he really didn't want to break up and how he really thought we could make it work, and the last text about it was actually really cute, he was talking about all the things about me he liked so much that he wouldn't get to have anymore, he said something like: "i'm really going to miss the massages, the face, the smile, the laughs, the tits and vag..... And the Farkle in the background" lmao that last part probably doesnt make sense to you so I'll explain, when I go to his house, He sometimes plays xbox so I sit on his computer and fuck around on facebook and usually end up playing this game Called Farkle. And he thinks the music this game plays when you fail is hysterical, and he makes fun of it all the time. But I thought that was the cutest thing ever "... And the farkle in the background" lmao!! Anyways, so he came over and we talked a while, and I didn't wanna break up and he didn't wanna break up cuz we're both too stubborn lol and we just decided not to. But when we were talking he was explaining how he felt about me, saying like, he knew he would never find a girl like me, you know, someone who liked anime, let him play video games without really freaking out, made him laugh, and just liked being around him. That was cute. Then he said something about how, how he felt for me was what a lot of people would consider Love, and I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me he loved me there or not.... But i just kinda made a face and let him get on with his little speech."

He just kept saying that I worked well with him, that we were good together and he couldnt find anyone within an outlining state radius, and If he couldnt have me, he didnt really want anyone."
Needless to say that bullshit is over and we're all good now.

Pressure

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how serious are you about my brother?" Was Mark's sister's question to me a few weeks back.
Naturally, having only dated the guy a month and some weeks at the time, I didn't know how to answer such a question. Was she asking if I would cheat on him? The answer to that is "No", Was she asking if I was in love with him? Again, "No", Was she asking if I wanted to live happily ever after and get married to him or if we're soul mates, or if he's the one for me and I the one for him? No comment, because I don't know those answers yet. That one question was loaded with so many possibilities it made my head spin.
Before and since this question was presented to me, playful comments have been made about me and Mark living together, getting married, things of that nature, and for the most part I thought it was teasing, and not an expectation.
Apparently, Mark's mother, having met and gotten to know me, and see me around her son, has decided that I am the one for him and we're eventually going to move in together, get married, and probably produce some offspring. From the way that Mark's sister acts and talks about his and my relationship, she feels the same way.
I feel an over abundance of outstandingly unnecessary pressure to stay with him at this point. Like, if I don't the world is going to implode on itself.
I mean, I know it won't and what happens, happens, and if we don't stay together, everything will be fine, and it wasn't meant to be.
But all the same, I can feel that pressure squeezing down on me. I really like Mark, and I don't want to break up with him any time soon, but honestly, can I get a little space with the guy over here? I feel a little choked. Especially since what proceeded Mark's sister's question was, "Have you guys done it yet?"
Again, how do I answer this. Why would she want to know? I told her no, and she said good, and that I should wait a REALLY long time. I think she's cock-blocking at this point but you never know.
I mean, I don't mind talking to her about Mark, but at some point this has GOT to stop.
This pressure is completely uncalled for to me, I mean, I've been dating him for two months. I am by no means ready for "Til Death Do You Part" or a "Happily Ever After" with him. I want things to be simple. Goodness knows we both deserve some simplicity in relationships at this point.
And for the most part "simple" is how we roll.
But his family worries me.

Ég er að læra íslensku

I am learning Icelandic (Translated on Google because I can't do proper sentence structure and verb conjugation and what not just yet.)
I'm going to be teaching myself to speak icelandic.

Ég elska þig
I love you

I think it will go well. But I don't know yet. It sounds/looks a lot like Danish, and the words were easy to figure out and pronounce so that was cool. I just wish I had a teacher.That would probably make things nicer and easier.
I want to keep studying it. I hope I can do like yesterday while i'm at school and pick out words and know what they mean just by looking at them and listening to them on youtube. Silly way to learn a language I know, but its not so bad. I'll probably only learn so much though, because you can't learn everything from youtube. But that's okay. They don't even have an Icelandic "Rosetta Stone" which is stupid considering they brag about having all the languages and junk in their bogus commercials. It's all okay though, I guess. "Rosetta Stone" is expensive as hell though.
I think studying Icelandic will be a touch easier than it would be because I've already studied a second language. I wonder if languages get easier to learn the more languages you know. Does that make sense? I wonder if the more languages you know, the easier they are to learn. The easier it is to learn new ones. That would be nice. I imagine that, to an extent, it would be harder with languages that are really similar, like Italian and French/Spanish. They're ultra similar, so I guess they'd get a little mixed up.
I'd also like to learn Russian and German. Maybe Italian.
I love how I always avoid Spanish, you know, the useful language in America :|
That's REALLY gonna bite me in the ass eventually. Maybe I wanna learn Finnish too, though, I imagine it's a lot like Icelandic.

Random thought: What to they speak in Greenland? Greenlandic? I don't suppose so. I'll have to Google that quarry.

Languages I wanna know:
French (which I already have a good/okay knowledge and understanding of)
Icelandic
Russian
German
Finnish
Maybe Italian
In all I wanna know 6-7 languages. Oh learning will be fun! If there are any courses at school I WILL take them! Well,maybe not ANY courses. My mama's got lots of German books. French ones too. This is gonna be awesome if I ever get to know these languages well.

Answer to random question: Danish.

Math Squared

So, I got a hundred on the math quiz I thought I rocked last week on Friday, and a 98 on the homework worksheet. Now instead of failing at 45.4% I'm failing at 53.2%. That's almost a 10 point difference. I really think I can pull this one out at this rate, and the fact that I'll lose a quiz and homework grade. I'll be fine... I hope! If I keep studying hard and doing awesome on the quizzes and tests and stuff I'll be out of the ditch by the end of November. Once again: I hope.

Romantic Moment from My Mouth

The look on Mark's face when I said "No, that was one of the things on my list." was a wonderful thing.
I was happily burying my face one of his clean shirts, fresh from his closet and then twisted around my hands, the one I've recently stolen, and he said something about how it wouldn't smell like him because he hadn't worn it yet. That was when I said "No, that was one of the things on my list." He got this particularly cute look on his face- intrigued and flattered, almost excited to see into my mind and part of what I'd blogged about him.
"You're made up of different smells. Completely different scents that combine to make you." And I poked his belly when I said "you" He smiled and I went on, touching different parts of him as I spoke about them, "your soap," I touched his face, "Shampoo," ran my fingers through his soft bark blonde hair, "Clean cloths" I felt and took hold of the hem of hist shirt, rubbing it between my fingers for a moment, "and of course your deodorant." I pointed to his armpits, not about to poke them.
He just smiled, and I smiled back.
Thinking on it I wish I had told him that I would take any of the pieces of his scent with me, But his cloths were easy and made it feel like I was wrapped up in him when I went to sleep. He may have smiled wider.

Song

I feel like this song :]

Surprises

After school I stopped at walmart on my way home to buy some school supplies for an extra credit opportunity in English, and the gobstoppers as an apology gift to his royal ever-so-right-high-n-ass. :] I was extremely excited, I love surprises, I love doing things for people that will make them smile and be happy, and this was something I could do for Mark that would make him happy and help him understand I meant it when I said I was sorry.
I went home and immediately got to work on the project at hand. It took some time to find the exact right wrapping paper to go around the gobstopper boxes, I wanted something brown, and at first I tried a brown paper bag but found that it was much too thick, so I moved to tissue paper. The first layer was black so that he wouldn't be able to see what I was giving him through the brown and the message I wanted to write on it.

