Pencil or Pen?

I haven't posted anything in a few days, but I've been writing about everything that happens... Every negative thing I feel, and sometimes the positive, the sick and twisted thoughts and the sunshine. And I'll type that up eventually, I think.

Ugh. :|

Walking into your house is never exciting when your parents are arguing.
My step-dad is the insecure type, and the more I listen to them bicker about how he thinks she's going out and fucking around on him, the more I realize I need to clear up my own insecurity. I'm not going to live like those two. Its fucking insane. I've got to get my shit together. :|

Self Help. It works! I think....

I'm starting to frequently ask the internet advice about my issues, anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, *cough cough That's recent* and you can really come across great things nad great tips on how to overcome fears and jealousy and insecurity and love yourself because that's the root of the problem.
Like...  a few months ago I was again becoming very prone to panic attacks and they'd just wreck and exhaust me like they did when I was in my early years of high school. I couldn't deal, it was awful, something would plague my mind and suddenly I wasn't breathing. Or that's how it felt, everything around me was tight, like and elephant was sitting on me, and when I'd finally come out of it, I'd lay down and sleep hours away, and wake up more exhausted. Soooo I looked it up online, and I found some really great tips on how to calm myself when I feel it coming on.

So, having issues with insecurity lately, and KNOWING Mark would never do anything to hurt me, I've been looking up ways to overcome insecurity both in relationships and in general and I came across a really cool article; Here! Here! Right here! Click meeeee!!! And reading over it, I can start to see more hope for myself and my relationship with Mark, because I'm kind of very in love with him, and I refuse to talk about our separation over my anxiety and insecurity. We're practically perfect for each other, he calms me, I calm him, we fit. And that's not something you let go of.

"Here's the thing, Arielle. People aren't fucking butterflies." - Mark after I said our relationship is like a butterfly, if you let it go, and it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.

And we're not. So I have to stop pushing him away. He's mine, and I love him, and he loves me, thick and thin, and that's all that matters. I just want to better myself so we can both be happier.

Besides, what's this blog about anyways? Not just my life. Its about helping MYSELF and showing the process so maybe I can help others find their strength and pull themselves through their issues :]

Just a Word, But a Long Description

OneWord <3
I've been going back and forth from loving the site oneword to disliking it greatly when I have no comment on the word of the day. But this is what I have made...

Cells:

Cells, padded walls, thinking jail, just jail prison maybe crazy people. Padded rooms and strait jackets, staring out of the windows longing for sunlight, feeling the darkness, falling into the blackness, darkness, I see the light but I don’t know its hand, love from the sun, I wish for love from the sun.

Cigarette:

I’ve always been fascinated by the way smoke comes out of peoples mouths. I really like those time warp-type videos where smoke coils out from behind someone’s teeth in slow motion. I always hoped to look like that the first few times I smoked, but i only felt like an idiot, choking down the smoke that I was allergic to.

Band:

I used to write stories about bands. Not like…. About being in a band, but about girls who fall in love with boys in bands. I always felt that there was a lack of such things in modern literature. It’s always high school or vampires or werewolves and bullshit… Where’s the music?

Driving:

It’s that sleepy smile you get across your face while we’re driving together at night. Like you’re perfectly content to just keep driving me around. Happy to stay in one small place with me, share, laugh, and touch in the simplest ways. I’ll always love you for the small gifts you give me like that.

Deer:

I can remember it vaguely. Talking to the deer when i was younger. I remember saying hello, and asking how it was, and it just kept walking closer and closer, interested in this young human child talking to it. Maybe I spoke its language, maybe not, either way it was interested, I can remember reaching out to it until Grandpa’s beeper went off… Then he ran away. I could have made a new friend that day…

Missed:

I used to be under the impression that I missed you, and I suppose on some days I still do. But considering and looking at all the things I have now; beautiful things that keep my soul shining and my heart smiling. I know in my heart that I don’t miss you at all. You were evil and awful, and I couldn’t even think of wishing to see you again.

Sinking:

There’s a sinking feeling in my soul; in my bones when the evil tells me all the bad you could potentially do to me. I try not to listen; i try not to hear but the voices scream so loud its hard to tune them out. It feels like I’m falling into myself, like my ribs are caving down on my lungs crushing me, drowning me in my thoughts and sorrow. And then I see you, and i lift from the depths of my emotion, and resurface into your arms.

