Pencil or Pen?

I haven't posted anything in a few days, but I've been writing about everything that happens... Every negative thing I feel, and sometimes the positive, the sick and twisted thoughts and the sunshine. And I'll type that up eventually, I think.

Ugh. :|

Walking into your house is never exciting when your parents are arguing.
My step-dad is the insecure type, and the more I listen to them bicker about how he thinks she's going out and fucking around on him, the more I realize I need to clear up my own insecurity. I'm not going to live like those two. Its fucking insane. I've got to get my shit together. :|

Self Help. It works! I think....

I'm starting to frequently ask the internet advice about my issues, anxiety, panic attacks, insecurity, *cough cough That's recent* and you can really come across great things nad great tips on how to overcome fears and jealousy and insecurity and love yourself because that's the root of the problem.
Like...  a few months ago I was again becoming very prone to panic attacks and they'd just wreck and exhaust me like they did when I was in my early years of high school. I couldn't deal, it was awful, something would plague my mind and suddenly I wasn't breathing. Or that's how it felt, everything around me was tight, like and elephant was sitting on me, and when I'd finally come out of it, I'd lay down and sleep hours away, and wake up more exhausted. Soooo I looked it up online, and I found some really great tips on how to calm myself when I feel it coming on.

So, having issues with insecurity lately, and KNOWING Mark would never do anything to hurt me, I've been looking up ways to overcome insecurity both in relationships and in general and I came across a really cool article; Here! Here! Right here! Click meeeee!!! And reading over it, I can start to see more hope for myself and my relationship with Mark, because I'm kind of very in love with him, and I refuse to talk about our separation over my anxiety and insecurity. We're practically perfect for each other, he calms me, I calm him, we fit. And that's not something you let go of.

"Here's the thing, Arielle. People aren't fucking butterflies." - Mark after I said our relationship is like a butterfly, if you let it go, and it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.

And we're not. So I have to stop pushing him away. He's mine, and I love him, and he loves me, thick and thin, and that's all that matters. I just want to better myself so we can both be happier.

Besides, what's this blog about anyways? Not just my life. Its about helping MYSELF and showing the process so maybe I can help others find their strength and pull themselves through their issues :]

Just a Word, But a Long Description

OneWord <3
I've been going back and forth from loving the site oneword to disliking it greatly when I have no comment on the word of the day. But this is what I have made...

Cells:

Cells, padded walls, thinking jail, just jail prison maybe crazy people. Padded rooms and strait jackets, staring out of the windows longing for sunlight, feeling the darkness, falling into the blackness, darkness, I see the light but I don’t know its hand, love from the sun, I wish for love from the sun.

Cigarette:

I’ve always been fascinated by the way smoke comes out of peoples mouths. I really like those time warp-type videos where smoke coils out from behind someone’s teeth in slow motion. I always hoped to look like that the first few times I smoked, but i only felt like an idiot, choking down the smoke that I was allergic to.

Band:

I used to write stories about bands. Not like…. About being in a band, but about girls who fall in love with boys in bands. I always felt that there was a lack of such things in modern literature. It’s always high school or vampires or werewolves and bullshit… Where’s the music?

Driving:

It’s that sleepy smile you get across your face while we’re driving together at night. Like you’re perfectly content to just keep driving me around. Happy to stay in one small place with me, share, laugh, and touch in the simplest ways. I’ll always love you for the small gifts you give me like that.

Deer:

I can remember it vaguely. Talking to the deer when i was younger. I remember saying hello, and asking how it was, and it just kept walking closer and closer, interested in this young human child talking to it. Maybe I spoke its language, maybe not, either way it was interested, I can remember reaching out to it until Grandpa’s beeper went off… Then he ran away. I could have made a new friend that day…

Missed:

I used to be under the impression that I missed you, and I suppose on some days I still do. But considering and looking at all the things I have now; beautiful things that keep my soul shining and my heart smiling. I know in my heart that I don’t miss you at all. You were evil and awful, and I couldn’t even think of wishing to see you again.

Sinking:

There’s a sinking feeling in my soul; in my bones when the evil tells me all the bad you could potentially do to me. I try not to listen; i try not to hear but the voices scream so loud its hard to tune them out. It feels like I’m falling into myself, like my ribs are caving down on my lungs crushing me, drowning me in my thoughts and sorrow. And then I see you, and i lift from the depths of my emotion, and resurface into your arms.

Umbrella:

I like those clear umbrellas. The ones you can look up in and watch the rain fall at your face, like its desperately trying to reach you, but just spilling off the sides and the perimeters of the umbrella you’re holding to stay dry. I especially like the polka dotted ones. Not because they’re useful but because they’re just fun. And I like that.