Mark, You were right.
I'm sorry.
<3 Arielle

I then put it in a small, shiny, blue gift bag, tied up the handles with curly white ribbons and made a tag that said "Mark" On the outside, and when you opened it it said "Open it!"
I knew that he would be home from work very soon at that point, so I got ready for work myself, and sped over to his house, driving like a total asshole all the way there because I didn't want him to beat me there and ruin the surprise.
I was absolutely giddy on the way there, my heart was racing and pounding, I was so excited for him to see! We hadn't really spoken all day so it would be 100 times better for him to get home and see that I'd apologized.
I pulled into the driveway just as I knew he would be let off from work, and ran in, placing the bag on the circular chair in his room, and ran back out.

It took a long time for me to get a message from him while I was at work, and after getting nervous that he didn't like it or thought it a weak attempt I texted him to see if maybe he just didn't say anything because I was working, or again, he thought my appology to be lame.
Not the case at all.
He said he'd stopped at his friends, and soon was on his way back home. I knew when he got there, because he sent me a text saying what a wonderful gift he'd gotten from someone, and how he forgave me and that He really loved the gift and the message it sent.
Success. :]

I Was Wrong... But Only a Little

I admit it, I over reacted the other day. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but Mark was right. I hate letting him know that. I wiggged out a little because he was playing video games the whole time we were together and I was trying to get him to pay attention to me, and he wouldn't. He paid a little attention to me but didn't give me what I wanted.
"I'm sorry" He'd said, "It won't happen again."
"But it will." I replied
"What makes you think that?"
"You're a guy..."
"So now you're generalizing me." He said a faint questioning in his voice.
"A Little." I hummed into his chest as he held onto me.
He really didn't like that, he also said that he felt a little used, seeing as I wanted some "alone" time with him. He wondered if we had to every time we were together, saying he really likes to, but seeing as he was a little sore, he wasn't all that up to it. Later on I made the complaint that any time he wanted sex he had to have it and if I said no, he'd grump about it and say "You never want to" which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to. So I do it, and don't get me wrong, I really love sex with Mark, but sometimes I don't feel like it. So like I said, I do it because he's paying attention to me and I like that. Once again, I wanna make it clear, I like sex with him so it's no big deal, I also like spending time with him whether or not he's necessarily paying attention to me or not. Sometimes I just want to be in the same place as him, so I don't care if we're not talking or doing something together, as long as he's around I'm happy.
He made a mention that I needed to be more demanding when I want something, but that's really not in my nature. He also took note to himself that he needed to be more demanding when he knew I need to calm down because I'm over reacting.
He's right, and sometimes I hate that.
I can easily admit when I'm wrong after a little thought on the subject, But right now I don't want to come straight out and say it.
I'm so used to boys siding with me when I'm upset, but Mark is a whole new ball of wax.
I think I'll buy him gobstoppers to apologize. Put them in a fancy bag and leave them on his door step or something...

B word is only a word

His name is Barry. He is my past, but my past is gone and the things I have done don't matter, because I may have done some bad things, but I know that what I've done does not mean that is who I am.

I am my own person, with a past, a presant, and a future, and nothing can hold me from it.

His name is Barry, he was my first love, and I though I hope to never see his face again, I know that he can't hurt me anymore.

His name is Barry. He is just another name.

Simply Mark.

And even if your whisper eats my ear, your voice shall be the only song I long to hear...

One thing A Few things A Big list of things I Adore about Mark

• The way his eyes roll back in his head when he kisses me, like it's the most sensationally mind numbing experience of his life
• The simple, sleepy smile he gets on his face when I rub/pet/scratch the back of his neck while he's driving
• The way he seems to get so much joy out of tickling me and hearing me laugh like that
• The way he "nom nom" kisses my neck while he's tickling me
• The "nom nom" kisses in general
• How he always answers his phone when I call while we're arguing, no matter how angry he may be
• He'll argue with me, because he's as invested in helping "us" to work out as I am
• The way he looks at me
• The way he touches my face when we're laying together
• The way he holds me close and tight when we fall asleep
• The way he kisses me before I can kiss him
• His silly "kiss me" face
• His face... well, his appearance in general. Let's face it, he's a pretty handsome guy!
• The way he puts his arms behind my shoulders and his hands in my hair and lets his face lean so close to mine when he's on top when we're going at it ;]
• How he doesn't have one particular smell, but a combination, shampoo, soap, laudry detergent/fabric softener, and deodorant. There's always something to pick out.
• The tone change in his voice after he's argued with someone in the house, then talks to me
• How his sense of humor matches mine
• How he can make me laugh even when I don't want to
• How he tries to get me to tell him whats on my mind when I'm upset
• How he helps, how he talks to me when I tell him what's wrong and he suddenly seems so much older than he is
• The way he walks and shakes his butt a little sometimes. So cute.
• The way I could look at him for hours and not get sick of it, only finding more things to like about him
• The way he looks when he sleeps
• The way his face smooshes to the pillow when he lays on his side
• How he always thinks of me when he's making his grocery selection
• How he just kind of collapses when I rub his cute little bottom
• The way we can tease each other and always know we're joking
• But say something when the other makes a jab thats a little too hard
• How he'll always accept me for who I am, and forgive my shortcomings
• All of those annoying things he does, especially how he's always right, because without those stupidly annoying things, he wouldn't be the Mark that I care so much about.

Math

Math has never been one of my strong suits. And now I'm failing math with a 46.5%. I failed the test, got a zero on a pop quiz, and didn't turn in a homework assignment. The professor said that If you have lower than a 50% you should think seriously about dropping the class because there was no way you'd be getting a 70% (C- passing grade) by the end of the semester. She proceeded to say that we could drop a homework assignment and a quiz grade so if we'd gotten zeros we didn't have to worry. In other words, my 46.5% F won't be so significant after those grades are gone.
So I think she was saying we should drop just to freak us out or be a bitch. :|

Fear, Not Sorrow

Watch out, this is a long one. A lot of stuff had happened when I wrote this, and it's about 5 of the pages in that yellow notebook.
Also this wasn't actually yesterday, i'm just typing down what I wrote in my notebook. I believe the date of this was actually the 7th but I can't QUITE recall....