Umbrella:

I like those clear umbrellas. The ones you can look up in and watch the rain fall at your face, like its desperately trying to reach you, but just spilling off the sides and the perimeters of the umbrella you’re holding to stay dry. I especially like the polka dotted ones. Not because they’re useful but because they’re just fun. And I like that.

Ant:

I’ve never had the heart to kill bugs and things. I feel so awful taking any form of life…. like… I always feel like breaking the little bugs is like breaking a human and I feel so sick when I do it. I’m told that once when I was very small I stepped on an ant, and bent down to “kiss it better” even though it was dead. I felt so dreadful stepping on him, I can remember the little ache in my little innocent heart if I think hard enough.

Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

Coming Back and Catching up

Wow! I haven't written anything in here for like... a thousand years!!! What was the last thing I even posted in here?! *view blog in new tab... wait 5 minutes because computer is sllooowwwww....*

Holy Cow! The last post is something in particular that's been plaguing me lately.... Funny how history repeats itself.

Anywayssssss Lemme see....

I quit my hostessing job.... That was amazing, the management was just way too insane for me, they demanded too much while i made too little and the people (not the ones I worked with, they were all absolute dolls!!) that came in were soooo HORRENDOUS!

I'm now working as a front desk clerk at a hotel, its way more relaxed especially with my busy school schedule, first time taking 15 credits and its kiiiinnnda exhausting!

Lets see, what else?

Oh!! Great news! Nora moved back, but not without a horde of drama following her. But me And Joseph did go get to see her place in Tennessee in, what was it? March? I don't remember. But it was a great experience, maybe i'll tell you sometime.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that I've been with Mark for over a year now! I know! CRAZY!!! INSANITY!! CAN'T BE TRUE! But it is and I'm very happy about it.

I don't think about the bad b word as much, and he doesn't plague my thoughts so much as he did in the past, but I still have a lot of insecurity to work through because of the pain he's caused me... I do still periodically want to get into contact with him... Just talking about him makes me want to go straight to his facebook page and click 'request friendship' but I still refrain.

Lets see... I can't think of much more, but I'll probably think of something later

Not the Only One Wanted

Sometimes when I'm in relationships it feels like I'm not the only one the guy wants. I may be one of those people, but it seems like his eye may be on more than one other person, when I really just want it to be on me. Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel so much of it right now.

A Letter to Mark (that I'll probably never send)

I initially typed it out on facebook.... But... I couldn't hit the send button. It all comes from an incident yesterday when we were laying together and I mentioned that today (the 12) would be the day that I said I'd be Mark's girlfriend 4 months ago. Technically its been 5 months because a month before I agreed to be his girlfriend I told him we could be exclusive. Meaning, I wasn't going to see anyone but him...

"I would have texted you this but its so much less time consuming and easier for my fingers to say what I want this way anyways. Plus this means I don't have to send you like.... 40 texts and wake your silly butt up and all that jazz.... I hope you don't see this while I'm around... Or maybe its better that you do? I'm really not sure, but I know that you may not get this right away... And that's alright, because I feel it right now, I don't believe that it's going to change, and that's all that matters.
5 months. Technically. that's not a bad thing at all I don't want you to think that I think its a bad thing... Does that make sense? I mean... Technically its 5, though I know I only agreed to be your girlfriend 4 months ago, but one month before that I stopped seeing everyone else so I could be with you.
When I first realized that I was happy you know? Like... Wow... its been 5 months and it seems like such a short time that we've been together. Then I thought of my routine of coming to see you on Saturday mornings (that hasn't been happening lately but whatever) And how I come to see you on Monday. then again on Tuesday, and once more still on Wednesday. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other and that isn't what this is about. But I thought again of the Word "Routine" then I heard someone from my past say "Boring" in my head. And I asked myself, "Am I happy? Is this 'routine' healthy?" And I got scared because suddenly I couldn't remember. Like... I knew I was and I know I AM happy with you and I like what we do and how we are. So that's not really the point. And the Healthy question was more of something from the past I realize because I've sectioned myself off to one person before and I couldn't tell if maybe I was doing it again... But.... I don't really know where this is going anymore so Ima tell you the rest of it.
Anyways.... So... I thought of the number 5 and its significance and the fact that its one small skip away from 6, and 6 months... that's half a year. Thats where my "Thats a long time" came from. Because all these thoughts rushed me, and I realized that 6 is half of 12 (silly I know but stick with me here okay?) 12 is one year.... an entire year. And that seems so ungodly scary to me, and when I realized it (a very quick thing it was) My stomach just dropped, like its doing now... And I started to worry. I just thought 5 months is one off of half a year and that much closer to an unpredictable time when you feel that stupid L word and end up saying it. I don't want you to. I can't help it I know I told you I'd try to.... I dunno... Deal with it? Nah, that sounds to harsh... Like... I really hope you know what I mean.... But it scares the ever living shit out of me. I like the way things are right now, I don't want anything to confuse or derail it. I don't want you to end up making me feel anymore than..... well... anymore than I have to and then go. And I know you're not everyone else, believe me the contrasts are through the roof on that one.... But I mean... Does this make ANY sense to you? I really hope it does and you're like... not angry or something.... :/ I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking.... What I AM thinking...."