Ant:

I’ve never had the heart to kill bugs and things. I feel so awful taking any form of life…. like… I always feel like breaking the little bugs is like breaking a human and I feel so sick when I do it. I’m told that once when I was very small I stepped on an ant, and bent down to “kiss it better” even though it was dead. I felt so dreadful stepping on him, I can remember the little ache in my little innocent heart if I think hard enough.

Plaguing Insecurity

I've been worrying a lot lately about my relationship with Mark. I'm worried that I have competition with an old friend of his, and I can't help but feel like I'm the lesser option for Mark, we've fought and debated and fought some more about this subject for the past few weeks and though I can be pacified for a few days, it always comes back.

Recently and old friend came back into his life with first with health problems, for which Mark took and entire day off work to drive her to her doctor's appointment. Then she had problems with her now ex-boyfriend, she called him a lot, I think texted frequently but I really don't know because I'm not a snoopy shit, and they hung out a few times.

One day in the beginning I met her, she was nice, very pretty, lanky blonde type with big happy eyes and a confident smile. She loves football and first person shooters, and Mark talked to her nearly the entired time all three of us were together. In their defense they did include me after we left the place and we talked about a multitude of things. And I wasn't so upset about that, it got better through the night, Mark seemed to be a little worried about how I felt... But all the same....
And then they started hanging out more and more, and she'd call him even more and they'd sit and talk for extensive periods of time. Jealousy flared up in me, naturally, since I can never get Mark to talk on the phone very long with me when we have to go long periods without seeing each other for whatever reason.
It just didn't seem fair! He took her out and talked on the phone with her when I could barely get him to do those things for me! The more I thought about it, the more I thought about the fact that she was so pretty, and her personality very much matched his, and I started comparing myself to her. I'm short, not the most thin girl, unlike her who could be outweighed by a common stick, and I freaked out about EVERYTHING. I can make a big deal out of anything, and this girl was so laid back and calm and 'go with the flow' I just... I couldn't help but feel like I'd have to be thrown to the side for someone new, someone better.
They said they'd been friends for years, and Bobby described their friendship to me like that of me and Joseph. We'd joke and play and have fun, but at the end of the day, there wasn't anything there. But if they were such great friends like they described, why am I just meeting her? Why now, after a year of being with Mark?
I've fought with him like no other, but I know I have to trust him when he tells me what's up. Its exceedingly hard for me because I have so many insecurities and issues... But... its so hard to put these feelings aside when I know she's single and probably lonely after being in a relationship so long until now, and perfect target: my boyfriend.... he's fantastic... How could any girl NOT want him? :/

And that's where the worry sets in.
 But I have to TRY to put it out of my mind, or I'll lose Mark whether it's true or not. And I can't bank on that its absolutely true if I have no evidence. I just need to breathe it out. *sigh*

Coming Back and Catching up

Wow! I haven't written anything in here for like... a thousand years!!! What was the last thing I even posted in here?! *view blog in new tab... wait 5 minutes because computer is sllooowwwww....*

Holy Cow! The last post is something in particular that's been plaguing me lately.... Funny how history repeats itself.

Anywayssssss Lemme see....

I quit my hostessing job.... That was amazing, the management was just way too insane for me, they demanded too much while i made too little and the people (not the ones I worked with, they were all absolute dolls!!) that came in were soooo HORRENDOUS!

I'm now working as a front desk clerk at a hotel, its way more relaxed especially with my busy school schedule, first time taking 15 credits and its kiiiinnnda exhausting!

Lets see, what else?

Oh!! Great news! Nora moved back, but not without a horde of drama following her. But me And Joseph did go get to see her place in Tennessee in, what was it? March? I don't remember. But it was a great experience, maybe i'll tell you sometime.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that I've been with Mark for over a year now! I know! CRAZY!!! INSANITY!! CAN'T BE TRUE! But it is and I'm very happy about it.

I don't think about the bad b word as much, and he doesn't plague my thoughts so much as he did in the past, but I still have a lot of insecurity to work through because of the pain he's caused me... I do still periodically want to get into contact with him... Just talking about him makes me want to go straight to his facebook page and click 'request friendship' but I still refrain.

Lets see... I can't think of much more, but I'll probably think of something later

Not the Only One Wanted

Sometimes when I'm in relationships it feels like I'm not the only one the guy wants. I may be one of those people, but it seems like his eye may be on more than one other person, when I really just want it to be on me. Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel so much of it right now.