Yesterday wasn't all that awesome, but it ended better than I expected I've been a little hormonal for the past few days, so I haven't quite been myself. Also, yesterday I started working out, so I was sore. So I texted Mark to see if he'd come by my house to get me. He was off work by the time I got home, but I wanted to take a shower and such. He said "K, I'll leave soon" I watched the Big C while I waited, after which I didn't get anything from him, so I started watching Weeds and getting a little impatient. About half way through I got a text that just said "Soon" So I replied "If You say so" to which I got a few question marks. I then proceeded to go on about how he said soon over an hour ago and I didn't believe that soon meant what it implied.
My phone started ringing almost right after I sent that text. Mark then explained that he had lost track of time while on skype with one of his friends. Of course I was a little more than upset. Then we had a back and forth of "whats wrong?", "nothing", "whats wrong?", "its not important", "Arielle, what's wrong?", "I just told you." He huffed a little and argued a bit. But ended up saying he was on his way and he'd text me when he got to my place. That's our thing, we text to say "here" before coming in.
So he did that, but stayed in his car, so I went outside and got in his car. He once again asked me what was wrong, his sad eyes looking grey. Once again, I told him it was nothing, but we both knew that something was wrong. We stayed silent through the while 10 minute car ride that seemed so much longer even though he sped a little. We remained silent for a few hours. It was god awful. I texted Joseph multiple times wondering if he might be able to come and get me but I could never give him a straight answer of if i wanted him to or not. Something in me didn't want to leave.
I ended up laying on the floor a while at which time Mark got down and started rubbing my back, and soon he was laying next to me, speaking calmly and quietly asking me to please tell him what was wrong lately because he'd noticed I wasn't acting normal. I didn't really know, so I teared up a little and said I didn't know and shook my confused tears away. I very often can't figure myself out, so this happens a lot.
He said he really wanted me to tell him what was upsetting me and I thought a bit back to the day after my birthday, when my mom tried to convince my dad to say "Happy Birthday" to me. It didn't work, but once again it made me think over my living arrangements. I started, again, to think of moving out. But the only thing stopping me is my mom. I'm afraid for her, afraid of what my dad will do to her without me there as a buffer for his verbal rage. So I said, "my dad".
Mark asked me what my dad had done now and it hurt to think about, it felt really silly to be upset over something like this, but I was. He then asked what my dad had said, and I told him the truth: nothing. It was true, he hadn't said anything to me for months, And that's what i'd told Mark. He wondered out loud if silence was what bothered me then he told me that 10% of what happens in the world is uncontrollable by me, the other 90% was my reaction to it. This is true, but not easy. He then made a comment about how he didn't like the fact that I'd lied about what was wrong and hadn't told him. I've forgotten what else was said at that point though I know I made a mention along the line of me having to go home, then telling Mark I didn't want him to waste gas and that I'd text Joseph.
I then exiled myself to a lonely chair away from him while he took out his frustrations by beating up other people on xbox. I'd try, usually unsuccessfully to fight back tears, and Mark would look in my direction, a look in his eyes like he wished he knew what to do.
When he ended a round in the game I got up and crawled next to him on the bed, laying down and crying. I've never cried in a boy's arms like that before, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. He just held me close to him, his head resting on my shoulder blades. "I'm sorry that whatever is hurting you is causing you this much pain" he whispered. And when my sobs finally died down I snuggled into him, burying my head into his chest. It was a comfort, for him to hold me like that.
"This isn't sorrow." He'd said, "This is fright. Pure terror." And he held me closer as I realized he was right, and tears rolled out again. It was quiet for a while before he whispered very quietly a plead to help, "Please... Tell me what you're so scared of."
And I told him my fear- well part of it. I talked about how I've been thinking of moving out but was afraid of what would happen to my mom. I was afraid to leave her alone with my dad. Mark understood and told me, "the thing is, as sad as it is, is that your survival is most important. Say you're in a car with four other people. No matter how important those other four people are to you, your survival is most going to benefit you." I knew he was right, but I would still rather die than let that man hurt my mother.

Mark got me laughing again after that, and a short bought of silence by telling me about the first time he ever had a gobstopper. <3

Wishing, Wondering.

Been thinking about Micki a lot lately, found the newspaper with the front page article on her death in one of my guinea pig's baskets under her cage. It said that she was hit from behind and that Sam, the girl she was with, had tried to pull her off the road. What was Micki thinking? I wonder what her last words were... I wonder why she didn't get out of the road. I wonder how the lady that hit her didn't see her. Maybe they were just past the crest of the hill... I also wonder if Nora's soul theory is correct, and everyone's destiny and the moves between birth and that destiny are planned out by us before we're born. If it's true, why would Micki choose such a fate. To abandon her body and life at the age of only 15. I also wonder if people secretly, subconsciously know they'll die young. Thats why the good die young. They want to leave their mark in the small amount of time they have... So they become those happy, fun, energetic, beautiful individuals, captivating as many people as they cane before they know they have to go.
Which brings about another serious question: When its our time to die, do we instinctively know it? Which would/could mean that Nora's theory may be right... I think about her way more at night, Micki. And tend not to go over the speed limit but under by 5 or 10 when I'm driving home, depending on if someone's following me or not. Every roadside pedestrian I pass becomes her, and somehow, by safely passing them, I'm saving her, if only in the fragments of my memory. I wish she were still around. I miss her. I miss her too much.

19 and All the Other Ages Before

Yesterday was my 19th birthday. It was wonderful. I got Repo! The Genetic Opera from my mama, and the promise of books in the mail. Mark gave me three beautiful flowers that look and smell like sunshine, and a large delicious piece of chocolate cake with candles in the shape of a "1" and a "9". He lit them, I blew them out, and couldn't stop smiling. Everyone who saw or I told thought it was really sweet. I've decided that Mark is wonderful! haha! It really was a good birthday despite the fact that I didn't get much time to myself. It's all okay. Mama bought me food and stuffs from the coffee shop. I went in and they all yelled happy birthday, and told me my mom would pay for anything I got while I was there when she came in later that afternoon. It was the coolest thing! So that was super cool. Also I didn't have to deal with dad, which was also nice.
It never feels any different being technically a year older. In my English class we read an essay that said you're never just 19 or 12 or any other age, but all of the years that preceded this one. So not only am I 19, but also 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. I believe this essay was by an author that I'm not all so fond of, but she had a point. We don't always "act" our given number age, but sometimes all those before it. Makes sense. At least I think so.

Yellow Notebook

Recently for school I bought a bunch of new notebooks, and theres this one. A yellow, ordinary 1 subject, college ruled notebook, and something about it keeps it with me. I confide in it all of the thoughts I havent had time to type up on here. So the next series of posts will be from the past few weeks of certain things I've written in my notebook, including two from today.
Just wanted to explain why there were so many from today.

Birthday

I turned 19 today. Not much was planned, I went to English at school, and then sat around my house, and then went to work. Nothing particularly awesome. I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get so see Mark, seeing as when I had to go to go to work, Mark was just about getting out of it.
But surprise of surprises, I look up from the hostess desk at work, and see Mark strutting over to me, with big yellow flowers that look like the sun, and a large piece of chocolate cake, a big smile on his face.
I beamed. I mean BEAMED. I smiled so big! And I hugged him and thanked him, and took the flowers and cake from him, and he lit the two candles in the shape of a 1 and a 9 and lit them, and I made a wish and blew out the candles. Mark said happy birthday, and kissed me, and I felt so happy. No one could even compare.
He said he would have gotten me roses, but the life expectancy of them was really short and knowing I love flowers he wanted ones that would last, so he got some in my favorite color.
It was the best birthday gift I'd ever gotten from anyone.
My manager came by and told me to get rid of him not long after, and I can't blame him. But nonetheless seeing him even a little was way better than I could have hoped.