Offended

Last night I went over to talk with Mark about the comment I made and why I got so upset over it.
There was a lot of talking on his part, but as in all arguments I never know what to say and when, so I let him go with it.
He was rather offended that I would think that he would ever cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He thought it was completely outrageous that I came to that conclusion without even thinking about who he was as a person. He then moved on to comparing me to his ex. Saying that she hadn't an ounce of empathy in her body, while it was a main part of who I am. He also said that I couldn't possibly make him unhappy unless I was unhappy, thus far in the relationship anyways, and that all his ex did was make him unhappy and feel trapped. That was the main reason he cheated on her, because he wanted out and he'd mentioned to her countless times that he wanted out and she'd just wave them off and pretend nothing had happened. He'd said that he knew it wasnt the right thing to do and he could tell that he'd hurt her by doing it, and he felt awful and like when he did it he'd broken his own heart instead of her doing it for him
He said that even though she was awful, he loved her. And somewhere in his head he always thought that if he loved her enough she would change, so he tried and tried and tried and ended up only hurting himself. He said he'd made a vow to himself that if he was ever that unhappy in a relationship again, no matter what, he would get out of it without resorting to cheating. And he then reminded me that he made a promise to me that he would never cheat, and that I'd never have to worry about it.
He mentioned a lot of other things, like the fact that if we ever lived together he wouldn't want to cheat just because I wouldnt have sex with him everyday, he knew it wasn't in me to put out every day anyways, and that if it was going to make me unhappy he didnt want to even risk it. he said that it would be vain and shallow of him to cheat on me for that. Or even at all. He said that he wouldnt do it not only because of the promises he made but because it would hurt me, and he didnt want to do anything to upset me.
Lastly he said that we both owed each other an apology, me for shutting him out and reacting the way I did, and him because he didnt think the comment he made would be taken so literally on my part.
All in all, he said the right things. And he's not going anywhere.

Guarantee

So last night I went to see Mark. And It was all good fun until right before I left.
Now.. It was all because of his ex-girlfriend who he dated for four years, and I mean, I've known about her and have heard about her a lot before, and why he was with her and why he hated it and what she was like and yada ya. But yesterday he made something clear to me that set me over the edge.
Now... A lot of the time when he talks to me about her, he mentions that she never like... NEVER wanted to sleep with him, and made him feel like a bad person for even wanting to. Which is one of the reasons he cheated on her.
And, I knew this and I've freaked out about him cheating on her, but he knows it was a mistake and I mean, to a certain extent I can kind of understand why he'd want to find validation, almost, through someone else. Its not awesome to me, He shouldn't have done it, but its in his past and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
But he made it seem like with his ex, she NEVER put out, like... he would go months on end without getting any. I can also understand where that would be frustrating. Living with someone, having dated them for four years and never like... EVER having sex.
But last night, he was talking about something, and that whole thing came up, and he said something like it would be a maximum of two days that she wouldn't sleep with him.
It took a minute to register what he'd said, but I was stunned.
"Two days?" I'd said.
And he kind of laughed and said "Yeah" and started comparing it to something else but I stopped him. I wouldn't listen anymore.
I flipped.
I straight up smacked him upside the head and beat up on him as he held me into him and tried to calm me while I literally screamed "What if I did that to you?"
He didn't understand and having to remove myself from the situation before causing too much damage, I left.
All I could think was that if he couldn't go two flipping days without getting laid, he must honestly be in the relationship for sex and it was inevitable that he would cheat on me. And I put myself in his ex's position, envisioning myself living with him and I KNEW I couldn't put out every single day, I just wouldn't be able to. I'm not that kind of girl.
He texted me about 5 times as I was on my way home from his house and one of the texts said that he held her up to different standards than he held me up to, and then proceeded to say that it irritated him with her because they lived together. If he wanted to stay with me, that was a big no no.
He's made it clear that he's in this relationship for the long haul, and long haul to me means that one day, if we stay together, we'll have our own place. Having our own place to him would mean that I'd have to fuck him every single day if i wanted to ensure that he wouldn't cheat on me. That's what it says to me.