Hit On Conclusion

I went to see Mark to clear the water after school. It was really awkward at first because neither of us knew how to initiate the conversation about the guy I'd been out with. God I hate saying it like that but I don't know any other way :|
So I sat in the round chair in his room, he sat on his bed and released any remaining frustrations on his XBox by beating up other online players at Street Fighter. After getting lonely where I was I went and sat by him and we made casual conversation, dancing around my afternoon activities and his feelings on the matter, until he came out and asked about it.
He was basically like "why did you even go out with a guy who you knew liked you in the first place?"
I told him how we used to know each other and he kinda had a thing for me, but since we hadn't spoken or anything for the past year, I figured he would have grown out of that crush and meant nothing more by hanging out than innocent, straight up hanging out. I told Mark that I hadn't meant to upset him, and that I had no idea he would behave that way.
Mark then told me that It was okay, and that If i was any older (his age) he would have taken it as a serious offence on our relationship, even considered it cheating, going out with a guy who liked me. He then made a comment about how naive I had acted, but upon thinking of how he would have taken it when he was 18, putting himself in the situation I was in, he realized that he would have thought nothing of it as well.

Lesson of the day, you can't trust guys. :P

Hit On

I went out with an old friend whose name I wont mention. But this guy used to have a thing for me, like really hard. But we hadn't talked in years, so when he messaged me to say hi, I figured he was just talking, bored maybe, whatever shooting the shit. It happens. But he asked me to hang with him, so I accepted, having nothing better to do.
But what does the guy do? He starts getting handsy. He knows I have a boyfriend, we talked about Mark for chrissake!
So I made sure to text Mark telling him who i was with and where in case anything happened where the guy tried to kiss me or something, so that if that happened, it wouldn't come out of nowhere at Mark and upset him.
When I got back from whatever you want to call it, I told Mark what happened, and let's just say he didnt take too kindly to it. He said that I shouldn't have gone out with the guy if I knew he had a thing for me and made it sound like I had just cheated on him, which I hadn't!
I wish Mark wouldn't say things like that. I'll probably have to go and explain the whole situation to him because it's not my fault. I didn't intend for this guy to behave the way he did. I mean, geez! I barely expected it, especially after having no contact whatsoever with him for the last year or so. I figured if anything there would be light flirting from his end and that would be it. I mean, jesus! we talked about Mark! He asked if I was happy with him and why I liked him, how long we'd been together, how we met, all of this nice stuff. I really didn't expect for him to do the things he did. And it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, first of all- it's him, I have no feelings towards him whatsoever, he's not even attractive; Second HIS hands didn't belong on me; Third, he asked if I was happy with Mark! Of course I said yes and he still tried! That's retarded! Plus, you know what? I don't even know anymore I'm so frustrated and exasperated.

Starting Anew and Recalling the Lost

Of course school has come again, as many know, and I will be attending college for the first time this year. As I will be commuting for the next year or so, I had to drive in today. We are having a few orientation days before school actually starts so we can all get more comfortable with one another, make new friends, yada ya. And it was relatively fun today. but a little boring as I was unmotivated. All I wanted to do was find where all my classes would be, straighten out my schedule, and get my final book. I ended up only getting my parking pass. thats it. :| Lame. But as I was trying to navigate my way around to get back home when it was all over, I turned onto Highway N. Now, this may not mean anything to anyone else, and I didnt give it a second thought when I turned onto it, but when I got to the junction i wanted to be at, I started crying.
Across the road from the stop sign I was waiting at, was a Large, lacey-looking white cross, with vibrant, colorful, faux flowers surrounding its base. I remembered Micki. I my car was sitting on the road she had died on.
I found myself unable to move for a little, and I hyperventilated a bit before taking a deep breath and moving on down the road, crying.
It was a minor thing, but it has bummed me out quite a bit. Just another reminder of the beautiful life that was lost.
I thought of her earlier in the day when I heard a boy in one of my groups talk about a friend who had died of cancer. He said that his friend was an amazing human being, never once raised his voice or got visibly angry at another person, and lived life happy and full, he made ever moment count.
I wondered quietly as he spoke why all of the good people in the world had to die first. And I still wonder... I'll never stop wondering.

The First Boy I Told

Mark and I have gotten really close over the past weeks and are now in a steady relationship, just us two.
We had been doing very well but lately my emotions have been mean, and I shut him out on more than one occasion because of it. We argued a little about it, because he's genuinely good at communication and believes in talking things out, especially since he's still trying to understand me and how i work. The way he watches me is so hysterical sometimes because of that fact.
Anyways, last night I was out with Joseph and, Mark hadn't contacted me almost all day, and i imagined it was because of our argument about my pendulum-like emotions. So i sent him a quick text basically asking if he was still upset. He tossed his opinion at me, basically saying that he felt insanely disconnected from me when my emotions went haywire, and that he felt like it was becoming more consistent when I was with him, and he was starting to think i was semi-bipolar, and that that fact about me worried him. As he's had issues in his past with people with bipolar disorder, naturally he would be a little leery. But it pissed me off. I'm by no means bipolar, just lost and confused upon occasion.
Naturally, I told Joseph that I was going to Marks, and that I would be right back. Joseph and Mark live barely a mile apart so I told him I'd be there and back in a jiffy. So I raced angrily over there, walked in, and stood at the doorway to his room, where he was standing.
"Really?" I'd said, "you really think that about me?"
And he turned and looked, with this horribly distressed look on his face, and he sighed and said "yeah, sometimes." before sitting down.
He talked about it for a while, and said that he couldn't think of any reason why i would act this way unless i'd been physically abused, raped, or something like that. As it was technically neither of those things, I just sat and listened as he talked, very calmly, never raising his voice.
But as he started picking at some of the scabs on my heart, it got harder to fight back the tears, and I ended up standing in the doorway crying, looking away from him while I sniveled. He ended up standing up and putting his arms around me, muffling my silent sobs even more. He wondered out loud then if he even wanted to hear my story if it caused me that much pain to even think about. And I told him about my revelation a few days before.
He then pulled away from me, and invited me to sit down with him, where he cuddled and held me while I cried, then I started telling my story, not from the moment I met the bad 'B' word, but from the time he first took something from me. And he listened, giving his opinion a few times, but he was mostly quiet. And every now and then he'd put his head in his hands as he listened, as if it hurt him to hear it, as much as it hurt me to experience it.
In the end he thanked me for telling him my story, and told me that he equated what happened to me to be mental rape, and that it would all be okay, because he cared for me, and he was going to help me if and when he could. He was sincerely grateful that he was able to hear me tell someone for the first time in years, and be the first one of my boyfriends to hear, the first boy to hear.
I feel relieved now that he knows. Like i don't have to stand away from him, hiding behind a shield that he can't see. I feel like I don't ever have to let that series of events from years past ever hurt my new relationships ever again.

Recent Revelation

I have been thinking about the bad 'B' word again, and in the car on the way home today, I thought about how he'd always ask me "what if" questions about our relationship and stuff. I remember one in particular that he asked all the time:
"What if I got you pregnant?"
Now, this question always bugged me, mostly because the time when we were together i was 15/16 years old, and was by no means ready to start a family and move in that direction. I had dreams and aspirations that I didn't want an obstacle like a child to hinder me from seeking.
And my answer to him would always be "well, you wouldn't" or "That would really make me unhappy" and stuff along those lines. and when he asked if I would keep it, I said yes, because at that time I could never see myself getting an abortion. I am pro-choice, but when i was that age I didnt believe I would be able to do it, times have changed and so have I, but back on track here.
Now as I was thinking about that, I realized why he asked me so much. I was the one girl, one person even that he could control and manipulate completely and without falter. And by me having his child, i would be bound to him for at least another 18 years, because I had HIS child. His child would have been mine. He would be able to manipulate me longer and possibly have more kids with me and what not.
This made me think of puppy mills. Where the mother dog is caged and unhappy, breeding and birthing over and over and over until her insides are no good, and she has to be put down.
My life with the bad "B" word would have been like a puppy mill, with me being the mother dog. This is a heartbreaking realization. I think I'm going to cry again...

Rejection

Its awful. Now.. I've never really had to reject anyone before, as I'm not a "high demand" girl. But since I got this job, there are people EVERYWHERE who at least look at me or flirt a little, first time for everything, right? Right. Well a few weeks ago, a small group of men came in, all rather good looking, came in and talked to my boss and I about something little, silly, and trivial. One in particular had his eyes on me the whole time, now, he was INSANELY cute! Not even going to lie, he was handsome as hell! And he made some comments as to he thought I was pretty and such. And then him and his group left. The next weekend, one of the guys from that group came back in and told me that his friend, thought i was really cute, and would be back in very soon. And he was.
A few weekends later the guy returned and asked me out on a date before he departed to go find his friends. I'd been texting him a little bit, and he was really sweet and interesting. But at this point It was just before I promised Mark that we would be exclusively dating, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but together, if that makes sense.
So when this guy came back in the next weekend, and asked when it would be a good time to take me out to diner, I had to say I couldn't do it. It was such an awful feeling, i felt so bad, granted i'm sure he got over it quickly, but still, i've never had to reject anyone before, and it was really sad to have to reject such a good looking guy.

50 First Dates

Well, not quite 50. More like... three? Since starting my new job I've been blatantly admired by at least 6 guys and asked out by 4 of them. Do I feel beautiful? Abso-freaking-lutely!

The first date was with a boy I technically met on a social networking site, and he seemed a little annoying, but I gave him a shot anyways, bad idea. He works in the same place as me, and so we hung out there a little, he'd bring me cheesecake and stuff, and once a red rose, so naturally being flattered by his advances I accepted when he asked me out. But when we went on the date, he kept groping on me, and kissing on me, and when I pushed him away and told him to stop, he just said, oh you like it, and went right back to it! AWFUL! Then to top it off, when I finally did get him to quit, he'd just say "Well, fine! I won't do anything then!" and turn away and ignore me.
Worst. Date. EVER!

Second date was with a boy called Mark, he's a 23-year-old charming, funny, semi-narcissist, who happens to be a Nick Swardson look-alike. Needless to say, I like him a bit. I met him in December at a sex toy party, and he seemed interested in me immediately, I could feel it, but at the time I was with Gio, and not about to lose his trust, love, and faith in me. Did I think he was cute? Yeah. Did I tell anyone? Hell no. And yeah, I know, weird place to meet a potential date, but... Seriously? Is it really all that bad? It was like a regular get together, though the main subject was sex. So what? Haha!
Anyways, So, we started talking a week or so after Gio and I broke up, and he pissed me off, but in a fun way. He was infuriating, and my feisty side had been dormant for so long because I was afraid to upset Gio with my sarcastic comments and teases. So I let it aaaaaallll out on Mark. And he sparred wit with me for hours and hours, and when things got serious he read everything I typed down for him, made his comments, and pointed out certain things and showed his point of view in his special way. So when he finally asked me out and we made plans to go around town and walk and talk and see where else we got and if we had more in common than we thought. We waited a while though, because his car was in the shop for repairs. When the day of the date came, his car wasn't ready, so I managed to take the family car and drive out to see him. Talking and laughing lead to hugs and kisses, and a little cuddling, and feeling close to someone again. After that he wanted to be exclusive, deciding he wanted me for himself. Though I told him, as I told my other dates, that I wasn't interested in a relationship just yet, and I wanted to date around and get a feel for things, get back up, dust off my heart, try to re-assemble it, and see where I got after that. He was okay with that, as long and promised to be patient.

Date number 3 I met at school, and had no idea he had a crush on me. Now, he's a really funny guy, and he's really awesome, but I don't like him the way he likes me, though I accepted anyways, just to see what could come of a date. We went to classic movie and dinner (pizza dinner, YUM!) then not wanting to stop hanging out, we went to Walmart and placed odd items in odd places; i.e. Mouthwash and bibles by the condoms and pregnancy tests, putting melons in bras and strewing them about, women's thongs in place of men's thongs, stuff like that. And it was a blast. All the while we were talking and laughing and being cool. Then when he finally took me home, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight, which was cute, but I rejected the kiss, not wanting him to think this would go any farther in that direction. I liked him and had fun, but I didn't want to date him. I will gladly hang out anytime!

I've gone on another date with Mark, and it was a blast. He's made it clear he doesn't just want me for sex or anything, though he IS a guy and thinks sex is perfectly fine when I'm willing to give it. He's a sweet talker, and I like that. He has the ability to be so sweet, and still can take all the feist I can throw at him. Its incredible. As of last night, we're exclusive. Mark is not my boyfriend, and I'm not his girlfriend, I made that very clear, we're just exclusively dating each other to see where we go for now, maybe later on we'll be something more, but i dunno yet.

Nora, if you're reading, I know you think he's bad for me, I know how you feel about him, I am being careful, I promise, But something keeps me going back to him, and its not like with the Bad 'B' word, this is different... Will I get hurt? Probably. But.... I can't stay away. <3 Nora, you said I'll be just fine up here without you, and I wanna show you I can make it. Is this possibly a destructive way of doing so, yeah, But I can get through this IF he is as bad as you think.

I am NOT my past

"I believe God wants you to know..... that you are not your 'story.' Who you are is so much bigger than that. It's okay to give up your past now.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way we are now, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now? What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be, rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of your story."


I got this from Nora's mom a while back, and circumstances have arisen that make me feel the need to post it. I have the collage Nora's mom made for me on my wall, and I at least glance at it every day.
Paired with a bit of everyday 'hope' latched to my wrist, I can try to make it at least one more day.
Thanks Nora and Mommy-2. I love you guys.