And It really sucks knowing that it's inevitable now that he's going to cheat, because I really did like him, and I even secretly wanted him to tell me he loved me and for me to say it back eventually. I mean, i actually wanted to get to that point. But now I feel stupid for even believing the best in him. Feel like it was all a dirty joke. The trust i'd built up for him has literally plummeted to almost nothing.
And I'm going to go have a talk with him tomorrow afternoon, but I'm of the strong opinion that it will end with me leaving his house single.

Nothing to Report

There's really nothing I've got to say lately. All the feelings I've had have been repeats of prior postings, and I hate writing it twice.
Im in a funk at Mark right now, but he's a persistent little bastard and hasn't let it get to him.
I know I've been rude and really pissy towards him but I can't stop. I keep trying to push and shove and detatch myself.
I keep thinking, "he wants to keep me, but I don't want to be kept." and its true.
I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, I'm only 19 years old.
He said something last night about how he understood that I wasn't quite old enough to cherish companionship. And I finally mentioned to him that he's not, all-knowing or as weathered in life as he likes to think he is. Which of course he disagreed with, so I made a :| face at him and walked away from the situation.
Acting like this to him made me wonder why he didn't give up.
So I asked, if he knew why he put up with me.
He said something along the lines of "Its because I know the real Arielle, and your pissy moments aren't THAT bad."
I yelled at him after that saying I didn't really care why, i just wanted to know if he knew, because I'd been under the impression he didn't for some reason.
Anyways.... Thats kinda what's been going on.
Otherwise it's school, work, parents got home from vacation, school, school, finding time to hang out with my friends, etc. All very boring.

Replacing Nora. Well, Sort of.

"Then: Imogene
I didn't realize how much I'd missed Maxine until she finally got back and showed up at my front door on the first Saturday in August. No, that's not true. I'd missed her terribly and knew it the whole time she was gone. I'd tried not to think about it. Maybe I was her first best friend, but she was mine, too. Not having her around to talk to every day was like having a black hole in the middle of my life..."

The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint

Nora, Nora, Nora. I've discovered that I'm blogging/writing a lot more. I'm always writing in my yellow notebook and regurgetating its contents onto this webside. I never wrote or kept a journal before. I've never honestly had to. I've had Nora there for every moment I needed her. Since I really, truly started feeling the world and needing a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold she's been there. And now she's gone.
We don't talk much and I'm sorry I took for granted that she'd always be there. I miss talking to her and telling her everything about what was going on in my head, and her doing the same for me, I miss having coffee with her, and knowing how she is and what she was up to almost all the time, and vise-versa. She was a Best Friend-Soul Mate.

My cousin said something that made sense to me the other day, she said that she believed that everyone has a bunch of soul mates, they're just soul mates, and loved in a different way. I knew then that Coral was one of mine.

Reading that part of The Blue Girl this morning, it hit me. I realized I've replaced not being able to talk to her with my blog. Everything I long to tell her I write right here.