Hey Moon, You Forgot Not To Fall Down

Sorry I've been gone so long... if anyone reads this at all... Probably not, but a girl can wonder... The whole Gio thing has been on my mind a lot and given a little time to stop crying and cool down the following guilt and anger that arose from being dumped, I'm now able to write this and flirt with all the guys at work. Now. This freedom is completely bittersweet. The parts of me that have always had commitment issues is extremely happy just to live and let go, flirt around and enjoy the single life, while the other half of me is still kind of mourning the fact that Gio's lips wont touch mine anymore, nor will his hands be in mine, nor will I get to sleep in his arms, away from every little bad thing in my mind and in the world. Do I love him regardless of this situation? Of course, and I miss him, but if this is what will make him happy, I have to let him go. I love him too much to hold him back and hurt him anymore.
The reasoning behind such a breakup was mostly all my mood swings, Gio couldn't take the fact that he didn't know how I would be from day to day, and it was a real strain on our relationship. And in these mood swings I would convince myself he didn't really love or want to be with me, so I would get upset, and wanting to free him guilt free from his predicament of being with me, I would act like I didn't like him, big mistake, I know, but I didn't know what to do. There were times I tried to hold tighter to him, but they always seemed unwelcome.
He said we'd gotten bored of each other, but honestly, if that were the case I don't believe he would have asked me out to so many things with him. I think that when he "saw boredom" in my eyes, it was because he was lost and that was what he wanted to see. I was his longest relation ship, and he was mine. I'm sure it was a little distressing for both of us to not really know how it was supposed to be.... And I've called him to say goodbye, and tell him that I understand why he can't love me. I mean, If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
I mean, I pushed him away because I was afraid that like every other guy in my life he would abandon me. In a way I wanted to abandon him before he could abandon me. So I did, but it only ended up hurting me more. I mean, everyone's been leaving me it feels like. I mean, My real dad, my step dad (emotionally), Nora has left, Micki is dead, and I almost lost Joseph....and Now Gio is gone.
Its just kinda difficult to have handled all at that one time. It was too much.

Oh, and the reasoning for the title: Northern Downpour was our song. The Lyric "hey moon, please forget to fall down" had some real meaning to us, because there were nights, which I will write about eventually, where we got to sleep in the same bed together, and we would talk and talk and talk until our lungs were sore. We'd spent nights together that we never wanted to end because we were so in love in those moments. And for a long time it seemed that our relationship was one long night that we never wanted to end, and it seemed like the moon had forgotten. But when we finally realized the sun came up, it burned the both of us. I just wasn't ready for it to be over yet.

Gio.

Gio's done, Gio's gone. For good this time. I miss him already. I love him so much. I wish I coulda fixed it. I'll write more when I get another feeling other than sadness..... and complete hopelessness... All I can say is that I feel connected with this video. Especially the very beginning when the color gets smashed.

Latest Epiphany

Well. Here we are again in the dumps. Nice to see you hard feelings, how's the family? Its been a while, lets have another round of drinks POURED ON me :|

Its all because NO ONE will EVER love me more or as much as I love them. That's why I'm crazy. I mean, for a while I've been feeling like Gio doesn't love me anymore and doesn't even wanna be around me anymore and secretly he just wants to get out of this relationship but he's to chicken shit to say anything.
Now I love this boy. Dare I say more than anyone else. And I know I've gone through this issue on here before. But... Once again, I have to write this down or it will fester into another infectious puss wound on my heart.
Its the way I feel like he looks at me now, Like, "man. I once thought you were so killer amazing.... and now.... I see you. You're just another trashy bitch... but how to I tell you that?" And... It really hurts... I mean... He's not kissy anymore, He's still touchy sometimes. But i feel like we haven't kissed in forever. I may be wrong, we probably have but right now I'm blocking it out mentally for the sake of piling more shit on myself in the grave I've dug.
Today in the car I figured it out though. I was thinking of Gio, then I thought of the bad 'B' word and how I felt this EXACT way about him too! And the whole reason I've gotten depressed and crazy was because I felt like he didn't love me!
Its because NO ONE will ever be good enough for me. I will ALWAYS love the person I'm with more than they will EVER love me. And if they do love me, I will deny and deny it. I'm meant to be alone. I think I see it now. That's why I see no children in my future for myself, why I don't see me getting married, and dying early on in my life. Because I won't have a reason to stick around. I'm going to be miserably without love until the day I die.

Who Will Look After Me?

My biggest fear about Nora leaving is that no one gets me like she does. If she's so far away and doesn't know what's going on in my life, who will be there to discuss what's going on and guide me? I can't live my own life... I just can't. I almost don't know how to. Its ridiculas I know, but... I'm so lost without her. When Joseph comes back from Tennessee, will he still want to hang out with me? Will Amy? Becki? Anyone? Or did they only like me because Nora was there to iron out my awkward and annoying parts?
I don't want to be alone more than anything in the world. I need someone around to get me. I mean, Gio understands me almost completely, but even he gets confused and lost in my head sometimes. I just don't want to be alone.... I don't want to be the girl with no friends again. And sure I'll make new friends its an inevitable part of life, but... none like the ones I had... Nora, I don't know if I'll make it... :[

I need someone to help me. I can't do this alone.... Not again, not anymore....

	The Fray - Look After You .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Step-Dad

Amongst all of the other general life quarrels I struggle through, there's the "daddy issue". He rants at me every day, telling me my mother is a pig and a "cunt" by the way i HATE that word with a fiery passion, and he talks about how my mom isn't a good mother because she's like my best friend and not my mom and thats why I am the way I am, and he says he's sick of her being so selfish because everything's not about him and how he's not happy because we're in his life and he's about to pack up his shit and leave.
I hate when he does this. It just makes me want to cry. I mean... Its just been my mama and me since I was a baby. I mean, sure there was grandma and grandpa involved for the first few years to help raise me, but me and my mom have stuck together thick and thin. And this father figure I have now came in when I was about 5 years old, and everything was good, until I hit about 10 or 11. It was like I could do no right at that point. We could play and laugh, but if I made one unknowingly wrong move, he would get so angry with me. If i spilled anything I became a selfish pig. Clumsiness runs in my family, but it seems to be an unforgivable thought in his eyes. I tried to make him happy, but I guess I've always known that I wouldn't be perfect, so he would never like me enough, or be nicer to me.
Then when everything happened, he seemed to hate me so much and on one occasion he even called me "whore." I told my mom, but she didn't believe me, which only made the hate in my heart sting worse because it went without vengeance.
Today was no different, I got the whole ranting schbeal again, and he made a comment as to one day I would see my mother's follies and I would hate her too and blah blah blah. And I mean... My mom has some serious flaws. We all do. Does that make her an awful person? Absolutely not. i mean, sometimes Dad makes some valid points about my mother, but he shouldn't be so critical of her, he shouldn't throw bricks at glass houses when he lives in one.
I mean... I love my mom, and no matter what I'm on her side. She may, yes, annnoy the crap out of me sometimes, but I will NEVER side with anyone else, she's my mama. She gave up a lot to take care of and have me. Why would I think badly of a woman like that?
It just hurts to think about....

Off She Goes

Nora left yesterday. It was a day I've been dreading for longer than I like to think. She'd known she was going to move to Tennessee for quite some time now, but I guess I was just waiting for her to end up staying anyways. But as the time grew closer and closer for her departure, it became more and more real, and I cried sometimes, but tried to stay positive, though when Joseph decided to be a nut-tard, everything got so much harder to bare. Everything is fine with us now, we've seen each other a few times since the incidents I guess. Which is good.
But it seemed like everything went too fast and Nora seemed to run away in a sense. First they sold the house, her parents left, she stayed with me for a couple days, then she stayed at the her boss's house in what is called the crib which is a small house in a garage, and now she's gone. I feel like we didn't spend even a quarter of as much time together as we should have. I feel like I took her for granted all these years. Like I didn't care enough while she was here, I just figured, hey, she'll always be here, why worry? But now I have to worry because me and my best friend can't just go out for coffee and a chat anymore, no sleepovers, no just hanging around, no memories to share, only memories to tell one another. I'm so afraid that this will mean we'll lose touch and never see each other again, and slowly fade into each others memories. And I will try my hardest to make sure we stay close, She has been my everything forever, and I'm not going to give that up easily.
She gave me her hope when she left, though. She had a bracelet that she always wore that said "Hope" on it, and she said "my hope is yours now. I live by it and you should too" and I liked that. It made me feel a tiny smidge happier knowing that I had one more sentimental thing of hers to keep. I just wish I had given more to her.
So Nora is gone now, and all she left was teary lakes full of memories, love, and hope. I just wish I could keep her will all of that too.
But I'll see you soon, Nora. Even though I couldn't help you move in, I will come to visit, and we'll have coffee and talk and walk around and be silly just like always. I love you, Nora. You're the best friend a crazy girl could ask for. <3

Saying Goodbye Part 2

As we got closer and closer to the funeral home, my heart started to race. I started getting anxious and wanting to tell Nora to turn around and that I didn't want to go. But I never opened my mouth to say any of those things, so we found a lonely parking space, and walked in with some of the friends or family who knew her. I saw a few people I knew, and met Micki's Mamaw, who seemed a kind old woman. It took a little while for me to get through the door, but I followed a crying woman eventually, signed the guest book, took one of Micki's cards and moved into the main room. Seeing her on the other side of the room, still as can be made my eyes well up. I knew I would cry, and was surprised that I hadn't when I got out of the car. But I'd held strong til that moment. I stood in the middle of an aisle, just staring, crying, turning away, then looking back again. One of her friends came up to me, her face red and soaked with tears. We pulled each other into a hug. This girl was one of Micki's best friends, and was with her the night she died. She said that she was sorry, and I couldn't say anything back, she then told me that Micki absolutely loved me, and that she talked about me all the time. I started to cry a little harder and the girl pulled me back into a hug until she said she had to go find her mother. I was ashamed that I couldn't say anything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've apologized to her since then. She said it was alright, and she meant what she said. That was a bittersweet feeling.
It took a long time to get up towards the front after that. But when I saw a mutual friend of ours who had journalism with us and was part of our tight-knit group of 4. I went up to her for a hug, then when she went to see Micki's mom, Nora asked me if I wanted to go too, and I agreed because I knew I wouldn't get myself up there alone. Her mother cried and cried. It seemed like every person who came to give her their condolences was like hearing her daughter had died all over again. She sobbed the whole time I was there. I felt so awful for her. Next came Micki.
Seeing her in her pretty coffin, laying with her headphones a pink leopard stuffed animal, and various bracelets laced around her little wrists, just made it all the more difficult. It ached in every part of me to see such a lively and vibrant girl so still, to know that she would never grace the company of the room with her presence again, and that she wouldn't be there to make any of us smile...ever....
We stayed for a while, I was again stuck in the back, wishing that I could get off of my numb butt, and let my feet carry me over to her to say my final goodbye. Lots of people came and went from her coffin, and I stayed, Nora holding tight to my hand and shoulder, waiting for my decision, very patiently. I am very thankful she did, I know how funerals and such make her feel. And I'm so glad she stayed with me. After a while I choked out that I was waiting for the last couple people by her coffin to go, then I wanted to say goodbye and we could go. She helped me stand when it came time, and waited behind me while I went up to her coffin alone, and told her I loved her, I missed her already, and said my final, whisper-sobbed, tearful goodbye. When I was ready as I was going to be I turned, and Nora lead me back out to her car. She then bought me ice cream, and shared a memory of Micki she had. It was just one, but she didn't know her well, though she knew how special she was to me and wanted to cheer me up.

Poetry-like for the moment:
The moon watched as the sun buried its competition behind a pair of bright headlights. R.I.P. Micki. You will be remembered always.

Saying Goodbye

Today is the day of my dear friend Micki's wake. The day I have to say goodbye for real, goodbye forever. It makes me sad to know that I'll never see her bright and shining face smiling and laughing ever again. If I had known that she would die when I left her in the Freshman hall at school I would have tried to hold on tighter, tell her to be more careful, especially in the dark. Like many others I posted a goodbye to her on Facebook, trying to condense my last blog, though with different embellishments and much much shorter.
I truly will miss her, and I'm dreading her wake with every fiber of my being. I don't want to say goodbye to her, she was too young to die. Even the sky looks sad that its over for her now. Its gray and depressing out today.
I'm so afraid to see a casket with that little girl inside not looking the way she used to. I hate that about funerals, the last time you see that person, you don't want to see them like that. I want to remember her as I last saw her, Smiling and laughing, bouncing around, full of life. I don't want to see her lying still, because she wasn't that kind of person. I hope for a closed casket in a way... though in the same respect, I want to see her one last time, and say goodbye to her face. There is no opting out of this, I'll never forgive myself if I don't go and say goodbye for real.
I just got a phone the other day, and I'd told Micki on Wednesday I would be getting one Saturday, promising her she'd be one of the first I texted, and I'd make sure to keep her fingers occupied on the phone while she went back down to Kentucky. The ability to text just seems rather lonely without her.
I had a dream last night, that I got a little ping from her, she'd texted me and I went to some place, and she was sitting on this stool in this small room of people. She put a drink down on the table and stood up to face me. I was then right up beside her. Her face had a few minor scratches, but she was smiling, and I saw her lips begin to move, but I couldn't tell what she was saying, because I was starting to wake up. I woke up wishing I could have heard what she said, and that she was still alive.
I don't want to say goodbye. Its too soon.....

Micki

On the 17th a dear friend to me was struck by a car not far from here, and killed at about 9 o'clock, she was pronounced dead on the scene. She was only 15 years old.
The initial shock when I found out yesterday made me scream and cry and shout "No! No! No!" But honestly there was no amount of words that could bring her back.
Now, I had only known this precious girl since the beginning of my senior year, she was in Journalism with me after about the first week, she was one of two Freshman in the class, also making her one of the youngest members of the school paper's staff. I don't remember when we first talked, or what we said to each other, but I remember she was sweet and full of life, she just seemed so excited just to BE, and the silly girl had a thing for socks, ever new pair she got she had to show them off, it was the funniest damn thing you could ever see.
After spending only about an hour every day talking to her I began to realize, that my past was her present. She was almost exactly how I was when I was a freshman. We had a few differences of course, she was a tad crazier (meaning in a fun way) than me, and 2x as outgoing. She had a light inside her that touched everyone around her, she was....amazing really.
No tears come when I think of her now, I feel very devastated by the situation, but I can't imagine how her family and best friends feel about it, including the girl who was with her during the incident. Losing someone so precious after only being able to have her for 15 years must be 100x worse than anything I may feel right now, or last night or even when I found out. I hope that somehow I can get a message out to them that I'm sending condolences, and I know that I'll figure out a way.
Micki was a precious girl, there's no other way to explain her, she was very special, and bright, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't see her smiling. It seems like this all went too fast... Like, now you see her now you don't. First your hugging her goodbye at school, the last time you see her, not knowing you would never see her again, and now she's dead.
There. I typed it, its true now. Micki is dead. It seems impossible, but she is. Now comes the confusion, where I am and have been since I calmed down from crying last night. I know what death is, I know what death means, but any connotation of that word added next to her name seems impossible. How a girl who was never able to just sit still, which made her beautiful and fun, how she has to stay still now forever seems impossible. Simply impossible, like, they must have made a mistake, she could never die. She wasn't supposed to die yet, she was supposed to die old and happy and warm in her bed when she's like... 90 okay? That was how it was supposed to go. But it didn't. I guess I keep waiting for her to log into facebook and see that all her friends said "rest in peace" and "i'll miss you" and "I love you" and she'll just be confused, and reply to everyone like "What's going on you guys? I'm only in Kentucky!" Because that's where she's from. She was so excited on Wednesday because she was going home for the summer. She was so excited. She was supposed to go there today....
Rest in Peace Micki. Guess this makes you a real angel now.