The Bittersweet Return of Giovanni Donatello

I've started talking to Gio again. it was a little sudden. He re-requested my friendship on facebook, I accepted, wanting to know how he was, but mostly just wanting him to know that I was ready to be friends too. We didn't talk at all at first, but when we were both online it seemed like he posted a lot of statuses. Almost like he was trying to gather my attention the way we used to do when we broke up and remained facebook friends before.
Then the shit went down with Mark and we broke up for that three minute span of time, and Gio Instant messaged me to see if i was okay. I didn't answer. That is- until a couple days later.
I said thank you for messaging to find out if I was doing alright, and that I was sorry I didn't answer. He said it was fine and he just wondered because a mutual friend of ours told him that Mark seemed like he was really good for me. We talked a while, catching up with each other, Playing a bit of the "Hey, remember that time-?" game then we parted our online ways.
We've talked a few times since then. And sometimes I really miss him. Miss the way he understood me, the way we talked and laughed and were. And I'm happy that we're friends again and can joke and talk like old times. But at the same time it's a really sad experience because I know how strongly I felt for him, and I know that if anything ever happened where for some crazy reason we got back together, we'd never be the happiness we once were.

Stay the Night

We spent the night together Saturday night. Mark went to his brother's bachelor party dinner, but opted out of the gambling in Milwaukee and came to stay the night with me. We sat and watched Harry Potter (the 5th and 6th ones) because he hadn't seen them yet. And I fed him left over lasagna by the end of the night. He thought it was delicious, I told him his taste buds were retarded or totally skewed because it was a single serving microwave dinner kind of thing.
Anyways, back to Harry Potter:
Having seen the movies, hear about them, and read their cooresponding books I wasn't too kean on watching them again, but I complied. I had told him to pick out a movie, and not wanting to argue over it or decide for three hours I said totally. His commentary on the 6th was a lot more than hilarious. He didn't like the pointless relationship sub-plots, and thought they were too prominent in the movie. He was right.
It was hard not to tell him what was going to happen when he was talking about his thoughts on how the next movie would go, and wondered mildly how it would end. (He, unlike me, hasn't read all the books so he doesn't actually know). But it was hard for me not to give any spoilers out.
After that I told him I wanted to go to bed, and I did, I'd slept through half of the 6th movie and "snored in my ear like this-" Mark said, then pressing his face to mine, making light, fuzzy snoring noises. I just laughed, only a little embarassed because he thought it was funny and cute rather than gross and annoying.
It was nice to have his arms around me all night. And I mean, ALL NIGHT. Almost like the times I spent the night with Gio. Though the bed I slept in with Gio was much bigger and a thousand times more comfortable. Plus Gio didn't sleep all night without moving much or making a peep. But it was just as nice. Different than the last time i spent the night with a boyfriend, but still wonderful.
Waking up is always the best. There was a lot of laughter and we sat there together a while and he tried to defeat a puzzle game I'd shown him a little while back. I helped him the last time he tried it, and we won it together. Then we went out for breakfast where nothing too exciting happened but it was a nice, still fun. Then he dropped me off back home and went to his friend's to watch football.
Overall a good time I think <3

Alright, Breathe Bitch

Alright, so Mark made it clear- No love yet. THANK GOD! Or whoever may be listening. He had me really worried there. I didn't even have to ask him straight out. The easing answer came via text. I'd sent him "liiiiikkkeee" or some variation there of because, well... That's kind of our thing. We'll tease eachother then say something like "Liiike" or "Like you!" Silly shit like that. So I said it and got back "Loooo..." and then he put something like GOT YOU! and made a mention about how it wasn't true "Yet."
This wave of releif filled me up, happiness, Straight Up. It's a good day.

L Word Woes

Sooo... Mark Loves me? I don't like it. it's too soon. It's just too much too soon.... Is it love or just ultra lust or am I just panicking? I mean, maybe now he's not so much dancing around it as he's tiptoeing closer and it freaks me out. Or maybe he's mentioning it the same as usual ad since our recent relationship based conversation, I'm being hyper-sensitive to it. But the undeniable thing is that he eluded to it.
I was snuggling up on his Cat Rufus, and petting him and whatnot And I was like "oohh lookit how cute you are, Mr. Man!!" And Mark was over trying to fix his computer and was like "why thank you!" but I really wasn't listening to him, I heard him, but I ignored him really, and I was like "I love you sooo much!!" to the cat, and then I heard Mark say "Now I KNOW you're not talking to me", and he came over and stood next to me and the cat (we were on his bed), and I was scruffing up the cat and saying "and I know you love me too!!" And Mark was quiet a second and said "probably more" and I assumed he was talking about more than I loved the cat so I was like "nooooo" but at the same time Mark said "More than me...." I just kinda ignored it and didn't make eye contact with him, and he stood there kinda awkwardly for a second... Because I just didn't know what to do.
No. It must be some kind of mistake in my mind. I'm just overreacting because he said while telling me he didn't want to lose me ever that the feelings he had for me could be equated as love...
I must be over-thinking way too into this. He must be trying to prepare me for it. But he gets so awkward when he says anything about it. Awkward really isn't his style... I'm not sure what to think... But I MUST be overreacting. There's no other explanation, no way in hell he could be in love yet. Just. No. Way. Bur he said he thought I was "the one" as in "THE ONE" The BIG one... The only one for him... UGH! What am I gonna do with this mess?
I just don't know... All my fear and anxiety is focusing on this aspect of my life. I have to disprove this. I have to know if he loves me or not so I can truly rest easy when he says "no" and I have a real reason to freak out if he says "yes".

Some Bullshit Went Down

This is an e-mail I wrote to Nora because I'm too lazy to re-write the bullshit that went down with Mark.

"Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, but I got lots of time now!
Alright, so, of course, like i felt and did to Gio, I felt like Mark had some kind of ulterior motive to be with me, because who would want to be with me for me? right? Yeah, and I know thats not true but, i totally felt that way about it :/ and it happens sometimes. Also, as you know I'd told him what happened my sophomore year, and I let him in farther than I've let any other boyfriend in, and that scared the crap outa me, you know? I mean, the more you know about someone the more you have in your arsenal to hurt them with, and thats the way I saw it. It scared me, so I started pushing him away by attacking him, and I was starting all this shit with him the other night. I was trying to push him to the edges of leaving me and all this other stuff even though, like with Gio, I didn't want him to go. But I kept pushing and pushing. even though I knew it was wrong.
I figure its because I didn't learn from my relationship with Gio- history repeats itself.
Anyways, so the next morning I get a text from him basically saying he wanted to come by my house and get the stuff of his that I have.
So i was like "does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
and he was like "well yeah because I can't deal with your pointless arguing" and the fact that I can't believe anything he says or I think that he's lying all the time.
And for a while we argued about it and said some shit we didn't mean, and after I started feeling bad about saying those things, I apologized, and our conversation turned momentarily serious, and he said that he just couldn't date me if we had such chasms between us and stuff and I was like yeah i understand.
Then somehow we started joking around with each other, talking about Mermaids in my jeans and asshats and crazy funny shit, because the pressure of relationship status wasn't weighing down on me, and somehow I can always open up way easier to guy friends than boyfriends. And he started realizing what he was losing in me; all the things he liked and yada ya.
Then he started saying things mid texts about how he really didn't want to break up and how he really thought we could make it work, and the last text about it was actually really cute, he was talking about all the things about me he liked so much that he wouldn't get to have anymore, he said something like: "i'm really going to miss the massages, the face, the smile, the laughs, the tits and vag..... And the Farkle in the background" lmao that last part probably doesnt make sense to you so I'll explain, when I go to his house, He sometimes plays xbox so I sit on his computer and fuck around on facebook and usually end up playing this game Called Farkle. And he thinks the music this game plays when you fail is hysterical, and he makes fun of it all the time. But I thought that was the cutest thing ever "... And the farkle in the background" lmao!! Anyways, so he came over and we talked a while, and I didn't wanna break up and he didn't wanna break up cuz we're both too stubborn lol and we just decided not to. But when we were talking he was explaining how he felt about me, saying like, he knew he would never find a girl like me, you know, someone who liked anime, let him play video games without really freaking out, made him laugh, and just liked being around him. That was cute. Then he said something about how, how he felt for me was what a lot of people would consider Love, and I'm not sure if he was trying to tell me he loved me there or not.... But i just kinda made a face and let him get on with his little speech."

He just kept saying that I worked well with him, that we were good together and he couldnt find anyone within an outlining state radius, and If he couldnt have me, he didnt really want anyone."
Needless to say that bullshit is over and we're all good now.