This is a video a couple of her close friends made for her:
You don't have to watch the whole thing, the last couple minutes are a montage of Micki. I love and miss her, and this made me cry a little.

JoeJoe Rickyleheim: Whats on my mind

Joseph, okay.... I'm still angry at you for lying to me about the Jeremy thing. But... I haven't gotten the much needed chance to talk to you, and its driving me buggy! I mean.. You're my best friend, you and Nora both are my BFFs you know? And... Honestly, I don't care who you hang out with, when, or why, so you hanging with Jeremy is fine, but I'm just a tad worried about it. I mean... I dont want him to talk shit about me or something, then have you turn your back on me. Nora is already leaving me, I can't have you gone too, if you leave me I'll feel like Stevo when Heroin Bob died, I'll be all alone... and then I'll probably start acting like Sean :| You know? I don't cherish anyone or care about ANYONE more than I care about you and Nora. Now if you please just get in contact with me? Somehow?
Look, like what Nora said, I don't care if you hang with Jeremy, and what you do with your time is yours, and what you want to say and don't want to say is all up to you, just don't lie to me okay? The only reason I wigged shit is because I hated the fact that my best friend could lie to me :/
Just... Please don't leave me okay? I'm sorry if I made you mad or anything, just please, for the love of god, don't side with Jeremy and leave me in the dust.
Another thing: You said you've tried the hard drugs before and it screwed you over and you're not going back, and Jeremy said that all he would ever do is Pot because the other stuff can kill.... I don't want you to pull a Jeremy and start with the Coke... okay? Please, for both our sakes, I don't wanna have to try and take care of you when you get all funny.... and I don't mean funny haha... You know what I mean though.... Please, Joseph....Just....Please?

Stevo & Bob:

The Prank Call to a True Loser

After a short freak out on Thursday, and just wanting to drink coffee with Nora, I called her up, and we ended up going to a small diner in town, where we ate a lot of crap and drank coffee and talked and what not. And during our talk our exes came up. One in particular, my ex Jeremy. I can't really decipher between what was said last night and what was said Thursday night, so I'll just type the just of it.
Jeremy still does drugs and is getting into the more hardcore shit, he's a dealer got his own place, nearly went to jail for auto theft and driving without a license, he's practically a pedophile, 20 years old chasing 16-year-old pussy, not over me (Nora's words; her hunch) But doesn't want "anything" to do with me, though he confided in Joseph that he wishes we were still friends. Blah blah blah.
So, I broke up with the guy because he wouldn't stop smoking pot, and that is SO not my jam, my biological father left our family after I was born because he would have rather smoked pot than have something tangible to hold onto through thick and thin, I saw Jeremy the same way when he smoked pot, so I gave him an ultimatum, Pot or me, he chose me for a while, but reverted to what he knew, and I cut off our like..... 8/9 month relationship, I didn't care how much I loved him, I couldn't let him hurt me anymore. Now, we talked for a little while, but he always victimized himself, asking how i could just leave him like that, how i could do that to him when I'd told him i loved him blah blah blah, sob sob sob. I sound heartless, but I'm so fed up with that Mother right now, I can't even deal with it.
So as I talked to Nora, I said something about how funny it would be if I got into pot and what not, knowing fully well that I never would, and Nora suggested jokingly that I should go to him and ask if I could buy some off of him, after laughing at the look that would be on his face, we moved on, and as I felt feistier and feistier, I decided it would be a real riot to call him and ask.
After we left the diner, Nora texted out what to say, because she's much faster at it than I am, and handed me the phone. "Only send it if you really want to." I wished I was a little more impulsive, I worried that it would start drama and what not, and I would regret it. "Don't regret the things you do." Nora told me, "Everything has a purpose, there's a plan for you, and good or bad every mistake is part of it..." and she went into some really deep spiritual shit, as Nora is so good at, and ultimately the button was clicked and we started the fun. At first he texted back a simple "No." then he asked who it was, though we'd said it was me. We then said "oh, you've forgotten me already" and we got back a "Shit" then a whiny "well you forgot about me a long time ago" blah blah blah. Though we didn't get much sobby whinyness from him like I'd expected. But right after he sent "shit" Joseph called. Nora knew he'd been hanging out with Jeremy lately, and figured they were together at that moment. Nora answered after letting it ring and a lot of consideration, then talked to Joseph who "wasn't with Jeremy", but we knew better. He started texting us after that, saying he only called because his text wouldn't go through. We KNEW he was lying then! He hates talking on his phone, and his texting seemed to be working just fine after he got off the phone. Plus, upon texting him where we were and asking if he could come hang out, he said he was confined to his house, which is never and has never been true, and he'd used the same excuse on Jeremy once before. He was flat out lying to us. So then it was time to really get into it. It was supposed to be a short and funny prank between me, Nora, and Jeremy, but now that Joseph had lied, i had to bring out a whole new can of worms.
I was FURIOUS I mean, i get that Joseph doesn't have to tell us everything, but lying!? No fucking way was I gonna deal with that. I told Nora I wanted to call him out and tell him I knew he was a liar, but she said nothing made him more angry then being called a liar. So I opted out on that because I didn't want him to be angry, I just wanted to make him feel bad.
So I went along with what we told Jeremy when he asked why I wanted some weed. I'd had a bad day. So, being a good faker when it comes to crying on the phone, I called Joseph, and started pretending to sob. I told him that I'd had an awful day with Gio and that I just wanted him to be there with me, and I demanded to know why he couldn't come out and all this other stuff, and he was silent for a while. And somehow I knew he'd put me on speaker, like we'd done to him. Then Nora got on with him, and talked for a few seconds, in which time he said "well just put her to bed or something" though he sounded a little ashamed and sad. Good. The prankinng ended not long after that and Nora and I went home.
Yesterday she took me to dinner at a place that just got remodeled that her sister works at now,and the food and drinks were all complimentary. When we were coming back in town, Nora said something about wanting to go to a park, but Jeremy was at one with Joseph and one of his other friends. Shit. Well. I'd had too much Jeremy for one week and I was about fed up, we ended up having to go see him so we could pick up one of our girls who was tired and there and wanted to go home. I only caught a glimpse of him so that was all good.
But earlier, Nora told me that she'd seen him after the Prank, like Friday I think she said. And she told me that he kept telling her not to let me text him and that he didn't want anything to do with me, and how once I'd called him a loser, but I couldn't do that now.
Alright:
Jeremy- Deals drugs, apparently does Coke now, doesn't have a real job, dropped out of high school, isn't going to college, and will probably only go to jail in the future.... I don't see how he's not still a loser. But maybe its just me.