Pressure

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how serious are you about my brother?" Was Mark's sister's question to me a few weeks back.
Naturally, having only dated the guy a month and some weeks at the time, I didn't know how to answer such a question. Was she asking if I would cheat on him? The answer to that is "No", Was she asking if I was in love with him? Again, "No", Was she asking if I wanted to live happily ever after and get married to him or if we're soul mates, or if he's the one for me and I the one for him? No comment, because I don't know those answers yet. That one question was loaded with so many possibilities it made my head spin.
Before and since this question was presented to me, playful comments have been made about me and Mark living together, getting married, things of that nature, and for the most part I thought it was teasing, and not an expectation.
Apparently, Mark's mother, having met and gotten to know me, and see me around her son, has decided that I am the one for him and we're eventually going to move in together, get married, and probably produce some offspring. From the way that Mark's sister acts and talks about his and my relationship, she feels the same way.
I feel an over abundance of outstandingly unnecessary pressure to stay with him at this point. Like, if I don't the world is going to implode on itself.
I mean, I know it won't and what happens, happens, and if we don't stay together, everything will be fine, and it wasn't meant to be.
But all the same, I can feel that pressure squeezing down on me. I really like Mark, and I don't want to break up with him any time soon, but honestly, can I get a little space with the guy over here? I feel a little choked. Especially since what proceeded Mark's sister's question was, "Have you guys done it yet?"
Again, how do I answer this. Why would she want to know? I told her no, and she said good, and that I should wait a REALLY long time. I think she's cock-blocking at this point but you never know.
I mean, I don't mind talking to her about Mark, but at some point this has GOT to stop.
This pressure is completely uncalled for to me, I mean, I've been dating him for two months. I am by no means ready for "Til Death Do You Part" or a "Happily Ever After" with him. I want things to be simple. Goodness knows we both deserve some simplicity in relationships at this point.
And for the most part "simple" is how we roll.
But his family worries me.

Ég er að læra íslensku

I am learning Icelandic (Translated on Google because I can't do proper sentence structure and verb conjugation and what not just yet.)
I'm going to be teaching myself to speak icelandic.

Ég elska þig
I love you

I think it will go well. But I don't know yet. It sounds/looks a lot like Danish, and the words were easy to figure out and pronounce so that was cool. I just wish I had a teacher.That would probably make things nicer and easier.
I want to keep studying it. I hope I can do like yesterday while i'm at school and pick out words and know what they mean just by looking at them and listening to them on youtube. Silly way to learn a language I know, but its not so bad. I'll probably only learn so much though, because you can't learn everything from youtube. But that's okay. They don't even have an Icelandic "Rosetta Stone" which is stupid considering they brag about having all the languages and junk in their bogus commercials. It's all okay though, I guess. "Rosetta Stone" is expensive as hell though.
I think studying Icelandic will be a touch easier than it would be because I've already studied a second language. I wonder if languages get easier to learn the more languages you know. Does that make sense? I wonder if the more languages you know, the easier they are to learn. The easier it is to learn new ones. That would be nice. I imagine that, to an extent, it would be harder with languages that are really similar, like Italian and French/Spanish. They're ultra similar, so I guess they'd get a little mixed up.
I'd also like to learn Russian and German. Maybe Italian.
I love how I always avoid Spanish, you know, the useful language in America :|
That's REALLY gonna bite me in the ass eventually. Maybe I wanna learn Finnish too, though, I imagine it's a lot like Icelandic.

Random thought: What to they speak in Greenland? Greenlandic? I don't suppose so. I'll have to Google that quarry.

Languages I wanna know:
French (which I already have a good/okay knowledge and understanding of)
Icelandic
Russian
German
Finnish
Maybe Italian
In all I wanna know 6-7 languages. Oh learning will be fun! If there are any courses at school I WILL take them! Well,maybe not ANY courses. My mama's got lots of German books. French ones too. This is gonna be awesome if I ever get to know these languages well.

Answer to random question: Danish.

Math Squared

So, I got a hundred on the math quiz I thought I rocked last week on Friday, and a 98 on the homework worksheet. Now instead of failing at 45.4% I'm failing at 53.2%. That's almost a 10 point difference. I really think I can pull this one out at this rate, and the fact that I'll lose a quiz and homework grade. I'll be fine... I hope! If I keep studying hard and doing awesome on the quizzes and tests and stuff I'll be out of the ditch by the end of November. Once again: I hope.